The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe
by Anarchy Sky
Summary: The epic tale of the war on Elicoor. It's Airyglyph vs. Aquaria. It's Vox vs. Albel. It's Ninjas vs. Idiots. A Parody of Star Ocean and everything in general. Chapter 20: One Year Later...a miraculous update arrives! The horror! The horror!
1. Oh Well, We'll Wing It

**The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Aquarian Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter One: Oh Well, We'll Wing It**

* * *

"Duchess Vox!" A young soldier flung the door Duke Vox's room open and marched in, breathing heavily. Duke Vox was on the other side of the room sitting at a large desk. 

"It's Duke Vox," Vox hissed, whirling around to face the intruder. The young man stared at his commander in shock.

"You're...painting your nails," the man gasped. Vox squeaked and threw his cloak over his desk, obscuring the mountain of makeup and such.

"YOU SAW NOTHING!"

"Er, right. Nothing. Anyways, I have a message from Sir Albel-HRK!"

Duke Vox's hands wrapped around the soldier's throat, violently strangling him. The Dragon Brigade Captain was known to perform impossible angry tasks when _the_ _name _was mentioned. Tasks like going from his chair to murdering a subordinate with bare hands in under a second.

"You said _his_ name!"

"Cananabreth!"

"Huh?"

"Icannabreeeeth!" The man flailed wildy and Vox threw him to the ground.

"Never say _that name_ again," Vox commanded, folding his arms.

"Who's name?" The soldier asked, rubbing his throat.

"You know. _Him_."

"Honestly, I have no idea what you're going on about," the soldier said. He was a rather stupid man. But then again, all minions are rather lacking in the intelligence department.

"I'm talking about Albel Nox, dirtbag!" Vox screeched. Suddenly his eyes widened in horror. "YOU MADE ME SAY _HIS_ NAME!"

"Who's?"

"ALBEL'S! Sweet mother of meatballs! I SAID IT AGAIN! Damn you, scumbag!" Vox reached for the nearest projectile, which was a bottle of fire engine red nail polish. He flung it at the poor, idiotic soldier. It splattered all over his uniform.

"It's going to STAIN!" The soldier began to cry and claw at the nail polish. "Now it's on my HANDS! Argh! It burns! It buuuurns us!"

"Shut up, dirtbag. What were you saying before I flipped out?"

"Oh, the message! Here you go," the soldier replied, suddenly calm. He jumped to his feet, dusted off his pants, and held out a letter.

**Dear Duchess Vox,**

**Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise. Suckah!**

**No Love,**

**Albel Nox**

"Curse _him_ and _his_ yo momma jokes," Vox growled.

"Hey, Duchess Vox. Ever notice how Vox and Nox are almost the same word?"

Vox glared at the soldier, who was still standing there looking like a fool.

"What's your name, dirtbag?"

"It's Steve, ma'am."

"Steve, I need you to take this message to _him_."

"What message?"

"Hold on!" Vox ran to his desk and wrote a quick letter to his archrival. "Here! Take this to _him_."

"Who?" Steve asked, taking the letter from his commander.

"_The man _who gave you that letter."

"You?"

"NO! The letter you gave to me!"

"No, you gave me this letter."

"No, you ignorant baboon! Give this letter _the person _who gave you the letter to give to me."

"Wait? What's a baboon!"

"TAKE THE LETTER TO NOX! Arrrrrrgghhh! You made me say _that_ DAMMED_ NAME_! Again!"

"Okay," Steve said. He spun around on his heels and skipped away singing a merry old tune.

"Whatever," Vox muttered. He leaned out through the doorway and looked into the hall. "SCHWEEEEEIIIIMMMEEERRR!"

Schweimer appeared out of nowhere. It was his thing.

"Yes sir!" Schweimer saluted Vox and smiled happily. "You're looking lovely today sir! People say nice things about you! Your nail polish is stylish!"

"Shut up, brown-noser. I have plan and I need your opinion."

"Yes sir! You are very handsome!"

"I told you to stuff it! Now look at this plan I drew up." Vox slammed the door shut and pulled Schweimer over his desk. He swept the makeup from the desk with one hand and reached for a scroll with the other. Vox unrolled it and pointed at it in a very dramatic fashion.

"Hey! You drew _that man_, wrote 'sucks', and drew arrows from the word to the drawing. Pretty schweet, sir."

"Listen up, kiss-ass, I have plan to take down skirt boy!"

"Then why did you get this picture out, sir?"

"Shut up, scumbucket. Here's the plan."

Several minutes passed.

"What's the plan, sir?"

"Don't remember," Vox said. "Got lost in the moment."

"Okay..."

"Oh well, we'll wing it."

* * *

Meanwhile, on the other side of town... 

"No, no, no! You're all doing it wrong!"

The infamous captain of the Black Brigade stormed across the stage towards one of his guards. A makeshift stage had been set up on the roof of the Kirlsa Training Center. Many Black Brigade troops were gathered around said stage, practicing their lines and doing other actor-ee stuff.

"I-I was just r-reading the script, Sir Albel," a girlish looking man squeaked.

"You fool! You can't just read the words! What about the emotion? Where's the passion!"

"Daytime on NBC?" one soldier suggested.

"Stuff it, smartass! You have to pour your heart and soul into your words. You must become Kim!"

"Sir, I would jump off a cliff with pointy rocks at the bottom for you, but I still can't help but wonder if you've gone a little insane."

"I AM insane! Insane for Miss Saigon! And Cats! And the arts in general!"

"Oh, I remember the Phantom of the Opera! We put that on last week. Albel was perfect in the role of the Phantom. With all the freakiness and angsting and everything."

"Thank you, Shelby. But this week it is MISS SAIGON! And I still haven't recovered from the 'incident' in our last production. As you all know, I cannot possibly play the role of Kim in this performance." A sad look appeared on Albel's face.

"Oh noes!"

"We are deeply saddened."

"We must never forget the 'incident'."

"We must continue on!"

"YES! For Albel!"

"For Albel!"

Several dozen Black Brigade members threw their hands in the air and cheered loudly. Albel walked to the center of the stage. Shelby cued the tech crew and the lights were dimmed. Somehow. It set the scene.

"As you all remember, a terrible 'incident' occurred during the cast party for Phantom. I dare not speak of it, for it was most foul indeed. But I have survived that 'incident' and I will carry on! Together we can make this show a success! Together we shall all be remembered for all time! Come, men! All of Elicoor will soon know of us. They will never forget the day they saw the Black Brigade! For the time has come! We shall slay the weakling school plays and crush the mediocre community center musicals! The world will cower before our artistic might! Even the Aquarian Ninja Choir and Aquarian Ninja Force will tremble at the mere mention of our stupendous name! The trees and the birds will run for cover when we come their way! The cats will meow and the dogs will bark! The quacks will duck and the Reunion will begin! Yessss, the Reunion! Soon, mother. Soon. For the motherlaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!"

"For the motherlaaaaaaaaand!" The Black Brigade screamed.

"I don't want to play the role of a woman," one lone soldier wailed as his comrades huzzah'd around him. He was ignored by all.

"Half of that speech made no sense. And what the hell is Reunion?" Shelby stared at his commander in confusion. Albel glared at him. Shelby fell to the ground, clutching his head.

"Not again! The black screen! The black screen! Arrgghhh! Urge to punch flower girls and fly around...rising!"

"That's what I though, maggot. Now then! Let us practice! Burn the scripts! We shall act from our hearts!"

That night a massive fire was lit on the roof of the Kerilsa Training Facility. Script upon script was thrown into the blazing fire, crackling as the pages became black smoke in the sky. The towering inferno would burn throughout the night and into the day.

"But, uh, Albel..."

"What is it, worm?"

"We burnt our parts and don't know what are lines are."

"Oh well, we'll wing it."

* * *

In Arias, Aquaria's finest warriors were seated around a table in Arias. 

"Nel? What are you doing?"

The red-headed Crimson Blade sat alone at the table, looking intently at a well worn map.

"Plotting."

"I see," Clair Lasbard sighed. She leaned in the doorway, looking bored.

Okay. So there was only one finest Aquarian warrior. Nel Zelpher. The super ninja.

"Why do we even need to plot though?" Tynave asked from behind Clair.

"We have to do something. We can't play rugby all the time you know," Clair said.

"Yeah, but we're ninjas! We don't need to plot! The three of us can go and flip out on our enemies and stuff. Right now! We'd totally win the war and stuff."

"True, Tynave," Nel began, "but only a lone ninja can prevail. Only the lone ninja can take on an infinite amount of godlike foes and translate Paradise Lost into Russian at the same time. Sometimes maybe two ninjas. But never more than that. Ever. More than two ninjas means that they're screwed. And that they'll get a dramatic death scene."

"Yeah, I know Paradise Lost. Every time I try to read that thing my eyes explode," Clair muttered.

Tynave and Nel stared at their grey-haired friend.

"What? I got better!"

"Whatever. Listen, the only reason why Aquaria hasn't fallen to Airyglyph yet is because we've fought their Brigades one on one thousand. If we ever fought as a team we would be destroyed."

"Huh? Sorry, wasn't paying attention," Tynave said. "Anywho, where's Farleen been? I haven't seen her attempting to fly off the roof lately."

"We sent her to go fight the Storm Brigade," Clair replied.

"Dear Apris! She's a total newb! She'll get owned and stuff!"

"You'd think that," Nel laughed. "Thankfully, we've discovered that when she speaks with greater volume, her voice can cause the brains of her listeners to explode."

"That makes perfect sense."

"Indeed."

"So, now what?"

"I'm going to beat up Albel again," Nel announced, rising to her feet. "I haven't pummeled him in at least a week."

"But you don't have a plan and stuff!" Tynave and Clair looked at their comrade with alarm.

"Yeah, so?"

"I'm coming with you," Clair said, standing up straight.

"What about me?" Tynave whispered, eyes filling with tears.

"You can translate Paradise Lost into Chinese."

"Which Chinese?"

"ALL OF THEM!"

"Noooooooooooooo!"

"So, are we ready to go?" Clair asked. Nel nodded and the two set out towards Koursouralalalakirlsa. "But we still don't have a plan."

Nel glanced at her friend and shrugged.

"Oh well, we'll wing it."

* * *

And how! I have a lot more written. I'll put more up sometime. Thanks for reading and rock, rock on! 

Peace out!


	2. Creation of an Abomination

**The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Aquarian Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Or anything else I mock (because I love). Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Two: Creation of an Abomination**

* * *

"Duke Vox, I can't believe that this is your plan." 

"What's wrong with it, Schweimer!"

"Nothing sir! It's an excellent plan. But I don't quite understand why you're combining these three things."

"Listen up, lobster brain, this plan is flawless. When we're done here we'll have created the most excellentest ultimate weapon ever!"

"Yes. By combining a monkey, a snow crab and a peacock."

"_He'll_ never see it coming! That skirt wearing brat! _He'll_ be sleeping all cute-like in_ his_ bed when suddenly, a lone figure will appear at _his_ window! It will be the beast of hell! The Hunter Destroyer Vampire Monkey of Death!"

"I still don't know where you got vampire from..."

"You deformed sea critter! I added it to spice things up!"

"It's kind of a mouthful, sir. But most certainly awesome. No doubt. Awesome," Schweimer spoke quickly, trying to cover the skepticism in his voice. Duke Vox didn't seem to notice.

"Don't worry, scumbucket. I've come up with a brilliant way to shorten it up. We'll call him Dracula...only BACKWARDS! So...Dracula backwards...is..."

"Still can't think very well, sir?"

"Shut up! His name will Alucrab!"

"I can't believe you made that joke, sir."

"Neither can I."

"Anyways, are you sure that's Dracula backwards, sir?"

"Heck yes I am!"

"That's perfect, sir. And it's quite appropriate, considering he'll be part crab."

"You see? I thought ahead!"

Duke Vox giggled wickedly, if such a thing is possible. Vox and his faithful follower were in the Airyglyph workshop, ready to create their ultimate weapon.

"Ready?" Schweimer asked, holding a bag labeled 'anymals'. Vox had labeled it and really wasn't that good at spelling.

"Hand me the bloody critters," Vox commanded. Schweimer did as he was told and Vox quickly chucked the three unfortunate animals into a giant pot. Vox slammed a lid over the pot and stood back, surveying his work.

"Duke Vox, sir? I don't think it'll work if we just leave them in there."

"Of course it will. The animals will fight to the death. The winner will gain the power from the other animals. It's called assibilating, punk."

"Assimilating?"

"That's what I said! Pay attention!"

"Yes sir. Unfortunately, I don't think our test subjects have the ability of osmosis."

"What the hell is osmofish? Like a trout?"

"Uhm...yes sir. Anyways, I think if we used alchemy we could fuse the animals."

"Alchewhatsit! Gotcha!" Duke Vox nodded and ran over to a shelf on a nearby wall. After several seconds of consideration, Vox grabbed every vile he could carry and returned to the giant pot. "Open it up, Schweimy!"

"Yes sir!" Schweimer opened the pot and Vox threw everything in.

"Did it work?" Vox asked.

"Maybe if we shake it up," Schweimer suggested. Vox replaced the lid and gave the pot a few good kicks.

"Anything yet, sir?"

"Not yet. Maybe if I kick it-"

Duke Vox didn't finish. The workshop exploded.

* * *

Far beneath castle Anthrax...er...Airyglyph. Yeah. That one. 

Anyways, far beneath castle Airyglyph, a terrible monster raged about in his lair of impenetrable darkness. The dungeons echoed with every angry scream and his servants wisely avoided their master.

"Where is it!" He roared

Romero, King of the Dead, stalked through his kingdom. His kingdom was actually a leaky basement. His legion consisted of four unpaid, teenage interns.

"WHERE IS IT!"

There was a stray dog at one point but it was eaten during an emergency food shortage.

"WHERE IS MY CHOCOLATE!"

* * *

"Hey, Sir Albel. I found a box of chocolate. What should I do with it?" 

Albel looked down at The Man Who Plays Kim.

"Shouldn't you be practicing your lines?" Albel asked, a hint of danger in his voice.

"Yeah. But I found this chocolate and..."

"You got distracted."

"Yeah."

"Because you're a fool."

"Pretty much."

"A FOOL CANNOT PLAY ONE OF THE MAJOR ROLES IN MISS SAIGON!" Albel yelled, jumping down from his perch on a wall. It was his happy place. He could frequently be found sitting on the wall playing paddleball. Anyways, he stomped over to The Man Who Plays Kim and gave him one his darkest looks. The man cowered.

"B-but the chocolate!"

"Give me that!" Albel ripped the box from The Man Who Plays Kim's hands. "Get back to work, maggot!"

The Man Who Plays Kim paused for a second in terror before another glare from Albel sent him sprinting.

"Worm," Albel spat. He glanced into the box and pulled out a bar of chocolate with his claw. He quietly stepped behind the stage and looked around to make sure no one was watching. Satisfied, Albel Nox stuffed the chocolate into his mouth, smearing it all over his face.

"Dammit! This stuff is crap!" Albel grimaced and began coughing. He threw the box to the ground and repeatedly Palm of Destruction'd it. "Burn! Burn! Burn! Not even maggots deserve this trash!"

Shelby stared at his captain as he crushed the chocolate into oblivion.

"We're being led by a psychopath," he sighed before heading back inside. Maybe there were people to torture or something.

* * *

"Sweet mother of molasses." 

"Holy crap, sir."

A blackened Duke Vox and a charred Schweimer sat amidst a pile of debris. They stared at the sight before them in shock.

"Alucrab. He's alive!" Vox slowly stood up and walked towards his creation.

A monkey, with the tail of a peacock and a giant claw, blinked in confusion. It's eyes focused on Vox as he approached.

"Hiya little fella. How's my little Alucrab?" Vox held out his arms to embrace Alucrab.

Alucrab hissed, took a swing at Vox, and flew into the air.

"What the..." Vox had jumped to avoid the monkeycrabpeacock's attack and now stared as it escaped.

"How can that thing fly, sir?" Schweimer asked as Alucrab disappeared on the horizon.

"How the hell should I know?" Vox growled, unleashing his anger on Schweimer.

"But that was a really great plan, sir. You are the greatest mind Elicoor has ever seen." Schweimer quickly unloaded the compliments, hoping to calm Vox down.

"That is true..."

"At least he didn't go on a rampage like those porcupine things you made last week did."

"Yes. I think those things are still waddling around outside the city."

"Thankfully no one ever found out that it was your fault. And Aquaria never found out about that incident either. Our King was so embarrassed that some of his best troops were smote by little creatures of cuteness."

"Yeah, Schweimy. I know what happened. No need to recall that fateful day. The day in which the destiny of the entire universe was revealed to me."

"But then you forgot it because you were lost in the moment."

"Curse those moments in which I get lost!"

"Yes sir! Curse them!"

"Alright! Back to the castle! I need to see if my shipment of eyeshadow has come in yet!"

Duke Vox turned towards the castle, stumbled through the wreckage of the workshop, and pranced through the gate. The gate guards did their best not to snicker. Schweimer simply sighed and followed his ambiguous leader.

* * *

"Master, we have discovered the culprit," Raxa reported. 

"Tell me! Who is behind the Chocolate Caper?" Romero demanded.

"It was that scoundrel, Albel Nox!"

"Albel Nox," Romero hissed, "shall pay! Raxa! Go fetch me a pen and some parchment! I have an angry letter to write!"

* * *

Hoohaa! Chapter Two! I love Hellsing, oh so much, I love Hellsing, yes I do, so I mock it woohoohoo! 

**LeFox:** What's sense?

**PyrrhicVictories: **More? Sure!

**Blue Persuasion: **Glad you like the crazy. Humor is forthecool.

**Commie Sky:** YOU ARE A COMMUNIST! HAHA!

**demonic angel 656: **OKAY! HERE YOU GO!

**BlueTrillium: **I'm glad you enjoyed it. I love sneaking in random stuff into my stories. I did indeed hit upon FF7 is this chapter. FF7 is my favorite video game. As for some Albel/Nel? Weeell, I am a Albel/Nel shipper! So...you'll probably like Chapter Four...

Rock, rock on!

Peace out!


	3. When Government Attacks

**The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Aquarian Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Three: When Government Attacks

* * *

**

"Sir Albel! We've received a letter from King Arzei!" The Man Who Plays Kim yelled, racing into Albel's quarters waving an official looking scroll.

"Hand it here, worm," Albel commanded. The Man Who Plays Kim did so and Albel quickly unrolled it. He eyes bulged and he tore the paper into tiny pieces.

"What's wrong, sir?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked, wondering if it would be wiser to run like the dickens.

"That fool!" Albel clenched his fist. "He cut our funding!"

"What!" The Man Who Plays Kim looked at his superior officer in shock. "What'd he cut?"

"Our Entertainment budget!" Albel growled, his eyes narrowing into slits.

"No way! That includes our productions! And our rugby team! And our weekly pottery classes!"

"That bastard!" Albel roared, drawing his sword and immediately hacking up a nearby chair into pieces. "I draw the line at the pottery classes!"

"What shall we do, sir?" The Man Who Plays Kim looked concerned. "We've invested too much into this production of Miss Saigon to be stopped by lack of money!"

Albel's lips curled into a wicked smile. "Quite true, maggot. As they say, the show must go on."

"Nox," Shelby yelled, barging into Albel's room. "We've been sent another letter. It's from Duchess Vox."

"I see. Bring it here, you waste of life." Shelby gave Albel the letter.

**Dear Scumbucket,**

**By now I'm sure you'll have heard of the millytery's budget adjustment! Ha ha! No more stupid thiatrics for you! You'll be happy to know that everything went from your silly plays to my Dragon Brigade! Sucker! Who's laughing now! Me! I'm laughing! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Also, your mother is so large that she cannot fit through standard sized doorways! Take that, you smelly little transvestite!**

**Sincerely,**

**Duke Vox**

"To the Dragon Brigade! Bah! That giant worm will waste the money on creating more stupid pets! Like those bloody porcupines." Albel shuddered at the memory of those wretched creatures.

"He also called you a transvestite, Albel," Shelby noted. "Though true, I'm certain that you'll run over there right now and both of you will die trying to kill one another. Then I can assume command of the Black Brigade. And honor your memory. By dancing on your grave."

"You'd like that, you fool, wouldn't you. Also, I am certainly NOT a sweet transvestite from transexual Transylvania."

"Where did that come from?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked.

"He's been reading his stories again," Steve said.

"Wait! STEVE!" Albel, Shelby, and The Man Who Plays Kim spun around towards the doorway to see the infamous Airyglyph idiot message boy.

"I thought I sent you on a suicide mission to Greeton," Albel whispered.

"I thought you were speared by Vox after delivering Albel's yo momma joke letters," Shelby gasped. It was a long gasp.

"I thought you were sent to steal Oddeye, fry him, and open a chain of Fried Dragon Restaurants," The Man Who Plays Kim muttered. (Normally I never interrupt my stories but...that acronym is FDR! Woooooooooohhh, didn't even mean to do that. Anyways...)

"Nah. I'm alive. But I came back with a letter from Duchess Vox. A few days too late, I suppose. I saw some other messengers leaving the building. They saw me and started freaking out." Steve shrugged and held out the letter from Vox.

"The paper looks singed," Albel observed. He tore the envelope open and scanned its contents. "The ink is smeared. I can't read a word of it. But when you turn it upside down...it looks a giant tree feeding upon children." Albel grinned and everyone rolled their eyes.

"Ohhh yeah. Here's this note too." Steve reached into his pocket.

"Ugh," everyone groaned.

**Dear Sir Albel Nox,**

**I KNOW THAT YOU TOOK MY CHOCOLATE AND WHEN I FIND YOU I WILL EAT YOU, YOUR FAMILY, AND YOUR DOG! JUST YOU WAIT! I'LL TURN YOU INTO CHERRY COBBLER! BAD CHERRY COBBLER AT THAT! HAVE A VERY UNGOOD DAY!**

**Love,**

**Romero, King of the Dead**

"Another psycho letter from one of my stalkers," Albel grunted, tossing the note into a convenient fireplace. The note quickly burned away.

"So about the budget crisis, sir," The Man Who Plays Kim began.

"Ah yes. Well, don't worry fools. I have a plan already." A dangerous smirk appeared on Albel's face.

"Oh dear," Shelby said, inching towards the door.

"WE SHALL RAISE THE MONEY!"

"No good will come of this," The Man Who Plays Kim said.

"Yeah. People like money," Steve chuckled. "So we can eat budget crisis cobbler. That's right, huh?"

"You shut up, worm. Take this to Vox!" Albel threw a brick with a piece of paper tied around it at Steve. It hit him in the face.

"My face! My beautiful face! Now all the women of the world will weep for the man they idolize has been scarred!" Steve fell to his knees clutching his bleeding face.

"LEAVE!" Albel, Shelby, and The Man Who Plays Kim yelled in unison. Steve let out a horrendous cry, picked up the brick, and skipped away in a dramatic fashion. If it's even possible to skip dramatically that is. Let me try it. Why yes! It is!

"One day I will disembowel him," Albel muttered under his breath.

"Anyways, your crazed scheme, sir?" The Man Who Plays Kim turned his attention back to Albel.

"Ahh yes." Albel sped out the door and raced up the stairs to the roof. In a single bound, he landed on his perch, spun around, and raised his arms over his head.

"Hey, look," a Black Brigade soldier said. "Albel has an announcement."

Shelby and The Man Who Plays Kim rushed after Albel and joined the growing crowd beneath Albel's wall perch.

"MAH PEOPLE!" Albel shouted, shaking his fists.

"HI ALBEL!" The Black Brigade shouted back.

"Those worms back in Airyglyph have decided that our hard work is meaningless. They have CUT our Entertainment budget!"

The crowd gasped and exchanged worried glances.

"That's right, fools. No more theatrics! No more rugby! NO MORE POTTERY CLASSES!"

The Black Brigade recoiled in horror with looks of grief upon their faces.

"We have been greatly wronged! And I, Albel Nox, will right this wrong! We shall raise our own money! We shall fund our own greatness! We shall rise from the ashes stronger than ever for we are the avatars of the gods! No one shall stand in our way on the path to immortality! It is ours to claim! The Reunion will come soon! Together we will be remembered for all time! Reeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuunnnnnniiiioooooonnnnn! J-E-N-O-V-A!"

"J-E-N-O-V-A! Wait, WHAT?" The Black Brigade stared at Albel Nox in confusion.

"I meant WE RULE!"

"WE RULE! WE RULE!"

"Phew," Albel sighed. "Almost gave that one away."

"What the hell is wrong with you!" Shelby screamed, pointing at Albel.

"Screw you! You have a girly name!" Albel folded his arms looking smug. The Black Brigade laughed at Shelby.

"AND YOU'RE JUST GIRLY!" Shelby replied in a harsh voice. Albel's smug look turned into a violent glare.

"Oooooohh!" The Black Brigade oooooohh'd.

"Finally, the fated confrontation between the two warriors has begun," The Man Who Plays Kim whispered.

"Like to say that again, worm?" Albel asked, his voice suspiciously calm.

"You are nothing but a cross dressing psycho," Shelby said.

"Oh really?"

"What kind of man wears a skirt!"

"A man who isn't insecure about his masculinity!" Albel suddenly hissed. Shelby stepped backwards in surprise.

"Lies!"

"Bah! You talk big but we all know that you're the one who wears dresses!"

"What are you talking about! You lie!"

"Oh? Have a hit a sore spot? If memory serves, you have always played the role of a woman in every production we've put on. And, if memory serves, you've performed the roles with great zeal."

"So what! I was just doing my duty! You ordered me to play those parts!"

"And! If memory serves, the dresses that you wore were NEVER returned to wardrobe!"

The crowd gasped!

"Someone stole them!" Shelby looked around desperately.

"And, if memory serves," Albel said, not finished with Shelby, "you always put on your makeup. Makeup that always ended up disappearing as well..."

"I wanted to do a good job!"

"Maybe, Shelby. But come everyone always gets confused as to what your gender is? More so than me! And how come I found those missing dresses in your closet last week! Along with-"

"FRAMED! I WAS FRAMED!" Shelby squeaked, his voice rising with every word.

"Maybe, Shelby! OR MAYBE IT'S MAYBELLINE!"

Albel leaned back, sensing his victory. Shelby panicked.

"Hey! You've played female roles before! You even wanted to be Kim in Miss Saigon!"

Albel's eyes narrowed, realizing this wasn't quite over.

"He's right," The Man Who Plays Kim gasped. Everyone turned to him. "I'VE HAD A REVELATION!"

"Kill me," Albel whispered.

"They're both..." The Man Who Plays Kim's eyes widened. "They're both gay!"

"WHAT!" Albel screamed, throwing his hands into the air.

"It explains everything, sir." The Man Who Plays Kim nodded. Everyone else turned to Albel.

"Bah! Fool, if you haven't noticed there are NO girls in the Black Brigade."

"Then...we're all gay?"

"No, idiot! The point that I'm trying to make is that eventually, all of us would have to play a female role because there are no actual women around. Except for Shelby."

"Oh," everyone said. Shelby fumed.

"So. What were we talking about again?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked.

"Hell if I know. REUNION!" Albel yelled.

"REUNION!" The Black Brigade cheered.

"And we shall NEVER speak of this moment again!" Albel added. The Black Brigade nodded in agreement.

"So how are we going to continue with our shows?" Shelby asked.

"Oh yeah. We can have a bake sale. Everyone loves cookies," Albel answered.

"That sounds good, except none of us have cooking ability beyond level 20."

"Oh well. If all else fails we can resort to the Black Brigade Yearly Calendar...again."

Everyone shuddered.

* * *

Meanwhile, Demetrio was break dancing in the middle of Airyglyph. 

"I'm Demetrioooooo! I'm a rap star!"

Everyone did their best to avoid him.

"I just want some attention!" Demetrioooooo cried.

* * *

I think I wrote that entire chapter just to make the Maybelline joke. 

And The Man Who Plays Kim seems to be developing into a major character now. Interesting.

Anywho, in case you didn't get what Reunion was from, you should now. It's building up to something...something...evil!

**Sorceress Myst: **I'm glad you like it. Your stories are pretty darn schweet! Albel/Nel stories rock rock on!

**Blue Persuasion: **Haha! That line is beautiful. And the Hunter Destroyer Vampire Monkey of Death is my homage to Invader Zim.

**Mayu: **Eep! Threats!

**BlueTrillium: **I kept making the vile vial mistake when I wrote that chapter. Stupid homonyms. Glad you caught that though, I don't always catch everything when I do the editing myself. And I have read 'Say My Name'. It's pretty darn schweet! Also, Alucrab would never try to kill you. He's too busy eating fried chicken.

Thank you and come again!


	4. Team Switcher

**The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Aquarian Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Four: Team Switcher

* * *

**

Albel Nox sat in the kitchen. He had been eating for at least two hours.

"He's a bottomless pit," a Black Brigade soldier noted. The Man Who Plays Kim nodded in agreement.

"Wonder how he got to be so skinny."

"He runs after Shelby a lot trying to kill him."

"He gets pummeled by that ninja lady from Aquaria on a weekly basis."

"He's the Black Brigade's One Man Rugby Team. He beats thecrap out of the Storm Brigade and Dragon Brigade regularly."

"He does aerobics. I've seen it. The images are now burned into my mind and I can never forget that horrible, horrible sight."

"Fools," Albel cursed. "I, Albel Nox, have never been defeated in battle! Not by the likes of Shelby, Duchess Vox, or in a game of rugby!" Albel immediately threw himself to the ground and looked around cautiously. Nothing bad happened so he took his seat again.

"And the ninja chick?" Shelby asked, a smirk forming on his face.

"Bah. The wench doesn't fight with honor. She sneaks up on me. Doesn't count."

"Not really sneaky. I mean, every time you say that you are invincible and promise something to anyone who can beat you, she shows up and wipes the floor with you."

"_I, Albel Nox, will sign over the entire Nox estate to the one who can defeat me in battle!"_

_Within seconds, a certain red-headed ninja burst through the doors, drop kicked the Black Brigade Captain, laughed at him, and ran away._

"I meant to the man who beat me! Not the one! She's not a man! She doesn't get my estate!"

"Whatever," Shelby muttered.

"What about those other times?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked.

"_I, Albel Nox, will read to the elderly if a warrior can defeat me in battle!"_

_Zelpher jumped down on top of Albel, from who knows where, and proceeded to strangle him with his own braids until he passed out._

"Lies!"

"_I, Albel Nox, will give the person who can overcome me in battle a major role in the next Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe production!"_

_Nel Zelpher appeared from under a table, pulled his legs out from under him, rolled him up in a carpet, and pushed him down the stairs._

"_Christine it is, Nox! Haha!"_

"She was terrible in the role of Christine!"

"_I, Albel Nox, will bake cookies for the fool who can smite me!"_

_Albel dove to the ground, expecting the usual attack from Nel Zelpher._

"_Well I'll be dammed," he chuckled, rising to his feet. Nel tapped his shoulder and he whirled around. Nel, it turned out, had a powerful right hook. She sent him to the ground and he had a bruise on his face for a week._

"She wanted snicker doodles! Who likes snicker doodles!"

"I wish I could be beaten up by a hot chick," The Man Who Plays Kim said. Albel rolled his eyes and rose from his seat.

"Where ya going, Sir Albel?" a chef asked.

"Away from you maggots." Albel swiftly exited the room.

"He's in denial," Shelby laughed.

* * *

"Clair, your shortcuts are horrible."

"Shut up! You don't understand!"

"What's there to understand? You're directionally challenged."

"Stop it!"

"Even your father has better navigational skills than you! He just heads where he'll be most annoying and always gets there. Always."

"I told you to stop talking!"

Nel groaned and continued hacking her way through a jungle with her daggers. Clair moped around behind her, quietly complaining.

"Alright, based on the direction we started traveling in and the amount of time we spent going in said direction..." Nel stroked her chin and looked around her. "Kirlsauce should be right over there."

"Sure, Nel. This jungle isn't even on the map," Clair said. "Do you have some crazy power where your eyes look all freaky like and you can see everywhere? Do ya, huh? Well you don't, Nel! Because you're not that kind of ninja!"

"Aha!"

Clair's mouth hung open in shock as Nel slashed a bush in two, revealing Kookyilsa on the other side.

"Well I'll be," Clair laughed. "I guess I shouldn't have doubted you, best buddy."

"The sun will set in about an hour. It's best if we stay with one of my contacts here in Krilllsa," Nel reasoned.

"Alright. Let's sneak! Sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak."

"Clair?"

"Yes, Nel?"

"I know you're a great ninja and all...supposedly...since we've never actually seen you do anything."

"YES, NEL?" Clair's right eye twitched slightly. Nel inched away from her grey-haired companion.

"Saying sneak does not make you sneaky," Nel said quickly. Clair looked like she was about to cry.

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

"Shhh! The Storm Brigade is stationed here! We don't want to draw attention," Nel cautioned.

"What's Crazy Old Man Woltar gonna do? Come out of his house and yell at us to get off his lawn?"

"Come on," Nel muttered. She grabbed Clair by the arm and pulled her along.

* * *

"It's not the end of the world, sir," Schweimer said in a calm voice, patting his leader on the back.

"Yes it IS!" Vox wailed. "My eyeshadow shipment is late! I needed it today, Schweimy! Today!"

"There, there. No one will notice. Your face is already perfect."

"Thank you, you're sooo right, Schweimy," Vox said with a sniffle. Schweimer handed him a tissue.

* * *

Nel knocked on a wooden door. Clair stood behind her, repeatedly scanning the area for enemies. The door opened slightly, revealing a paranoid looking woman.

"Who is it?"

"Nel," Nel whispered so only the woman inside could hear.

"Hey! What's up Lofn! How's the spying going?" Clair shouted, waving to her friend.

"Oh good job, Clair. Now you've blown my cover," Lofn growled. Nel rolled her eyes and quickly stepped inside the house. "Can I leave Clair out there, Nel?"

Nel paused for a second, thinking it over. "Probably shouldn't."

"Damn."

"What's with you, Lofn?" Clair asked, closing the door as she joined the two in Lofn's home.

"Just shut up, idiot,"Lofn said.

"You don't understa-"

"Enough of that!" Nel yelled, cutting Clair off. Clair fumed.

"So, now what?" Lofn asked.

"Let's go to a bar," Clair suggested, her anger suddenly gone.

"Sure. Maybe there'll be Storm Brigade soldiers in there that we can party with," Nel said.

"Yeah!" Clair grinned.

"Soldiers who know the descriptions of the Shield Legion's and Secret Legion's commanders," Nel continued, her eyes narrowing slightly.

"It'll be fun!"

"I SMACK YOU!" Lofn smacked Clair upside the head.

"Ow!"

"Really, Clair. I hope you were joking." Nel had a feeling that Clair wasn't.

* * *

"I wonder if he got my letter," Romero wondered. "Maybe I should write another. Raxa! Get me more angry letter writing material! Make it extra angry!"

"Yes, commandeeeeeer!"

"Stop doing that! It's weird!"

* * *

Lofn had fallen asleep under a table, a bottle of cider in her hand. Nel and Clair sat on the floor, laughing about the theory of punctuated equilibrium.

"Yeah, and wash all punkshuated and yeah," Clair giggled.

"Hehe, yeah."

* * *

"Sir Albel, I don't see how a duel to the death between Kim and Thuy can fit into this performance," Shelby said, staring at the poor actors who were being forced to act out the death match. It was night and most of the Black Brigade was exhausted.

"Trust me, it works," Albel replied, standing next to Shelby.

"But with switchblades? On a bridge over a lava pit?"

"Stop questioning me, maggot!"

* * *

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DISAGREE WITH MY THEORIES ON EVOLUTION!" Clair screeched. Nel and Clair squared off, both looking ready to kill each other.

"You disagreed with ME! Damn you to hell!"

* * *

"But seriously, sir. Over a lava pit?"

"I said shut up!"

* * *

Nel Zelpher silently made her way to the Kerilsasasa Training Facility. As she approached, she could see lights (more like explosions) on the top level of the building. She sighed, realizing that she couldn't head back now. Oh well, she had to make a choice.

But she did feel bad, leaving Lofn and Clair behind. In the end, Nel had to throw a smoke bomb and ninja vanish. She could still hear Clair screaming about evolution theories. Clair could be insanely loud when she wanted to be. Only Farleen outmatched her in that department.

"My leeeeeeg!" A voice pierced the silence and broke Nel's train of thought.

Nel sighed once more and snuck into the Training Facility.

Albel was walking down one of the less frequently traveled halls of the Korokukuilsa Training Facility when it happened. He was rather tired and was hoping to at least get some sleep that night. Unfortunately, when he looked up, he saw one of his worst nightmares step out of a doorway.

"Oh hell." Albel winced, remembering all the pain that was usually inflicted upon him when _she_ showed up. "Zelpher."

"Nox." Nel added a nod to this greeting. Her face was obscured by her scarf and her hands rested on her hips.

"What do you want, wench?" He asked coldly. Nel shrugged.

"I had nothing else to do."

Albel gave her a suspicious look. "Nothing to do? So you decided to sneak around for awhile? And how do you always get in here! I told Shelby to post guards at every window, door, and secret passage."

"Ninja, Albel. Ninja."

"Whatever, worm."

"Okay, fine."

"Eh?" Albel raised one eyebrow and his hand slowly crept to the hilt of his sword.

"Listen, I can't go back to Aquaria."

"Why?"

"I'd prefer not to explain it. Anyways, Nox, I have a proposal."

"I don't have time for this, woman. And if this is one of those crazy marriage thingys then you can just _die_!"

"Listen, skirt boy-"

"IT'S NOT A SKIRT!"

"I don't care!"

"It's a SARONG!"

"Can I join the Black Brigade?"

"AND PURPLE IS NOT A FEMININE...color...what?" Albel was speechless. He stared at Nel in disbelief.

"If you let me join, I'll promise not to kick your ass anymore. Or any other of your soldiers for that matter. Except maybe Shelby."

"What...? No!"

"Nox!"

"Absolutely not!"

"Oh come on, we're going to ending being paired together in the end anyways."

"WHAT!"

"Might as well hang around with you now."

"Ugh..."

"Honestly, who else could possibly be a legitimate love interest for you? Some psychotic squeaky sissy boy with migraine problems or some kind of disgruntled, clone woman of the sissy boy?"

"Don't even joke about that! Some things just shouldn't be joked about!"

"Even worse, the sissy boy's stalker! You don't want to get paired with a sissy boy stalker, do you?"

"NO! N-no! Sweet mother of NO! I'd rather marry a tree!"

"Then there's only one choice..."

"Bah."

"If you pay attention, all roads lead to an AlbelNel pairing."

"BAH! Bah I say!"

"So let me join the Black Brigade."

"No!"

"Why not?"

"You're planning to backstab me!"

"All of Airyglyph is out to backstab you."

"Uh. Not The Man Who Plays Kim. We're tight."

"Who?"

"He plays Kim in my upcoming production of Miss Saigon. Which you have probably come to sabotage!"

"Hey, the 'incident' from Phantom of the Opera wasn't my fault. Shelby did it. I saw him."

"What! The traitorous little maggot...I'll rip him into pieces." Albel drew his sword from its sheath and stalked past Nel, muttering various profanities.

"Where are you going?" Nel asked, still standing in the same position.

"To kick that bastard's ass!" Albel growled.

"So can I join the Black Brigade?"

"Go ahead, wench! See if I care! SHELBY!"

Nel grinned slightly and watched as Albel disappeared around a corner.

"Hey Albel, what's up?" a certain traitorous little maggot asked, seeing his captain walking towards him.

"DIE WORM!"

"AAAAAAARRRRGHHH!"

Nel, the newest member of the Black Brigade, headed for the roof, curious as to what this Miss Saigon was all about.

* * *

"I'm Nel, the Crimson Blade and I make people die," a young girl yelled enthusiastically.

"I'm Albel the Wicked and I like musicals," a boy shouted at the girl. The two began chasing each other in circles.

"Hey!"

The children turned as they saw the gates to the Storm Brigade's headquarters swing open and a familiar figure step out..

"You damn kids get off my lawn!" Woltar raised his fist in the air and held a garden hose in the other. The guards beside him stared off into space, very much used to this kind of behavior.

"It's Crazy Old Man Woltar!" the girl cried.

"Run for it!" The two kids sprinted off towards their homes, screaming in terror.

"Damn kids," Woltar muttered, shuffling back through the gates.

* * *

I love that ending. Anywho, here ya go. Chapter Four. Nel went and joined the Black Brigade. Team switcher! Don't expect any serious romance schtuff going on. Unless it's leading to something hilarious. Hmmm...

**Commie Sky: **Twelve purple duck llama japanada goosebery jam divided by the square root of a lobster. Got that?

**Blue Persuasion: **Ya gotta love the Rock Horry Picture Show. Hope ya liked Chapter Four!

**Blue Trillium: **I'm glad you caught that line, it was one of my favorites. All the FF7 references will come in to play later. And I try not to think about what a Black Brigade calendar would look like. Shudder. Multiple porcupine...porcupi! That's what I would call 'em.

**Liz: **Thanks for all the comments. Nah, Vox really isn't gay. He only loves himself and his pets (which inevitably rebel against him). Schweimer is a brown noserwho may or may not love Vox. And Albel is just plainambiguous. When writing, I try to keep as random as possible. I'll start a chapter with no idea of where I'm going. Were you talking about Lucrecia LeVrai's 'To Hell and Back' with the AlbelVox-ness? I thought it was a good story.

**LeFox: **Romero's parts are so fun to write. I think I was hungry when I wrote the cherry cobbler part. Thanks for the review!

**alnel4life: **This is supposed to bekinda confusing. I have to reread the whole story a lot just to make sure I don't mess something up. I'm glad you thought this was funny! Muchos gracias!

Thanks y'all for the reviews.

Peace out!


	5. Only Butter Will Save Us Now

**The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Aquarian Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Five: Only Butter Will Save Us Now

* * *

**

"This is the most amazering plan ever," Duke Vox squealed, waving his hands excitedly.

"Sir! I didn't know you had such a fabulous jazz hand technique," Schweimer complimented.

"What?" Vox stared at his subordinate.

"What's your plan, sir?"

"Ahhh! Yes! I decided that attacking _him _on the ground is useless," Vox said, pointing to his latest drawing that he had nailed above his desk.

"Yes,sir. Apparently _he_ is more formidable than we imagined when fighting on the ground."

"I know! But it was a mere misconfiguration."

"Yes! Mere miscalculation, sir."

"That's what I said you, lousy leper. Anyways, I have decided that the best way to attack and defeat _him _is attacking by air and defeating _him_ by air!"

"Genius! Do you intend to use dragons, sir?"

"Of course not! _He_ would expect that. I'm inventing my own vehicle of flightation!"

"Please enlighten me, sir."

"Certainly, Schweimy. You see, when I was busy grieving over the lack of eyeshadow in this castle, I discovered something spectacular. While you were out buying more tissues, I had thrown a used tissue into the air. As it had only been lightly used, the tissue was not yet crumpled up. It floated slowly to the ground."

"...What are you talking about, sir?"

"Tissues float around and junk, you baboon!"

"That has been known to happen to tissues, sir."

"Silence! It gave me a splendid idea, you worthless whaler! I realized that by getting a giant tissue, I could float above the Kyerillsersa Training Facility, thus surprising the crap out of that cross dressing artsy fartsy girly boy."

"..."

"I know. My plan is so amazing you're speechless."

"...Right, sir..."

"Alright, Schweimy," Vox said. He grinned and pointed to the door. "Let's go get some us some floaty tissues of impending doom!"

"...Right, sir..."

* * *

"So are you just going to sit there and critique our performance?" 

"Naturally."

Albel Nox glared at Nel Zelpher. That wench had the nerve to march into his territory and take it over. It was the day after she had joined and Nel already ruled the Black Brigade with an iron fist.

"And what would you do, wench? The Man Who Plays Kim is the only one in this group who can get close to the level of emotion Kim has. In fact, he's a fine actor! Second only to me! With our combined might we can conquer the world! Everyone will bow before our acting ability! First the stage, then the world! COME MY SOLDIERS! Reeeeeeeuuuunnn-"

"I thought I told you to stop doing that ranting thing," Nel said, effectively cutting the Black Brigade Captain off. He sent her a hateful glare.

"Just stay silent," he muttered, turning away from the Aquarian woman.

"Face it, Nox. Unless he swaps gender, he'll never be able to play the role of Kim perfectly."

"Shut up already," Shelby groaned. He was sitting on the ground, wrapped in bandages. Albel had pummeled him the night before, blaming him for the 'incident' during the Phantom of the Opera.

"Don't tell me to shut up," Nel said softly.

"Don't tell her to shut up," Albel growled.

"You both shut up!" Shelby hissed. "You've been acting like a coward around her, Captain Albel. What could she possibly do? We don't have to put up with her crap."

"You really don't want to make her angry," Albel warned, looking towards Shelby.

"Psh. She's just a woman."

Nel's eyes narrowed. She was currently sitting in Albel's happy place on the wall (much to Albel's displeasure). She was known to be a patient woman. But everyone has their limits. And when she lost her temper...

"She's more or less taken over the Black Brigade! I can't believe the Black Brigade is still following you, Albel!"

"She'll kick our asses," The Man Who Plays Kim yelled. "Albel is no coward. He's just not an idiot."

"You're the idiots," Shelby snapped. He rose to his feet, everyone on the Korryeelsa roof giving him their attention. "She has fooled you all into believing that she's dangerous. We must rebel against her tyranny! Who's with me!"

And then there was silence.

"I say you lose, Shelby," Albel chuckled.

"At least I'm not afraid of her," Shelby said. He turned to insult Nel but she had disappeared. "Where'd she go?"

"Flying Guillotine!"

"HRK!"

And Shelby went sailing off the roof of the Training Facility.

"Lovely form, perfect execution, Lady Nel" The Man Who Plays Kim complimented.

"Thank you," Nel replied.

* * *

"I swear! That man is so rude," Romero spat. He glared at Raxa. "Are you sure we haven't gotten any responses to the angry letters?" 

"Noooo, commaaannndeeeer!"

"I thought I told you to stop doing that! It's creeping me out."

"'Kay. So now what? More angry letters, chief?"

"It seems that the letters are useless against him. So the answer is no. I must retreat to my lair to determine my next course of action."

"You could go eat him and dance on people's corpses."

"Dancing? That's disgusting."

"You used to do that kinda stuff all the time, man."

"I've grown up."

"You're not fun anymore, man."

"Maybe you should grow up too."

"I least I don't retreat into my lair to cry and eat chocolate."

"Shut up! I hate you! Gawd! Why can't you just try to put yourself in my place for once! It's not easy being evil!"

"I have an idea, commander. What if we all went out and did something evil right now? Then you'd feel much better."

"Raxa, you idiot, I think you're right. Go fetch the mischief bag and let's be off!"

"Yes, commmaaaannnddeeeeerrr!"

"NONE OF THAT!"

* * *

"And that's why the tissue scheme didn't work, Schweimer." 

"Yes, sir."

Duke Vox was currently hospitalized. He lay on his cot, unable to move. The nurses had encased him in a full body cast.

"I think we should come up with a different plan. One that doesn't involve you jumping off the castle to test your inventions."

"Maybe if we found a larger tissue..."

"I have an idea, sir. You might like it..."

"Go ahead, Schweimy."

"What if we got an air dragon?"

"We have lots of those. Your plan sucks."

"Wait, sir! What if we strapped a giant cannon to said dragon and flew around the Kirbysila Training Facility."

"Perfect, Schweimer. But you missed one vital detail."

"What's that, sir?"

"We'll need another dragon to transport the Dragon Brigade Men's Glee Club can sing the Ride of the Valkyries for us! It will be so dramatic!"

"..."

"I love it, Schweimy! Love it!"

"Uh."

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRHHHHH!"

Suddenly, a deformed crab crashed through a window. Did that castle have glass windows? I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention between the part where that blue haired kid started talking to the part where the blue haired kid's recolored sprite started flying around in circles screaming about his creations coming to his house and kicking his dog. Anywho, the deformed crab crashed through a window, interrupting Vox and Schweimer's scheming.

"Holy schnikes! It's Alucrab!"

Alucrab launched itself across the room, raising its claw in the air.

"Aiiiieeeee!" Vox somehow managed to fling himself from his bed. Unfortunately, he crashed into the ground face first. Alucrab landed on the floor in front of him. The monster spun around and prepared to strike again.

"You wouldn't kill me, would you Alucrab?" Vox squeaked. His face was pressed against the cold floor and no amount of flailing would help him evade Alucrab's next attack.

"I'll save you, sir!" Schweimer yelled. He tore off one of his boots and reached inside. "Ahaha! Melted butter!" Schweimer revealed a small jar filled with the deadly butter. Alucrab hissed, eyes shifting between Vox and Schweimer. Alucrab began to approach Vox again.

"What's going on?" Vox asked, only able to see the evil crab inching towards him.

"Butter! A crab's worst enemy!" Schweimer flung the jar at the crab and it shattered, sending melted butter everywhere. Alucrab writhed in agony.

"RaaaaaaRrrrrRRRRRrghhHHGHgghhhh!" Alucrab took to the air and quickly vanished through the window.

"That was unusual," Schweimer said, staring at the window.

"You get used to that stuff after awhile," Vox sighed. "And where'd you get that butter from?"

"I hid some in my boot, sir."

"In your boot?"

"Yes, sir." Schweimer saluted Vox, who was still lying on his face.

"How the hell did you put a jar of delicious melted butter in your boot?"

* * *

"So, Farleen, I'm been thinking and stuff." 

"Yeah?"

"Do you think it would be wise move for me to invest in some beach front property? I could rent it out during tourist season. And stuff."

Farleen stared at her tomboyish comrade.

"Bad idea, maaaan! Where would you get the money! I mean, you've had so many pay cuts! Now you're actually paying Nel to work for her!"

"That's why I need an alternate source of revenue. I live in a box outside Arias. I have to fight off rats and those bloody porcupines to get food and stuff."

"Whoooooooooooooooooaaaaa."

"I'm so poor I'm one level below the hobos."

"Maaaan! Hobos? They're my friends. We play rugby sometimes behind HQ."

"Farleen! I'm totally serious, dude."

"Yah, maaaaan."

"I say we take out Nel. Then we can get her salary," Tynave whispered. Farleen blinked.

"Whooa."

"I know. But keep it a secret. Clair will totally spill the beans to Nel and then cut our salaries."

"Nice idea," Clair said.

"Dude!" Farleen yelped. Tynave and Farleen looked up from their seats at the table in Arias' HQ. Clair was sitting across from them.

"You heard it all?" Tynave looked about ready to cry.

"Yeah. We were all sitting here to discuss strategies. Before I could start talking you began ranting on and on about comitting treason. Anywho, Nel joined the Black Brigade so you guys can have her salary."

"WHAT! She's the only one who actually did anything! Now we're screwed. We are so totally screwed and stuff. But at least I'll have her salary before she kills me."

"Except we get payed on a two week basis. Last Friday was pay day and Nel will certainly have killed us all by the next pay day," Farleen said. "So you'll never see that paycheck anyways, Tynaaaaaave."

"Dammit!"

"That's why I have a plan to get Nel back! She'll kill us all if we don't do something!" Clair jumped to her feet and slammed her fists into the table.

"What is it?" Farleen and Tynave asked in unison.

"We're going to sabotage the Black Brigade's Miss Saigon and frame Nel Zelpher for it!"

"Oh snap!" Demetrio yelled.

"Get out of here!" The Aquarian ninjas yelled.

"No love for Demetriooooo," Demtriooooo wept before running back to Airyglyph.

"I hate him so much."

"We all do, Farleen. We all do."

* * *

Meanwhile, on the S.S. Randomosity... 

"Look lads," The Lookout bellowed, staring at the horizon with a telescope.

"What is it! This better not be another iceberg. We're busy playing playing rugby!" One of the Crewmen yelled back.

"No, you idiots! It's Plot! I see PLOT!"

"Plot!" The Crew gasped.

"We haven't seen Plot in eighty-three years, since we left our homeland of the GloriousMing Ching Bing ZingDynasty Featuring Zoroaster the Dancing Shrew!"

"Mayans forever, mates!" A Drunk screamed before weights were tied to his feet and he was tossed overboard.

That's when the S.S. Randomosity hit Plot. And promptly sunk.

"I lived as few men dared to dreaaaaam," The Drunken Captain wailed as he and the rest of the ship's crew were devoured by beaver whales.

I really don't know how to explain that one.

**Sorceress Myst: **No one would wear the pants! They both wear skirts. It's madness, I tells you! But the Metaphorical Pants? Probably Nel. It's because she's a Ninja.

**Blue Persuasion: **That would be the most crazy psycho wedding ever. The Man Who Plays Kim would probably be crying and Romero would probably read out death threats instead. Shelby would be handing Vox tissues. The ending with the kids was my favorite part of that whole chapter!

**BlueTrillium: **Prickle, eh? That makes sense, actually. Yeah, Albel seems to be in denial about the skirt thing. I truly believe he renounced all pants sometime before the Star Ocean game begins.

**May: **I've heard Advent Children was real good. I'm hoping to see it sometime soon. Glad you like the humor!

**Demon Priestess** **Saturn:** What the hell, indeed.That's what I wonder all the time when I write this. Thanks for finding this so funny!

**LeFox:** I'm glad you liked the Woltar ending. That entire chapter was leading to that joke.

**A Mid-Boss named Malik: **Hmm, considering that I don't know what Milky Way majiggy is, I'll have to say it's just a senile-man-with-a-lawn thing. I actually think I read that joke a while back in a comic somewhere. I know I didn't come up with it.

Thanks for the reviews ya'll!

Peace out!


	6. Albel Nox: Bird of Prey

**The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Aquarian Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Six: Albel Nox: Bird of Prey**

This is my favorite chapter out of the nine I've written so far.

* * *

"KAWWW!" 

"Albel! Get down from there!"

"KAAAAWW! KAW!"

"Oh Apris," Nel groaned, rubbing her forehead. Shelby and The Man Who Plays Kim stood next to her, staring up as their deranged captain clung to the highest tower of the Koopalalalasa Training Facility.

"I can't believe it. He's finally snapped," The Man Who Plays Kim said.

"He thinks he's a flippin' crow. Or a chicken. Or ebola or something," Shelby muttered.

"Ebola?" Nel glanced at Shelby.

"Yeah. It's like a hawk. You know. But all foreign-like."

"I knew it. Yesterday's fall from the roof did make you more of an idiot." Nel turned her attention back to Albel Nox. He was hanging by his claw and 'kawing' very loudly.

"Well at least Albel sent his skirt to the cleaner's today. If he wasn't wearing his emergency pants right now we'd be in for a horrible, horrible sight." Shelby shuddered slightly.

"Where'd he get those pants anyways? I thought he denounced all pants five years ago." The Man Who Plays Kim looked confused.

"I don't want to know where Albel shops for his clothes," Shelby muttered.

"Enough about his pants. I think we can just all agree that it's very convenient that Albel chose Pants Day to go insane." Nel nodded her head, ending the conversation.

"Agreed," the Black Brigade men said.

A long pause.

"Think he's in trouble?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked.

"Nah. If he falls, he'll just fly," Shelby laughed.

"We have to do something," Nel whispered.

"No way, Guadalupe. It's your fault he thinks he's a bird. You go save Albel the Bird of Prey."

"I had nothing to do with it! He just started acting crazy. Well, more crazy."

"WORMS!" Albel screeched, glaring down at them.

"Shiest, he's going to try to eat us again," Shelby said, stepping back in fear.

"If he jumps he'll die!" The Man Who Plays Kim was on the verge of tears. Nel rolled her eyes.

"Nox! If you come down I'll give you a Bird of Prey cookie," Nel offered, waving her hand in the air.

"I AM A BIRD OF PREY! KAW KAW KAW KAW!" Albel ignored her and swung his leg up onto the tower's roof. He pulled himself up and jumped to his feet. He flapped his arms and spun in a circle. "KAAAAAWWWW!"

"This is so embarrassing. Thank Apris the rest of the Black Brigade is out on their monthly field trip to the Whistle Factory." Nel folded her arms.

"What should we do? I'll assume command of the Black Brigade if I must," Shelby said in a noble voice.

"Stuff it, back stabber." The Man Who Plays Kim gave Shelby a cold look.

"I have an idea," Nel began. "We could dress up as birds and lure him down here."

"We? As in you and The Man Who Plays Kim, right?" Shelby took another step away.

"You're not going anywhere," Nel said, cracking her knuckles.

"I knew today was going to suck. Every day of my life sucks."

* * *

"Sit still Oddeye, this will only take a minute!" 

"_STUPID HUMANS!_" Oddeye screeched.

"Enough of your sass, dragon! Arzei said we could borrow you for a few hours."

"_ONE DAY I WILL CONSUME YOUR FLESH!_"

"You're all talk," Duke Vox hissed. Schweimer stood silently in a corner.

"Sir, let's just tape the cannon to him and be done with it," Schweimer said.

"Right. Here goes!" Vox jumped on top of Oddeye and taped a giant cannon to the top of his head. The real question here is how Vox managed to hop around carrying a giant cannon.

"_NO WAY! YOU DID NOT JUST USE DUCT TAPE! THAT STUFF HURTS CRAZY MUCH COMING OFF!_"

"It'll be worth it. Trust me." Vox sat down behind the cannon and waved for Schweimer to get on.

"He's going to eat me, sir," Schweimer whimpered.

"_IT'S TRUE. THE SECOND YOU GET WITHIN RANGE, I WILL DEVOUR YOU WHOLE._"

"He's just kiddin' around, Schweimy. Let's go!"

"I think I have somewhere else to be right now, sir."

"_COWARD!_"

"Where do you have to be?" Vox squinted at Schweimer, trying to look skeptical. Instead he looked like a baboon.

"Uh, Woltar asked me to swing by and trim the hedges. It's getting hard for him in his old age."

"That is true. Well, Schweimy, I respect you for helping the elderly. Too bad you can't witness my greatest day of triumph. Peace out!"

Schweimer nodded and sprinted out of the chamber.

"_I HATE HIM SO MUCH._"

"Nah, that's Demetrio you're talking about."

"_DON'T SAY THAT NAME TO ME. HE SPENT ALL OF YESTERDAY PERFORMING HIS NEW RAP SONGS. I TRIED TO EAT HIM BUT HE BREAK DANCED AWAY._"

"Yeah, he'll do that."

* * *

"This is humiliating," Shelby whined. Nel had forced him into an ostrich outfit and given The Man Who Plays Kim a parrot costume. Nel herself was hiding behind a pillar. 

"Why aren't you doing this too, Lady Nel?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked. "It was _your_ idea, after all."

"I'll hit him in the head once he comes down here," Nel reasoned.

"Okay," The Man Who Plays Kim said. "Just not too hard. He's my best friend."

"He's not your best friend, idiot. He only said that because he was drunk at the last Black Brigade Block Party," Shelby said.

"LIES! ALL OF IT!"

"Get on with it!" Nel yelled from her hiding place.

"Right," Shelby groaned. "HEY LOOK! WORMS!"

"KAW?" Albel's head jerked up and he leaned over the roof to see what was going on.

"I love WORMS!" The Man Who Plays Kim said loudly. "Too bad Albel can't have any WORMS because he's not here!"

"I guess we'll have to eat ALL THE WORMS without him." Shelby jumped up and down, flapping his makeshift wings.

"KAAAAAAAWW!" Albel's eyes narrowed and he prepared to leap down upon his comrades.

"UGHGH! These worms are horrible!" The Man Who Plays Kim shrieked, falling backwards.

"You moron! You weren't really supposed to eat them!" Shelby kicked The Man Who Plays Kim in the side.

"You're ruining the plan!" Nel yelled, stomping towards them.

"Kaw?" Albel watched as the red-head proceeded to pummel Shelby. As she did so, Nel proceeded to step all over the worms, crushing them into pieces. Albel's eyes widened. "KAW!"

"What?" Nel looked at the ground. "Oi, now it's all over my boots."

"It's your fault!" Shelby moaned, trying to drag himself away from the Aquarian ninja.

"KAW!" Albel screeched, ripping a tile off from the roof with his claw.

"Oh he's mad," The Man Who Plays Kim observed.

"Calm down, Albel," Nel said softly, raising her hands.

"KAAAAAAAAAWWW!" Albel flung the tile at Nel with tremendous force, nailing her in the head. She stumbled backwards and landed on her back.

"Holy shit! He killed Nel!" Shelby screamed. The Man Who Plays Kim looked ready to faint.

"Kaw kaw kaw kaw KAW!"

* * *

"Nobody knows...the trouble I've seen." 

Demetrio sat alone on the side of a long forgotten road.

"Nobody knows...my sooooorrroooowwww."

* * *

"Nel! You have to live!" Shelby knelt by Nel's side and poked her in the head. A thin line of blood trailed from her mouth and down her chin. 

"I thought you hated her!" The Man Who Plays Kim said.

"I do hate her! As much as I hate Albel! But she could beat him up! It was funny!"

"KAW!"

"You killed her!" The Man Who Plays Kim cried. "She was the ONLY girl! And you killed her! How could you! Being the only girl practically granted her immunity from death! And you KILLED her!"

"I AM A BIRD OF PREY!" Albel roared from his perch.

"Now what?" Shelby asked.

"He's a murderer! A murderer!"

"Why are you mad? It's not like the wench liked any of us. She beat me up and made fun of your acting ability."

"I know! But deep down inside her cold, bitter heart, she loved us all!"

"What are you talking about?"

"She was the greatest woman ever to join the Black Brigade."

"Only woman," Shelby corrected.

"She even died for our cause!"

"To kill Albel? Wait... Oh Nel Zelpher! Why did you leave us so soon! Before you killed Albel!"

"Lady Neeeeellllll!"

"Crazzzyyy wiiiiiiiitch!"

"AHA! I've got you now!" A familiar voice shouted.

Shelby and The Man Who Plays Kim looked up in horror to see some type of flying dragon tank coming towards them.

"KAW!" Albel hissed, realizing who it was.

"It's Duchess Vox!"

"It's Duchess Vox!"

"KAAAAAAAWWW!"

"Yes! It is I! Duke Vox! I've come to kill you all! Fire away!"

"_WHEN I GET BACK I'M CALLING THE UNION AND GOING ON STRIKE!_"

"Die die die!"

Vox pounded on a small red button on the side of the cannon. The cannon fired, shooting a huge laser at Albel Nox.

"WORM!" Albel dove off the tower seconds before it burst into flames, landing safely on the ground.

"I'll get you, you little transvestite! No one makes fun of my momma and gets away with it!"

Albel hopped across the yard on the Kakailakakasa Training Facility's highest floor, waving his arms wildly.

"Run for it!" Shelby wailed, taking off towards the stairs back into the building.

"What about Lady Nel?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked.

"Leave her! She's dead!"

"And Albel!"

"Leave him! He'll be dead!"

"Forgive me, my brave Captain!" The Man Who Plays Kim gave Albel one final salute before following Shelby. "He lived as few men dared to dream."

"Oh shut up. Let's go to the fallout shelter next to the kitchen. We should be safe there."

"'Kay, Shelby!"

"I'll kill you _ALBEL NOX_!" Vox screeched, kicking Oddeye in the side, commanding him to turn towards the fleeing swordsman.

"Kaw kaw KAW KAW!" Albel jumped over Nel's body and continued across the yard.

"_FINISH HIM!_" Oddeye bellowed.

"BANG!" Vox giggled madly, pressing the button again. Another shot rang out and the laser flew at Albel. Albel was lost in a giant explosion.

"_FATALITY!_" Oddeye yelled.

"Shut up you silly lizard," Vox snapped. "Let's go back."

"_DON'T YOU WANT TO CHECK FOR HIS MANGLED CORPSE? HE MIGHT BE ALIVE._"

"Poppycock! He's dead. I'm so awesome that I don't need to check. To Airyglyph!"

"_IDIOT._"

"No one asked you, you dumb dragon."

* * *

"So I says to him, I says," Schweimer said. "You have a really girly name, Shelby. And he was soooo mad." 

"I don't care," Woltar screamed, his face turning red. "Just GET OFF MY LAWN!"

"Aiiieee!" Schweimer barely avoided getting sprayed by the hose. He ran off in the direction of Arias.

* * *

"Nggghhh," Albel moaned, pulling himself out of a pile of debris. He slowly rose to his feet, swaying slightly. He could taste blood in his mouth. "What happened?" 

The entire area was decimated and one of the towers was missing. Albel scanned the roof, almost in shock. Then he saw Nel buried underneath the remains of a pillar.

"Zelpher!" He limped towards her and fell by her side. He dug her out of the rubble with his bare hands. She wasn't moving.

"No," he whispered. He traced the line of blood from her mouth. "Not you, Nel."

The Black Brigade Captain's head fell forward, his shaggy bangs hiding his tears. Then he felt a sharp pain in his hand.

"AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!" He looked down to see a very angry looking Aquarian maiden biting his hand.

"YOU BIT ME!"

"Serves you right, asswipe," Nel Zelpher spat. Albel was on his feet in a second, looking stunned. He pointed a clawed finger at her.

"You were DEAD!"

"Not really. But that tile did do a number on me," she muttered, sitting up so she could glare at him better.

"HOW!"

"How what?"

"How did you survive all that!"

"The tile? It was easy."

"The EXPLOSIONS, you fool!"

"Oh, those. Yeah, well..."

"BAH!"

"Ninja, Albel. Ninja."

"More like godmoder," Albel muttered.

"Like you're one to talk."

"What happened to Shelby and The Man Who Plays Kim?"

"They ran off like little girls. I think they're in the alligator holding pen by the kitchen. I labeled it 'fallout shelter' yesterday to see how much havoc it would cause," Nel replied.

"In that case, I'm certain that they're being punished appropriately as we speak," Albel said.

"Indeed."

* * *

The Man Who Plays Kim clung to Shelby desperately, tears streaming down his face. 

"I don't want to die yet! I haven't seen Paris!"

"Stop pulling me down!" Shelby yelled, trying to climb up onto a ledge. A few feet below, dozens of ravenous alligators snapped at them impatiently from the murky water.

"I thought this was a fallout shelter!" The Man Who Plays Kim cried. "OW! Stop kicking me!"

"Get off! Get off! I'm more useful than you! Get off!"

"If I die then who will play Kim!"

"Who cares! Let go!"

Suddenly the ledge Shelby was holding crumbled, sending the two men plummeting into the icy water below.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

"Yes, indeed," Albel chuckled, helping Nel up. 

"So now what? This place is a mess. And I am not cleaning it up."

"Bah, let's just go the Waffle House down the road."

"Sure."

Albel Nox and Nel Zelpher left together, certain to spend the rest of the day feasting upon breakfast foods.

* * *

And that's all I have to say about that. 

**LeFox: **I always try to end each chapter as best as I can. I'm glad you like the endings.

**Blue Persuasion: **Counseling for Romero, eh? That actually sounds like a funny idea... Mind if I use it later in the story?

**May: **Randomosity for the excelensity. Did I make up a new word? I'm glad that y'all actually liked the tissue of death idea. I thought it reallyweird but I couldn't figure out how to replace it with a rogue parasail.

**BlueTrillium: **You caught Albel defending Nel! I wasn't sure if people would notice it since it happened kinda fast. And you singled out the mischief bag line. I just love to say that. Mischief bag! And the past tense of smite is smote. Example: Albel Nox smote Vox in rugby last weekend and then proceeded to break dance, much to Demetrio's displeasure.

Thanks for reviewing! Hope you enjoyed Chapter Six!

Peace out!


	7. All Flower Girls Must Die

**The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Aquarian Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Seven: All Flower Girls Must Die**

**I'm thinking about writing another chapter to my serious fic, Desifinado. If you're interested in being a beta, email me (it's on my profile). I also need editors for other non-comedy stories I'm working on. **

**

* * *

**

"So why were you acting like a chicken-crow-ebola bird, Albel?" Nel asked, resting her head on her hands. The Black Brigade was gathered in the kitchen for breakfast.

"Shh!" The Man Who Plays Kim put a finger to his mouth. "Sir Albel said not to speak of that incident ever again."

"But really, yesterday's happenings were incredibly random. Almost like some psychotic force was behind it..." Shelby mused. The Man Who Plays Kim and Nel stared at him.

"Now you're just being silly," The Man Who Plays Kim laughed before attacking the tower of toast that stand before him. Shelby and Nel quietly ate their cereal.

"You're going to get fat if you keep eating those Dragon-Os," Shelby whispered.

"Bite me," Nel hissed, reaching for the box of cereal and pouring more into her bowl. "At least I don't eat Frosted Lum Flakes. That's just plain disgusting."

"Well excuse me, Miss Too Good For Lum Flakes."

"I prefer Evil Overlord Squares," Albel muttered, giving Shelby a cold look.

"Those taste like burnt whale," Shelby shot back. Albel nibbled the corner of a giant Evil Overlord Square. It looked like an ordinary toaster pastry. Only filled with evil jam. That's right. Evil jam!

"You'd know, dress-wearer," Albel chuckled. Nel rolled her eyes and Shelby turned white.

"Pardon my random segue, but Albel, is it just me or have you been more evil lately?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked.

"I...don't know what you're talking about." Albel's eyes shifted back and forth from The Man Who Plays Kim to Steve. "Wait. Steve! DAMMIT!"

"Yeah. I'm still alive. So what's up, chums?"

"Who's he?" Nel inquired, looking up at the newcomer.

"Think Angry Beaver's Bing. So annoying. So clingy." Shelby finished his sentence and buried his face his cereal.

"Angry Beavers...rest in peace, my good show."

For a moment, there was silence.

And then there was non-silence.

"Yeah anyways, the only way to get him to leave is to send him off on insane delivery missions," Albel answered. "So did you deliver that brick to Vox?"

"Nah. I threw it at a chocobo and it ran after me trying to peck me to death. Did I mention that I got way lost on my way to Airyglyph?"

"What in the name of Momma Hoffa is a chocobo?" Albel asked. Nel blinked and reached for a new box of Dragon-Os.

"Dunno. Taste better than lums though."

"Whatever. Steve, for failing to die on your mission, you must now clean the 'fallout shelter'. The Man Who Plays Kim and Shelby made quite a bloody mess down there last night. But the best part of that story is how they overcame their differences and worked together to escape."

"That was quite a story, Sir Albel," The Man Who Plays Kim agreed. Nel nodded before stuffing her head into the cereal box. Shelby appeared to be drowning in his cereal. He could have simply lifted his head but the thought up seeing Steve standing there prevented him from doing so.

"Where's the fallout shelter?" Steve asked.

"Here's a map with a path marked in purple. It will take exactly eighty-four years to traverse. Bye now, Steve," Albel said, handing the man the map. Steve looked at it carefully.

"You wrote some extra directions here. I have to dig an underground path to Airyglyph and go offer my soul to Romero, the king of the dumb? How is that cleaning the fallout shelter?"

"The answer is yellow."

"Oh, okay. Betcha I can do that _twice_ and be back here in half the time," Steve boasted.

"Good luck to you," Albel murmured, returning to his breakfast.

"Steve awaaaaay!" Steve bounded out of the room, delighted by his new assignment.

"Hey, Lady Nel? Lady Nel?" The Man Who Plays Kim poked Nel. She removed her head from the cereal box and looked at him. "Albel said that people aren't allowed to eat more than their own weight infood in one sitting. It's because we have a food shortage."

"Albel?" Nel looked at Albel questioningly. He glanced at her out of the corners of his eyes. She slid a finger across her throat in a menacing manner and grinned wickedly. Albel felt a bead of sweat roll down his face.

"Uh, except for Zelpher," Albel quickly said.

"That's what I thought," Nel laughed before grabbing yet another box of cereal. The Man Who Plays Kim shrugged and ate more toast.

"Sir Albel Nox! Delivery for Sir Albel Nox!" Everyone in the room looked up as a deliveryman rushed into the kitchen carrying a large package.

"Bring it here, maggot," Albel commanded, rising from his seat. The man did so.

"Do I get a tip?" He asked.

"Hell no, worm!" Albel drew his sword and the man sprinted out of the room. "Good."

Albel cautiously ripped open the package with his claw. He smiled with delight upon realizing the package's contents. The swordsman quickly scooped it up into his arms and ran out of the room, a noticeable bounce in his step.

"I bet it's a new skirt," Shelby said, milk dripping down his face.

"Aww, Shelby, why'd you move? I wanted you to drown," Nel sighed.

"I hope you get hanta virus from eating that cereal and die," Shelby whispered.

"Ha! I have an iron stomach. Years of Tynave's cooking will do that to you."

"You win this time, Aquarian wench," Shelby growled.

"I've won every time, girly-mon."

"I hate my life," Shelby moaned, banging his head against the table.

"Hey! I found a prize in my toast!" The Man Who Plays Kim held up a syringe.

"Damn, he was supposed to eat that." Shelby pulled his hair, almost ripping it out in frustration.

"You didn't think he'd notice?" Nel asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Take a look at him. Do you think he'd notice?"

"You have a good point."

* * *

"It's here, it's here, it's here!" Albel danced into his room and slammed the door shut. He tore the rest of the paper off the package and let its innards spill out onto his bed. Haha. Innards. 

Albel's eyes glazed over in joy and he began giggling madly. He clutched his new black trench coat to his chest.

"It's perfect!"

* * *

"I can't believe_ he_ survived that attack!" Vox sat at his desk back in Airyglyph, pouting like he had never pouted before. "And where is Schweimer when you need him? I need some emotional support here..." 

"Hey, Duchess Vox," Demetrio said.

"Sonova..."

"How ya been, m'am?"

"I need emotional support, scumbucket! Not annoying support! Whatever that is! Get out of my room!"

"NO LOVE FOR DEMETRIOOOOOO!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Schweimer was busy getting chased by two Aquarian ninjas. He had strayed into enemy territory while fleeing from Woltar's wrath. Now he found himself in an even greater predicament. 

"Come on, Farleen! Cast a spell on him and stuff!"

"Alriiiiiight!"

"That voice," Schweimer whispered, cringing as Farleen's voice reached his ears. "I hate that voice so much!"

"Fire 2!" Farleen screeched.

"Wrong spell, dude!" Tynave yelled. They were only a few yards behind Schweimer, running as fast as they could.

"I just want to liiiiiiive!" Schweimer wailed, diving under a tree limb. Farleen's head slammed into the low branch and she fell over backwards. Tynave hurried past her, cursing to herself.

"Soooorrry!" Farleen called out, rubbing her head. "Wait. I can think again! THANK YOU APRIS! My thoughts are finally lucid, I can recite Paradise Lost and Beowulf backwards from memory! Here I go, starting with Para-OWW!"

The branch fell off and crashed into Farleen's already injured head.

"Whooooooooaaaa..." Farleen moaned, seeing stars. Trippy stars.

"I'll get you, Airyglyph scum! No one harms my comrades and gets away with it!" Tynave warned, waving a fist in the air. Schweimer twisted his neck to see behind him.

"But I didn't do anything!"

"I'll KEEL you!"

"AAAHHHHH!"

* * *

"Poison Doma," Albel commanded, holding up a small, purple vial. 

"What?" Nel asked, eyebrows shooting up. The entire Black Brigade was outside on the training grounds. Albel, Nel, Shelby, and The Man Who Plays Kim were standing to the side.

"I said poise yo momma. I'm working on another yo momma joke to send to Vox on his birthday. Yo momma have less poise than a drunken sloth."

"That's terrible. And why would you bother remembering your arch-nemesis's birthday?"

"It's a work in progress, fool! And I remember his birthday so I can remind him of how old and ugly he is."

"What's that make you?"

"Young and pretty," Albel said bluntly. Nel closed her eyes and sighed.

"What's with the coat, Sir Albel?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked, pointing at the Black Brigade Captain.

"It's a new look," Albel snapped.

"I think I've seen it somewhere before," Shelby muttered.

"Sephi-NO! You haven't! Lies! Son of a submariner!" Albel's eyes blazed.

"It's a lovely trench coat, Nox," Nel complimented. His eyes narrowed, looking at her suspiciously. "Are you planning to dye your hair silver now?"

"I _knew_ that was leading up to a joke," Albel growled. "And NO! I just happen to enjoy this look."

"Alright, Nox. Let me ask you this. Would you wear a green robe?" Nel asked.

"Certainly," Albel replied.

"And a feather in your hair?"

"Perhaps. If weather permitted."

"And put on clown makeup?"

"Only on weekends-NO! Stop making fun of me!" Albel drew his sword from its sheath and waved it threateningly.

"Oh, look! He has a sword now!" Shelby chuckled.

"I've always had a sword, maggot!"

"Honestly though," Nel began, "have you been up to something again?"

"Yes, in fact I have. I plan to take over the world!"

"That's original," The Man Who Plays Kim said.

"With this substance!" Albel pointed to the vial in his hand. "It was created in secret, for it forbidden to exist. And yet, I have dared to defy the unbreakable rule! I have created the most powerful potion in the world! With it I shall smite all that stand before me! I will-"

"Get to the point!" Nel, Shelby, and The Man Who Plays Kim yelled in unison.

"It's a disease, you fools. It causes the victim's head to expand until it explodes. Also, I have a test subject to see if it actually works." Albel smirked and held up a picture of a girl.

"Oh, a flower girl! You know who else hated flower girls and wore black trench coats?"

Albel decided to ignore Shelby and continue.

"Her name is Ameena! For some unknown reason, I've developed a terrible, burning hatred for this girl. I just want to kill her on sight! You can tell, without her even opening her mouth, that she is one of the most annoying maggots in existence."

"I want to punch her in the face," Shelby said.

"I want to drop kick her and then punt her into a dragon," Nel whispered.

"I want to hit her with a catapult," The Man Who Plays Kim shouted.

"And that's whywe're going to throw this vial at her. Her head should explode. That will prove that this potion can be used as a great weapon and it will also take out that annoying little pest. Now then, who wants to go kill Ameena? For science!"

"I want to kill Ameena for science," the entire Black Brigade roared, hands waving in the air.

"You there! Minion! What's your name?" Albel asked, pointing his claw at a powerful looking man.

"Helheim," he squeaked.

"Go forth and destroy our most formidable foe!" Albel tossed the vial to Helheim. The man missed the catch and it broke on top of his head. Which immediately exploded.

"Ewww." The Man Who Plays Kim backed away, looking repulsed.

"He wasn't meant to live," Nel sighed.

"He was a good man. With a squeaky voice. Now then, who wants to take this new vial and pelt the flower girl with it?" Albel pulled a new vial out from his trench coat and singled out another man. "What's your name, soldier!"

"Hraesvelg."

"Too complicated. Next?"

"Gilgamesh!"

"Gilga-no-way! You! You'll deliver death to this evil flower girl."

"My name is Inigo Montoyota," the dark haired, mustached man announced.

"Montoyota?" Albel looked skeptical.

"Yes. It's definantly Montoyota," Inigo Montoyota answered, looking around nervously.

"Whatever. Go off and do whatever! Honestly I don't remember what we were doing!" Albel handed the vial to Inigo Montoyota and the man took off in a sprint towards Peterny.

"Yeah. Now what?" Shelby asked.

"Anyone up for some Human Chess?" The Man Who Plays Kim suggested.

* * *

"Today is the day you die and stuff!" Tynave had Schweimer cornered. 

"Eeeeeeeee!"

* * *

Human chess was going well. Nel was the white king and Albel was the black queen.

"Shelby! Hack that man to pieces!" Albel commanded while sitting in his square.

"Certainly!" Shelby sprinted at the poor man, who decided to run instead of die.

"AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!"

"Get back here you yellow bastard!" Shelby shook his fist.

"Alright, Zelpher, its my entire team versus you. Just you." Albel looked smug.

"I've realized that, Queen Nox," Nel replied.

"Shut up! You made me be the stupid queen! And the king is The Man Who Plays Kim. He's been asleep for two hours now!"

It was true. The Man Who Plays Kim was curled up in a little ball and snoring softly. It would have made a cute picture if The Man Who Plays Kim wasn't drooling all over the place.

"I bet I still win," Nel said.

"You can't win! Kings can't do anything!" Shelby laughed.

"Yeah, well, I could just set you all on fire."

The entire Black Brigade paused, pondering her threat.

"Albel, let's forfeit," Shelby whispered.

"NO!" Albel screamed, face turning red. "I've spent the entire game being humiliated! Hell, I've spent the entire week being humiliated! And it's all Zelpher's fault!"

"That's called transferring the blame, Nox. You should learn to accept responsibility for your problems," Nel said.

"I challenge you to a one on one duel, wench!" Albel shouted. Silence filled the air as the soldiers waited for Nel's answer.

"Fine." Nel shrugged.

"All of you leave! Except The Man Who Plays Kim. He can be my witness. Got that, The Man Who Plays Kim?" Albel turned his head towards The Man Who Plays Kim. He was still napping. "Whatever."

The Black Brigade sighed in unison and shuffled back inside the Keeeerilahahahahasahahahalalasa Training Facility.

"Ready, Zelpher?"

"Naturally," Nel responded, folding her arms.

"Then we shall settle our differences in a traditional Glyphian duel!"

* * *

Inigo Montoyota had successfully bypassed the Aquarian's line of defense, which consisted of a sign that said 'Stay Out Please!' and an small angry face drawn next to the words. 

"I bring honor to my family!" Inigo shouted, holding his head high. "And one day, I'll avenge you father!" Tears formed in Inigo's eyes and he clenched his fist. "One daaaaaaaaaaaay!"

He walked right into Peterny going on and on like that. The guards were used to freaks walking around. Inigo glanced around and then at the picture of Ameena.

"That looks like her," Inigo thought, staring at a flower girl standing next to the inn. He waited until she looked away before sneaking up next to her. A feminine looking man suddenly appeared next to Ameena and Inigo was forced to dive behind a crate.

"Ameena, the time has almost arrived," he whispered. Ameena nodded.

"Yes, Dion. During the time of the moon's total eclipse, we shall draw the summoning symbol for the Great Crab Kraken. But first we need the blood of a newt and the eye of a virgin."

"The teachings of the Great Crab Kraken are strange indeed. And we must not forget to dress in full Viking regalia. Whatever a Viking is."

"Our suffering is the will of the Great Crab Kraken. When He descends from the skies, He will bring us all great happiness and feast upon the flesh of the nonbelievers. With His help, we shall conquer the world!" Ameena was now shaking with excitement.

"The only possible thing that could bring a halt to our plans is a fatal illness," Dion laughed. "Like that would happen."

"Enough of your babble-talk! I have come to slay you, you foul flower girl!" Inigo Montoyota leapt out from his hiding place and removed the cork from the vial. He swung the vial towards Ameena and the purple liquid splashed all over her face.

"EEK! My head! My head!"

"YOUR HEAD! It's getting LARGER!"

Ameena collapsed to the ground, unable to hold her head up due to its great weight. Dion knelt by her side and held the flower girl in his arms, tears streaming down his face.

"How could you?" Dion asked, his eyes on Inigo. "You bastard!"

"At least I don't wear a dress," Inigo spat.

Then he sneezed on Dion.

"Whoops, sorry. Caught somethin' nasty last week. Been acting all sick and needlessly dramatic-like."

"Oh my...! What do you have against us! What if I get sick! And what about her!"

"Well, her head hasn't exploded yet so I suppose she's just going to have live with an abnormally large head," Inigo said. "Bye now!"

Inigo skipped away, leaving the two Aquarians to die. Eventually. Hopefully.

* * *

"Ready?" 

"Yes."

"..."

"..."

"...!"

"Hah! You missed!"

"Dammit!" Albel cursed. Nel resisted the urge to smile. Albel placed his hands on top of hers.

"..."

"..."

"...!"

"AHH! Dammit!"

"Give up yet, Nox?"

"Never!"

Despite the fact that he had a metal claw on his side, Albel was losing very badly in the ancient game of hand slap.

"You're cheating somehow," he muttered under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Come on! It's not over yet!" Albel put his hands on top of hers again.

"Oh I say it is," Nel said. "We're far over our page limit. Again."

"But there hasn't been a resolution to anything!"

"It matters not, I'd say we only have about a third of a page to wrap this chapter up."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"What a pathetic way to end a chapter."

* * *

Random segue! But this plot shall lead to nowhere! Haha! 

**Blue Persuasion: **Sharks with freakin' laser beams. Haha, I love Austin Powers. Now I wish I had put that in there somewhere.

**NelZelpher88: **Is there a plot? I don't know sometimes. Right now the Aquarians are _supposed _to be destroying the Black Brigade's play. That's about it. And there may or may not be something between Albel and Nel. Nel just likes torturing him and Albel just can't win.

**BlueTrillium: **Yeah, Shelby is a little traitor. Unfortunately, all his hopes of leadership depend on Nel killing Albel. Then of course, an AlNel scene ends with something completely different. Like Nel biting Albel while he's weeping for her. I can't help but sneak in some AlNel but it will more than likely always end with chaos.

**The Crazy Authoresses CAT and AMS: **I loved writing Oddeye's lines the most. He'll be back later, too! And I'm glad you liked the deathscene that wasn't. Thank you for calling me creatively insane! That makes me smile. Kaw!

**PyrrhicVictories: **Thank you! Glad you like the dragon (or dagron, as some call them...don't ask).

**Commie Sky: **You are just plain crazy. That's because you're a communist. I'm going to buy you a Communist Manifesto one day.

**May: **I really do love writing this story. Humor writing is the easiest for me to write. Also, I tend to make a lot of things up. Like my secret theory on the creation of Earth and the end of the dinosaurs. Nevermind that, though. Have you read much of the manga? It takes me so long to get scans. If only I had taken Japnish instead of Spanishese. Or something like that.

**Liz: **I'm glad I could make you laugh. I really hope you feel better.

**RequiemReaper: **Brilliant, eh? Thank you very much!

**Demon Priestess Saturn: **Heh, I'm certainly not making fun of you! I try to make sure I mention every reviewer, even if they are a Communist (coughCommieSkycough). I'm happy that you think this psycho story is still good.

Thank you and come again!

**I'm thinking about writing another chapter to my serious fic, Desifinado. If you're interested in being a beta, email me (it's on my profile). I also need editors for other non-comedy stories I'm working on. I apologize for writing this twice but I'd really like to get some feedback from people who don't know me personally. **

Thanks again and peace out!


	8. The Metaphorical Pants

**The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Aquarian Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Eight: The Metaphorical Pants**

**This chapter is dedicated to BlueTrillium, who drew up some, dare I say, wicked awesome art for the story. Albel the Maker of Snickerdoodles and Albel the UltimateVillain. Most excellent, indeed! **

**

* * *

**

Schweimer had collapsed on the steps of Castle Airyglyph. His battered body would no longer respond to his will. Schweimer barely managed to lift his head from the ground. It was quiet as the snow fell around the dying warrior. He looked up into the sky, watching as it wept frozen tears for his cruel fate.

"Friends applaud..." Schweimer's head fell into the snow and a peaceful look settled on his face. The snow around him slowly turned red as his blood continued to pour from his wounds. "...the comedy is over..."

"Schweimy!" A voice pierced the silence. A figure appeared in the distance. A tall man dashed through the deep snow, falling repeatedly as he attempted to reach Schweimer. "I must tell you that I...that I...!"

The man finally managed to get to Schweimer and proceeded to shake him violently.

"...I found my pet ferret! He was under my bed, living off the candy I hide under there!"

Schweimer's head rolled to the side.

"Pay attention, scum bag! I can't get the little guy out from under my bed now! Every time I look under the bed he hisses at me and tries to bite my face off"

Schweimer's eyes closed and he went limp. Duke Vox poked him.

"Hey, Schweimy? Why do my pets always turn against me? Why, Schweimer? Why!"

Duke Vox suddenly realized that Schweimer wasn't offering a ton of compliments like he usually did.

"Schweimer!"

"..."

"Concorde! Concorde! Speak to me!"

"Uh..." Schweimer sat up, looking slightly dazed. "Who's Concorde?"

"You shall not have died in vain!"

"I'm not quite dead, sir. Really. I was just a wee bit tired, is all."

"Alright. Your mortal wounding shall not be in vain!"

"I think I could pull through, sir! And what am I supposed to not be dying in vain for anyways?"

"Oh for Mackwell's sake!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in Aquios... 

"ACHOO!"

"Are you alright, sir?" a librarian asked the alchemist. Mackwell scowled.

* * *

"What's wrong sir?" Schweimer asked. 

"You did it all wrong!" Vox wailed.

"What?"

"Just, just, just zip it! Okay?"

"But I-"

"Zip it!"

"What, I-"

"Shh!"

"What did I-"

"No soup for you!"

"Tell me what I did, sir!" Schweimer screamed, his face turning purple.

"You just completely ruined that death sequence, Schweimy! That's what you did! Ooh!" Vox ran off in the other direction, swinging his arms wildly.

"He says that _I_ ruined that scene...?"

* * *

"En garde!" 

"Touche!"

"Ole!"

"Bacalao!"

"Missouri!"

"Curse you!"

Shelby and The Man Who Plays Kim were in the kitchen, engaged in a duel to the death. With baguettes. They were striking each other with baguettes. Whilst standing on top of an empty table. And fighting with baguettes.

Shelby appeared to be winning. But only because The Man Who Plays Kim kept trying to eat the baguette.

"What are you maggots doing?" Albel and Nel stared at the two men from the doorway.

"No...thing..." Shelby quickly hid the baguette behind his back.

"He started it," The Man Who Plays Kim whimpered, pointing at Shelby.

"Nuh-uh!" Shelby glared at The Man Who Plays Kim.

"Please don't kill me, Sir Albel! Kill Shelby!" The Man Who Plays Kim pleaded, tears in his eyes.

"_There's only one way out of this_," Shelby thought to himself. _"Changing the subject..."_

"So, who won the whole duel between you and the bi...witch...?" Shelby asked Albel. Albel's eyes narrowed.

"Who do you think?" Albel hissed.

"Lady Nel," The Man Who Plays Kim said immediately.

"Worm!" Albel raised his claw and took a step towards The Man Who Plays Kim.

"Aiiiieeee!" The Man Who Plays Kim dropped to the ground and curled up into the fetal position.

"So she _did_ win," Shelby snickered. Albel's face twisted in rage.

"We agreed to a tie," Nel said quietly.

"What!" Shelby blinked and The Man Who Plays Kim continued to weep like a little girl.

"Lies!" Albel yelled, turning to face Nel.

"Ha ha! Albel tied with a girl! Nyahahaha!" Shelby laughed, watching his leader squirm.

"Shut up, fool!"

"You didn't lose, Nox."

"A tie is a loss, wench!"

"But-"

"Loss! Loss!"

Shelby took the opportunity to sneak past Albel and sprint down the hall.

"It's a tie!"

"I agreed to no tie! You lose!'

"Me!"

"Yes, you failure woman!"

"I was winning before we stopped playing hand slap!"

"Bah!"

Nel took off her scarf and immediately tied it around Albel's neck before he could respond. She dove on top of him and attempted to strangle him to death. Albel howled and swung his claw wildly, trying his best to not die. The Man Who Plays Kim rubbed his eyes and watched his superiors duke it out.

"Hey you guys," The Man Who Plays Kim whispered...

"Maggot!"

"Worm!"

"Fool!"

"Wench!"

"Wench! Why are you calling me a wench, wench!"

"Because you dress like one, transvestite!"

"That's crossing the line-ARGHHH!"

"Die, you cross dressing-HRK!"

Albel kicked Nel off of him and sent her sprawling. Both warriors immediately regained their footing and eyed each other warily.

"Hey you guys," The Man Who Plays Kim tried again.

"What!" Albel snapped, still giving the Aquarian ninja the darkest look he could give.

"You're fighting like an old married couple." The Man Who Plays Kim nodded at his own comment.

There was dead silence.

And within seconds, Albel and Nel were on top of The Man Who Plays Kim, both of them killing him in their own special way. Albel strangled the poor man with his claw while Nel appeared to be casting some sort of organ explosion spell.

"Aaagghhh! Save me Opraaaaaaaaagghhhh!" The Man Who Plays Kim squirmed to get away but was overpowered by the two fighters.

"Outta the way, wench!" Albel growled, elbowing Nel in the side. Nel's spell casting was interrupted and she accidentally caused half the room to burst into flames.

"AHHH!" The Man Who Plays Kim screamed at the top of his lungs. Albel stumbled backwards, barely able to remain standing after the blast. Smoke was everywhere and Nel had disappeared.

"Dammit, Zelpher!"

The Man Who Plays Kim slowly dragged his beaten body out of the room while the others were distracted.

"You idiot," Nel screeched, stomping towards Albel, looking slightly charred.

"This is your fault, Zelpher!" Albel shouted, face turning red with rage. Nel raised her hand to smack him upside the head but he caught her wrist with his claw. Without another word, Albel proceeded to drag Nel out of the burning room, not giving her a chance to insult him.

Once they reached safety, Albel released her and glared down at her. Nel Zelpher stood before him, silently fuming.

"At a loss, wench?" Albel asked in a mocking tone.

"Judo chop!"

And Albel was on the ground, very much unconscious. Nel coughed slightly, looked around for witnesses, tied both of Albel's braids to a door handle, and went on her way.

* * *

"So, how's the beach front property working out, Tynaaaaaaaaaave?" Farleen asked. 

"Not so good. Apparently there's some crazy-ass mold and stuff growing in the house I bought," Tynave sighed.

"What, like, asbestos?"

"No, dude. Someone left a giant squirrel carcass in the living room and some kind of super intelligent mold has developed from it. Every time I walk into the house the mold screams about not being decent and calls me a pervert! I mean, what the flippin' hell! Do you know how weird it is having your house call you a pervert and stuff!"

"Yes," Farleen replied.

"Uh."

"Whooa! I just totally remembered something!" Farleen threw her hands into the air, almost knocking over the ladder Tynave was standing on. The two were busy creating a giant wooden cannon. Clair had been coming up with some great ideas and all on how to sabotage the Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe's play but she got drunk somewhere along the way, leaving Farleen and Tynave to their own devices.

"Whatcha remember?" Tynave asked, looking down.

"Whatever happened to that guy we were chasing...?"

"Huh?"

"Maaaaaaan, the guy! I hit my head while we were chasing him!"

"You hit your head a lot and stuff," Tynave whispered. "But yeah! I remember now. That guy who kisses Vox's ass all the time. He fell into a pit filled with cactuses. Or cacti. It depends on your preference. You know, like ketchup and catsup. Anyway, I assumed that he was dead and left the area, even though no one is ever really dead if you don't actually see their severed limbs thrown about the room with a few organs here and there. And stuff."

"Eeeewwwwwwww!"

"Yeah. I know." Tynave went back to building the cannon. Farleen looked up at the sky. It was a rather fine day. Arias hadn't had a calm day like this for a long time.

Anywho.

"Hey, Ty?" Farleen looked up at Tynave.

"What now?"

"How did a giant squirrel body get into your house?"

"Dunno, Menodix Mafia?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoaaaa! No way! Noooo waaaay!"

"You never know, dude."

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGHHHHH!" 

Every person in the Kirlorozorotoroloro Training Facility shuddered upon hearing scream. For a second, all were silent, wondering who was being killed this time. A few seconds later and everyone was busy slacking off again, because no one in the Black Brigade ever worked anyways.

"What's wrong?" Shelby asked, turning his head around a corner. He blinked and immediately covered his mouth with both hands. He spun around and sprinted back the way he had come, trying so hard not to burst out in laughter, for doing so would forfeit his life.

Albel Nox had woken up. He couldn't move from his spot. He was tied to the door and couldn't get the bows Nel had tied out without cutting his hair. And he knew that she was the only one in the entire Black Brigade who could tie bows that were simply impossible to remove unless she took them out herself. The question now is how Albel knew this...

"Dammit," he growled, cursing his claw. It was moments like these when he truly regretted having a clumsy claw instead of regular hand.

"ZELPHER! I'm going to KILL you!"

Nel Zelpher, on the other hand, was in Albel's room. She was sitting on his bed, grinning wickedly, busy working on her latest project. Nel finished writing her letter to Nox and placed it into an envelope. She heard Albel's scream and smiled even more.

"He's going to love this..."

* * *

"I heard that the Black Brigade has a new recruit," Shelby said. Vox stroked his chin, pondering this information. 

"New recruit, eh? He can't be that great. _That man_ only has a gang of stupid-heads working for _him_. I mean, really," Vox said. Shelby had recovered from his wounds rather quickly and was now giving Vox the weekly report on _THAT ACCURSED SKIRT BOY_.

"I'll have my sources look into it, sir. Just in case."

"I know, I'll have you send someone to look into it. Just as a preamble."

"What? A precaution? I see sir, you always come up with the greatest ideas."

"You know it, Schweimy."

* * *

If Albel Nox was a lesser man, he would have been weeping. He had taken his shirt off and put it on his head. It kind of looked like a purple turban. Anyways, Albel was free from the door now and walking to his room with as much dignity as he could muster. That's when his hellish day truly became a nightmare. 

Someone had left a letter right outside his door and he just knew it had to be from the Aquarian wench.

_Dear Nox,_

_After spending some time with the Black Brigade, I'm come to notice some very serious problems that deserve your immediate attention:_

_One is that there is no way to use the bath house without one of your little minions trying to sneak a peek. Speaking of which, I cannot be held responsible for the terrible injuries inflicted on these men as a result of their actions. _

_Two is that you've run out of Dragon-O cereal. Listen, Nox, if there's one thing you learn from this letter, it's that I need that cereal. It's like my blood. If you don't buy more, I will castrate you. Simple, no? _

_Finally, the third issue is that there are no empty rooms for me to stay in. I'm tired of kicking The Man Who Plays Kim out of his room every night. He gives me the puppy dog eyes and it's really starting to almost make me feel guilty. I suppose, really, the only empty room is the dungeon. And if you tell me to go sleep down there then you can just die. _

_To solve two of the three problems, I've decided to take your room. You have a lovely, lovely bathroom and a very nice bedroom. I didn't know that you liked strawberry scented shampoo and pink bathrobes. To compensate you for your loss, I've already moved most of your belongings down the dungeons. Considering all the skirts I had to carry, I consider this an equal trade. Good night!_

_Much Love, _

_Nel_

Albel's jaw dropped as he read the letter. He stared at the door to his room for a good ten minutes, too angry to move. Slowly, his claw went to the doorknob and turned it. The door was locked.

"BIIIIIIIITTTCHHH!" Albel exploded, pounding on the door with his fists. He began tearing at it with his claw until he had carved a decent size hole into it. Albel shoved his head through the hole, trying to get through.

"Need something?" Nel asked calmly, staring at his head from the other side of his room.

"MY ROOM!"

"Ah, I see. Didn't like the eviction, did you? Too bad, so sad. I'd suggest you leave now."

"Over my dead body!" Albel managed to squeeze his clawed arm through the door and waved it threateningly at the ninja.

"Yes, if you don't move you'll be quite right." Nel pointed above the door. Albel craned his neck to see what was above him.

"...dammit," Albel whispered before a bag of tiles crashed down on him.

"I consider that to be justice for the Bird of Prey Incident," Nel chuckled. Albel was hanging in the door, blood gushing from a wound on the head. "I should help him. But no."

Nel walked over to the broken door, shoved Albel back through the hole, and replaced the old wooden door with a new and improved steel door. How she did this is a great mystery. But it's safe to assume that Nel has some pretty darn awesome carpentry skills.

* * *

Romero and Raxa had snuck out of Airyglyph Castle's dungeons and made their way to the Black Brigade HQ. 

"Hand me the mischief bag, Raxa," Romero ordered.

"Alrighty," Raxa said, holding the bag up.

"Wait. None of the weird commmmaaaannndddeeeer stuff?"

"Nope."

"I see."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Anyways, let's get this over with," Romero muttered. He reached in the bag and pulled out a can of spray paint. A terrible smile crossed his features as he raised the can up towards the door of the Kalamazoo Training Facility.

"Done yet?" Raxa asked.

"Yes. Read it!"

"Okay. Let's see..."

"Isn't it good! I'm so sweet at this revenge stuff! And to think that you doubted me!"

"You wrote 'Albel Nox is a skirt-wearing, bird-brained, cobbler coveting nancy boy.'"

"So good. So good."

"Whatever you say commmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnddddeeeeeeeeeeeer!"

"Dammit! I thought you'd got over that phase!"

"Never!"

* * *

It's been awhile! Apologies for that, it's been a long couple of weeks. And with this chapter, Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe should officially be longer than my other story, The Dancing Elite of the Juppongatana Sisterhood. I didn't think I'd actually ever pass it. Huzzah for milestones!

Chapter Nine is ready as well but I want to finish another chapter or two before I post it. Chapter Nine is pretty schweet.

Because.

Someone.

Will.

DIE!

And there is actually going to be a plot in the next three chapters! Be afraid.

**Demon Priestess Saturn: **Oh I have nothing against Communists. I just like to make fun of certain Commies is all. And also steal this certain Commie's stuff and never return it. But, yeah, anyways, Princess Bride is one my all time favorite movies. Inigo is my favorite character in the movie too.

**Sphinx-Keeper: **Albel was only wearing pants on Pants Day. It's the day in which all his skirts are at the cleaners. And don't worry, the insanity shall indeed continue!

**dark-pheonix1: **Flying Spaghetti Monster Hilarious-ness. And the Great Crab Kraken is inspired by FSM. The teachings of the Great Crab Kraken are a mystery, as the only followers of Kraken are two big headed weak plot devices who get ignored by everyone else. It'd be sweet if you could beta for me. Just be warned that it might take awhile before I send anything. I've been too busy lately to work on my writings but I should have something ready by the end of the month. RAmen!

**Sorceress Myst: **Heh, spite the people who worked on FF7. Now it all makes sense. I really hated Ameena. This is because I hate Sophia and I'm none too fond of Aerith. I mean, Ameena even pulled an 'Aerith'! She was a clone to the end. Back when I first played FF7, there were maybe five of us sitting in my friend's basement watching Aerith's last hurrah. Then, I swear to you all, that we all began singing Ding-Dong-The-Witch-Is-Dead. I made sure to do the same with Ameena. Invader ZIM and the Angry Beavers are two of my favorite cartoons. I still watch them now and then. So funny.

**ElusiveCat: **Howdy May! I agree, the trench coat and the skirt probably don't go very well together. Also, if you search for Star Ocean manga, there are a few sites out there where you can find them. I think I have all of volume four right now. I think Nel is hilarious is the manga version. Cliff too. Also, I intend to have an update for Desifinado ready within the month. I've started working on it already. My attention span...is just...so...short.

**BlueTrillium: **I'm sorry you had such a bad day. I'm glad this could make you smile, though. And the Evil Overlord Squares taste of elderberry.And about the cereal...probably best not to think on it too much.Nel probably would shove Albel off the building. That would be funny. FFX would have been cooler if Nel and Albel were in it. They don't take no sass. Also, I'll definantly send you the Desifinado chapter when it's ready. I'm so slow. Soooo slow. And thanks so much for your art. It makes me smile every time I look at it.

**Blue Persuasion: **No plot, yes patterns. There are more recurring themes than actual plot. It would be scary if there was an Ameena army. Shudder. Real scary.

**Commie Sky: **Don't worry, amiga. I'll always send stuff to you for editing. It's always great to have someone who has no problem ripping stories to shreds.

Alright, adios and peace out. The next chapter should be up by the end of the week.


	9. Spontaneous Combustion

**The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Aquarian Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Nine: Spontaneous Combustion**

**

* * *

**"One day, I'll look back upon this day and...be filled with burning rage." 

Abel Nox set a small box in the hallway outside his room. Former room. Nel Zelpher was still inside.

"CURSE YOU WENCH!" Albel screeched, punching the wall with his claw again. There were a several dozen violent looking scratches covering the wall with a few holes here and there.

"What's wrong with him?" The Man Who Plays Kim whispered, glancing around the corner to spy on his commander. Shelby shrugged.

"Violent mood swing, I suppose. He gets the now and then. Kind of annoying." Shelby turned to leave, getting bored of Albel throwing a seven hour hissy fit.

"You mean like PMS?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked.

"..." Shelby stopped moving, his eyes widened.

"I mean, he does get really moody."

"Uh...huh..." Shelby bit his lips, trying not to laugh, afraid that Albel would hear and make him die.

"It must be PMS."

"Sh-shut up! Quiet!"

"Why? Wait! What if he's not feeling well?"

"What do you mean? He looked normal to me."

"You know. Maybe he has a tummy ache. Or maybe it's his ovaries...yeah."

Shelby gave in, he fell to the floor, laughing in a high, girly voice.

"What's so funny, worms?" A psychotic looking Albel Nox stared down at The Man Who Plays Kim and deranged Shelby.

"We're going to die," Shelby shrieked.

* * *

"So, how's the project going?" Clair asked. Tynave's eyes bulged and she whirled around to face Clair. Farleen wasn't around. 

"U-uh, good. And stuff. Yeah. And stuff, defiantly and stuff."

"I see." Clair's eyes narrowed. "There hasn't been any tomfoolery whilst I was away."

"What?"

"You hooligans haven't been up to some crazy hijinks and shenanigans have you?"

"You speak with words that make me confused!" Tynave rubbed her head.

"You didn't do something stupid, did you?"

"..."

"Tynaaaaave," Clair said, her voice becoming a crescendo.

"...stuff..."

"Tyyyyyyyyynaaaaaaaaave..."

"...and..."

"Pay cut."

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT SHE'S DEAD!"

"Wait, what?" Clair raised one eyebrow.

"We were making a giant wooden cannon, you see," Tynave whispered, tears building up in her eyes. "Then suddenly, out of nowhere, this freakin' crab attacked us. Farleen hid under the cannon and I fought the crab. Eventually it got bored, but before it left, it kicked the cannon and it fell on top of Farleen! I tried to save her! I did! But I really, really wanted Farleen's salary...and uhm...yeah..."

Clair was silent.

Tynave whimpered.

Clair closed her eyes.

Tynave started to weep.

A pool of blood was forming underneath the cannon.

"So you killed ANOTHER one of your partners!"

"It's not my fault!" Tynave cried.

"After killing the last three, I warned you. I _warned_ you!"

"I didn't try to kill one this time, though! It just happened!"

"Major pay cut, Ty. Major pay cut."

"Dammit!"

"Oh well, we might as well bury her now."

"So you're not really that mad that Farleen died?"

"Not really, all you subordinates are more or less cannon fodder."

"Literally!"

And Clair and Tynave had themselves a good laugh. (I consider that to be one of the most appropriate lines I've ever written.)

* * *

With Shelby and The Man Who Plays Kim safely tucked away in one of the dungeons, Albel was free to complete his plan. He had piled several boxes of dynamite outside of his old room. He held up a match to his face, a dangerous glint in his crimson eyes. 

"No lowly wench makes a fool out of Albel Nox! Now burn!"

Albel let out a wicked laugh as he lit the fuse. Which began to burn much faster than he thought it would. Albel let out a small squeak in horror and turned to sprint away. He didn't make it two steps before the entire section of the building erupted in a violent explosion...

* * *

Meanwhile, Nel Zelpher was skipping through a beautiful field filled with wild flowers. She leaned over, plucked a rosy hollyhock from the ground, and held it up, silhouetting it against the azure sky. A small laugh escaped the woman's lips and she let herself fall backwards into the ocean of color. She gazed up into the blue and traced the clouds with one finger. Nel sighed and brushed a stray strand of hair from her face. 

"I wonder what Albel is up to..."

* * *

"Good day, dear," Arzei giggled. Vox stared at Airyglyph's king in horror. The man was wearing HIS eyeshadow. It almost killed Vox to remain silent. 

"Hello. My. Liege."

"Ooookay, letsee here. Okay, dear, I have new orders for you. Apparently those girlies from Aquaria are putting up quite the fight. I'd like for you to go conquer them AND SPILL THEIR BLOOD! RAAAAAAAAAARRGHGHGHGHG!"

King Arzei fell to the ground, foaming at the mouth. A nearby guard whipped out a needle labeled '_for use in event of craz-ee_' and plunged it into the king's arm. Arzei twitched for a minute or two and then returned to his seat on the throne.

"Yes. As I was saying, it'd be quite lovely if we could finish off those little buggers some time before I die. You understand, dear?" Arzei said, smiling serenely, as if nothing had happened. The guard returned to his post, seemingly unperturbed. Vox blinked a few times and shook his head.

"Uh, yesh? I'll send the orders to the other brigades immediately, sire." Vox spun on his heels and prepared to leave.

"Oh nooo, dear. I want you and the Dragon Brigade to go! AND FEAST UPON THE FLESH OF OUR ENEMIES! RRRRAAAARHHGHGHHRHGHGHAAAAAAALLLLLLPACAS!"

Vox jumped over the railing at the end of the throne room and fell to the floor below. He scrambled to exit the building.

"KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLL! BUUUUUUUUUUURRRRNNN! NOOOOORRRRWAAAAY! I'll GET YOU NEXT MISSOURI!"

* * *

Nel was still daydreaming in the middle of the meadow. She heard footsteps approaching and opened one eye lazily. 

A tall creature toweredover her.

It was a bear.

With a knife.

Nel was immediately on her feet, her eyes bulging and her mouth hanging open.

The bear with a knife ran after her and Nel couldn't help but retreat in terror.

For there is nothing more frightening than a bear with a knife...

* * *

"He didn't even notice my revenge! He didn't even NOTICE." 

Romero was curled up in a ball weeping like a child who had just fallen off the bleachers at the baseball fields and landed on his face. Not that I have any experience on that subject...

What was I talking about?

Oh yes.

"Maybe you need some counseling, commander," Raxa suggested. "Group therapy does wonders, you know."

"Yes, Raxa." Romero looked up, his eyes puffy and red. "Perhaps I will seek out this so-called 'counseling.'"

* * *

Albel Nox was lying on his back in the middle of the newly formed Koala Training Facility ruins. His empty eyes stared up at the darkening sky. Blood ran down his face from various wounds and he did not move. All was silent as splashes of orange appeared in the sky, followed by violet. The sun gave way to night and only the stars remained above Albel. 

"Looks like you've been busy," a feminine voice laughed. Albel scowled.

"Shut up," he hissed. Nel Zelpher leaned over him, giving him a look of mock pity. Albel raised his head slightly was unable to keep it up. He groaned slightly.

"Need a little help?" Nel asked. Albel glared at her.

"Fine," Albel muttered.

"Only if you give me your sword first. I don't want you attacking me or anything."

Albel cursed rather loudly but gave in. He struggled to pull the sword from its sheath and let Nel take the sword from his hand. She set it to the side away from Albel and then held her hand out. Albel slowly reached up to take her hand. She helped pull him up from the rubble. He stood in front of her, his shaggy hair hiding the annoyance on his face.

Suddenly, Albel reached for the empty sheath and swung it a Nel's head.

"Fu-" The sheath smacked right into her head and Nel was out cold. Albel hopped past her and went to reclaim his sword. He returned the blade to its sheath and stared down at the Aquarian ninja.

"Well, that was easy."

* * *

"So that's the plan," Vox said. 

"It's genius, sir," Schweimer responded.

"Arzei will never know the difference anyways. Let's be off then. To the Krazilynamed Training Facility! Not only will we deliver the orders, we'll be able to spy on _him_ as well!"

"It's actually a good plan for once," Schweimer whispered. "We're all going to die. The end is come! Is come! Is come!"

"Stop blabbering, scumbucket!"

* * *

"So what's your name?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked. Shelby stood next to him. 

"Uh, he said my name was Foxxy Love."

"You mean Shelby? Nahhh, it ain't Foxxy Love." The Man Who Plays Kim elbowed Shelby, who just sort of squeaked.

"Shelby? Isn't that a girl's name?" Nel asked. Shelby scowled. The Man Who Plays Kim nodded.

"But he told me his name was Lorenzo. And if that's not my name, could you tell me what it really is?" Nel waited for The Man Who Plays Kim to respond. The Man Who Plays Kim flashed a noble smile and attempted to look dramatic. It actually worked for once.

"Certainly. Your name is really Madame Wilhelmina McAwesome. I swear. For real. And my real name is Chadralph. Or Chadrolf. It depends on my mood and how sober I am. Usually the latter."

Shelby rolled his eyes.

"Uh..."

"Get back to work, worms," Albel growled, sending The Man Who Plays Kim and Shelby running from the room. The Black Brigade was currently rebuilding the pars of their HQ that had been blown to smithereens courtesy of Albel the Wicked's rage. Albel was in one of the meeting rooms that hadn't been damaged from the blast.

"Wilhelmina, huh? That doesn't sound right."

"That's because it's not," Albel snapped. Nel looked up at Albel, a confused expression on her face. Albel's right eye twitched. "Er..."

"Tell me then," she begged, tears forming in her eyes. Albel sighed and sat down next to Nel at a long table.

"Listen, woman. You have amnesia," Albel explained. Nel nodded. "Your real name is Josefina-hrk!" Albel fell over backwards, clutching his chest as if something had pierced his heart, set it on fire, and shoved it into a rabid coyote infested room.

"Are you alright?" Nel asked, worry in her voice.

"I'm fine, dammit!" Albel gasped, climbing back up into his chair. "As I was saying, your name is Josefiyaaargh!" Albel slammed his head into the wooden table, sending a few splinters flying.

"What's wrong with you!" Nel almost yelled, starting to get freaked out.

Albel raised his head from the table, new scratches all over his face.

"Your name is Josaaaaaiiieee!"

Albel smacked his face with his own claw. He sat in a daze for a few minuted before coming to a conclusion. "I can't be mean to her," Albel whispered to himself in shock. Nel raised an eyebrow, thinking that he had gone insane.

"Argh, alright. Your name is Nel Zelpher," Albel muttered, wiping blood from his forehead.

"Nel Zelpher...?"

"Correct. And I'm Albel Nox."

Nel smiled slightly. "It's nice to meet you, Albel."

Albel smirked, amused by these turn of events. "Likewise..."

A pause.

"Nel."

* * *

So Nel has amnesia, Albel has to be nice to her, Farleen is dead, Vox is coming for a visit, and Romero will be getting the mental help he desperately needs. 

And to top it all off, Insert Name Here must get married! And who must Insert Name Here marry, anyways? Based on the randomness of the rest of the story, how could you possibly guess what I'm talking about!

Goodness gracious.

**Blue Persuasion: **Looks like you caught my little hint. Yeah, the Menodix Mafia and Roger will show up eventually. But I shall reveal nothing else! Hoo-haa! Oh, imagine Nel judo-chopping everyone when they annoyed her. That would'vebeen funny. And I'm using the Romero counseling idea pretty soon. I was waiting for the perfect moment and it has finally come.

**RequiemReaper:**Haha, I should be proud then.I'm glad you really think this story is funny. The coke went to a good cause! Humor shall save the world, I tells ya!

**Demon Priestess Saturn: **Muchos gracias and here's zee update.

**The Crazy Authoresses CAT and AMS: **Yes it's plot and I'm scared too. And thank you very much for the anniversary cake. Mmm...cake...delicious...

**BlueTrillium: **Once again, someone caught one of my future chapter ideas. I have no idea when I'll use it though, I already have a dozen good chapter plots to go through. Oh, and thanks for catching the name mishap. I didn't edit chapters 8 or 9 too well. Were you surprised that I decided to kill off Farleen? I have a very good reason for choosing her, though.

**dark-pheonix1: **Now you see, I can't possibly get away with the crazyness in Krogers. I know about half of the high school folk who work there. It's a curse. Especially since they won't buy me anything. Ahh, well. Glad you liked the chapter!

Peace out.


	10. Marry Me

**The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Aquarian Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Nine: Marry Me****

* * *

**

"SWEET MOTHER OF MEATBALLS!"

Tynave and Clair were cornered. The monster that had been chasing them for the last couple of hours slowly stomped towards them, growling softly.

"What should we do!" Clair asked.

"Don't ask me! You're the commander!"

"You idiot! I only got through officer's school by cheating off of Nel. Some buffoon actually though that I was as competent as her and put me in charge! The truth is that I'm a complete moron and I only use my power to force minions to carve wooden shoes out of trees all day long!"

"YOU TOLD ME THE SHOE MAKING WAS FOR THE ORPHANS AND THAT APRIS WOULD GIVE ME FIFTY FOL IF I DID IT!"

"I _lied_!"

Tynave fell to her knees and cried.

* * *

"You'd best stay away from Albel," Shelby whispered to Nel. "He's a cannibal, you see." 

"Really now..." Nel muttered. She was getting tired of being hassled by various Black Brigade soldiers.

"He wears skirts, make-up, and wants to kiss alllll the boys!" Shelby laughed,growing bolder by the minute. That's when The Man Who Plays Kim decided to crush his skull in with a mallet.

"Piss off, dumbass! She's mine! Mine I say!" The Man Who Plays Kim screeched. Nel's eyes widened.

"Wait. What?"

"You're my wife! Of course you don't remember, you have amnesia!" The Man Who Plays Kim grinned and took Nel's hands in his."You love me very, very much and I'm sure you'll remember that one day!"

"Liar!" Shelby slammed a fist into the back of The Man Who Plays Kim's head. He fell over, twitching slightly. "I am your husband, Nel!"

"WHAT!" The Man Who Plays Kim shrieked. "But you hate her!"

"That was before when she beat me up! But Nel could not resist my manly charms and-"

"Manly my foot! You're more feminine than Albel!" The Man Who Plays Kim scrambled to his feet and attempted to look threatening. He failed. Instead he looked to be constipated.

"What's going on?" Nel asked in a small voice. Albel was sitting next to her at a table in the remains of the cafeteria. His eyes had rolled to the back of his head and he was snoring.

"I cook up rocks today!" The Killer Chef giggled. A soldier held a small rock in his palm, regarding it warily.

"I do not think that you cooked this here rock all the way through," the man began, poking the rock with a fork.

"I STAB YOU IN FACE!" The Killer Chef stabbed the soldier in the face. All the other soldiers let out a collective squeal of terror. "WHO ELSE QUESTION MY COOKERY! I CUT YOU UP GOOD!"

No one said a word.

"NEL IS MINE!" Shelby yelled, kicking The Man Who Plays Kim in the ribs.

"Arggh! No, mine!" The Man Who Plays Kim bit Shelby's foot. Shelby hopped back, holding onto his injured foot, howling with rage.

"SHUT UP WORMS!" Albel roared, his head snapping up. His eyes were bloodshot and he was wearing a top hat. For...reasons.

"Albel, sir! Shelby has been calling you a woman again!"

"Tattler!" Shelby hissed. The Man Who Plays Kim stuck out his tongue.

"Whatever! Albel IS a woman!"

Albel's eyes narrowed. And they seemed to glow. Which was scary. Shelby felt a bead of sweat roll down his face.

"Want to say that again, maggot?"

"A-at least I have a woman, right Nel!" Shelby shot Nel a pleading look.

"Uh." Nel glanced side to side. "Don't look at me."

"Nellie is my beloved! Not yours!" The Man Who Plays Kim dove on top of Shelby and the two clawed at each other while screaming various profanities.

Now then, it might have been because of the lack of sleep, the fact the he wasn't completely sober, and the fact that he really wanted the two fighters to shut up that caused Albel Nox to do what he did next...

"Shut up, fools! She's mine, got it?" Albel collapsed back into his chair and curled up into a ball.

Jaws dropped and every single person in the room stared at their captain.Shelby and The Man Who Plays Kim stopped fighting and looked at Albel in disbelief. Nel looked even more confused, but at least the two men had stopped trying to kill each other.

"Wait," Albel whispered, opening his eyes. "Did I just...?"

Everyone nodded in unison.

"...SHIT!"

* * *

Tynave and Clair had managed to escape the their enemy once again. They stood just outside of Arias, bent over with their hands on their knees, desperately trying to catch their breath. 

"We can't get away from it," Clair gasped.

"This is your fault!" Tynave pointed an accusing finger at the Crimson Blade.

"Me! I didn't kill her!"

"That has nothing to..."

"What's wrong! Too high to come up with a good response?"

Tynave shook her head, whimpering slightly.

"She's behind me, isn't she?" Clair asked.

"Y-y-y-y-yes."

Farleen let out an inhuman cry and swung a hatchet at Clair's head. Clair managed to evade it and sprinted off in the direction of Kirlsa.

"W-w-wait for me and stuff!" Tynave shouted, quickly following behind her commander. Farleen trudged after them, grunting and growling.

* * *

"I want to die," Albel whined. 

"Well at least they're leaving me alone now," Nel sighed.

"Bah, they'll leave you in peace now but I'll never hear the end of this one."

"Why don't you just kill them? You seem to be the kind of guy to do that..."

Albel glared at Nel. "You think so, Zelpher?"

"Well, maybe," Nel replied, tilting her head to the side. "But you don't seem like a bad person. In fact, you've been the nicest to me out of everyone here."

"Bah," Albel bah'd again. Nel's lips curved into a small smile.

"At least you're not bad looking."

Albel began to choke, his face turning red. From embarrassment or lack of oxygen, we shall never know.

"I was just kidding! Don't die, Albel!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaawwww!" A whiney voice said.

"NO!" Albel screamed, throwing himself into a nearby closet. Nel blinked and turned to face the newcomer.

"Having a lover's quarrel, I see," the man said in a high, nasal voice. "I heard the news that Albel Nox was engaged and just had to see if it was true."

"I'm not entirely sure myself," Nel admitted. "What's your name by the way?"

"You ask for my name, my fair lady? I shall tell you! I am Steve the Spectacular!"

"Well that's interesting."

"I can see why even Albel the Wicked fancies you! You are by far the most beautiful woman in all the world."

"Thanks. I guess."

Steve nodded and sat down next to Nel. Also, just in case you were wondering, Shelby and The Man Who Plays Kim were still in the same spot, frozen in shock.

"What's wrong with those two?" Steve inquired, poking Shelby in the head.

"Many things, I've gathered. Now then, would you mind leaving me alone?"

"Let me just say something first. One million polar bears!"

"Huh?" Nel gave Steve an annoyed look.

"At least that broke the ice! Teehee! So, want to make out? Eh, eh?" Steve wagged his eyebrows and licked his lips.

That's when Albel came out of the closet, Shelby jumped to his feet, and The Man Who Plays Kim sneezed.

"DIE!" the three men yelled in unison, all of them diving upon Steve. They then proceeded to beat the utter crap out of Steve. A few hours later and a badly bruised Steve crawled back to Kirlsa, weeping for his cruel fate.

"Alright, that's done with," The Man Who Says Kim chuckled, clapping his hands.

"Yes." Albel glanced at Shelby. "So you like Nel?"

Shelby coughed. "When's the wedding?"

Albel scowled. "Touché...maggot."

* * *

Clair and Tynave shoved the Kirlsa guards out of the way and bolted past the gates. The bewildered guards shook their heads and appeared to be rather baffled. 

"Should we sound the alarm?" the first guard asked.

"Nah."

A few minutes passed and they saw a purple haired figure coming towards them.

Several more minutes flew by.

The figure was somewhat closer.

Even more time.

Kind of closer.

More time.

Closer.

"I grow weary of this," the first guard sighed.

"MRAAARRHHRR!" The zombie tackled the first guard and ripped out his throat with its teeth. The villainous creature threw back its head, blood dripping from its mouth

"OMIAPRIS you killed Keeeeaaargh!"

The zombie devoured the other guard.

"Ugghh," the creature moaned, turning in the direction the two Aquarian ninjas had gone in. "Aaaallllpppppaaaaccaaargghhs..."

* * *

"This has been an incredible embarrassing day," Albel muttered, resting his head on his real hand. 

"Yeah," Shelby agreed. "For you."

"Shut up. You admitted your undying love for an Aquarian wench," Albel spat.

"So did you!" The Man Who Plays Kim pointed a finger at Albel. Albel slammed both fists down on to the table the three men were sitting at. Nel had wandered off some time ago.

"No I didn't!" Albel replied, narrowing his eyes.

"It was implied," Shelby said.

"No! I was drunk. Hell, I'm still drunk." Albel reached under his top hat (which he was still sporting a top his head by the way) and pulled out a small canteen. "Lovely liquor!" He drained it in one gulp.

"That's the third one, Albel. How many ya got underneath that hat?" The Man Who Plays Kim raised his hand to look under the hat. Albel smacked his hand with the claw.

"Touch my hat and I will break you." Simple. Effective. Terrifying. The Man Who Plays Kim cowered.

"You announced to the whole brigade that Nel was 'yours'."

"No I didn't, worm!"

"Yes you did! I heard you!"

Albel threw the canteen to the ground and it shattered into pieces. He drew his sword from its sheath and held it in front of him. "I will end your life!"

"Dammit, Nox! You've threatened me before but you're all talk!"

"Oh, we'll see about that." Albel voice lowered and a hint of a smile crossed his features.

"You're trying to cover up the fact that you love Nel!"

"YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES!"

"AAAAAARGGHHH! MY FALLOPIAN TUBES!"

* * *

"Open up! Open! Up!" Tynave pounded on the Storm Brigade HQ's door. Clair watched the gate nervously, hoping the monster would come through it. 

"Wot d'ya damn kids want?" Woltar barked as he swung the door open.

"We're in trouble! We need help! Please!" Clair pleaded.

"Yer the enemy. And yer damn kids."

"Curses," Tynave said to herself. "I thought his senility would prevent him from remembering the whole Airyglyph vs. Aquaria thing."

"I can still hear ya," Woltar muttered.

"Forgive her, Lord Woltar. She's a druggie. Anyways, you see, sir, there's this zombie after us and-"

"A _zombie?_ Egads! Get inside, quickly!"

The two Aquarians shrugged and went inside. Woltar slammed the door shut and quickly bolted it. He whirled around, showing surprising speed for an old man.

"Even mah hose won't save me now," Woltar mumbled, throwing the 'get the damn kids off my lawn' hose to the side. "It's time for me to get mah zombie brain splatterer."

"Sounds wicked awesome," Tynave whispered.

Clair smacked Tynave in the head. "None of that!"

"Sooorry, dude." Tynave rubbed her head

"I found et!" Woltar held up a shotgun over his head and shoved a fur cap onto his head. "I'm goin' hunting. If I dunt come back, pester Albel for me. And tell Nel Zelpher how her father really died."

"You mean you killed her father!" Clair gasped.

"No, durnit! This is how et all went down, y'see..." Woltar began.

"Ooooh, nice segue," Tynave complimented.

"Shut up, damn kid!"

"EEP and stuff!"

* * *

_Some time ago...maybe..._

_The extremely noble Nevelle J. Zelpher was in Kirlsa because of some business trip. And by business I do mean Elicoorian Spring Break. Nevelle and Glou Nox had a jolly old weekend setting fires and drinking (a lot), reliving their glorious old college days. Nevelle, Glou, and a young Albel were heading back to the Nox estate from the pharmacy after buying some painkillers for their horrendous headaches. _

"_So, Glou. I see your son has acquired the Nox skirt fetish as well," Nevelle noted, staring at the girly looking Albel Nox as he skipped around humming to himself, skirt flapping in the wind._

"_It's a Nox tradition," Glou replied, eyes closed._

"_You know, when I first got here, I thought your boy was really a girl. What with the long hair and all," Nevelle said._

"_Most of the Nox men have worn their hair long," Glou answered, his voice barely a whisper. _

"_What's that, Glou? Hey, you know, I'm still not convinced the little bugger's a boy." Nevelle grinned as Glou Nox's normally straight face began to twitch._

"_Hello Mister Zelpher!" Albel squeaked, halting to a stop in front of Nevelle. "I picked you a bouquet of pretty flowers!" _

"_They're lovely. You're a very nice little girl, Albel."_

"_Daddy! He's the fourth person to call me little girl today!" Albel turned to his father. "Am I a girl, Daddy?"_

"_Apris dammit, Nevelle!" Glou hissed. "Go back to Arias, you ass. Come on Albel, we're going to beat the humanity out of you!" Glou took Albel by the arm and began to drag him towards the mountains._

"_Will there be ponies, Daddy?"_

"_No, son."_

"_Pretty flowers?"_

"_No!"_

"_Can I wear ribbons in my hair? The neighbor girl said I would look as pretty as her if I used ribbons. I like the pink ones."_

"_NO MORE TALKING, ALBEL."_

"_Father like son," Nevelle Zelpher laughed.

* * *

_

"I don't see how this has anything to do with how Sir Zelpher died," Clair groaned.

"I forgot wot I was doing," Woltar said, blinking.

"Zombie killing."

"Yesh!" Woltar dove out a window, sending glass flying.

"He's deranged," Clair whispered.

"Aren't we all?" Tynave asked.

"More or less."

* * *

"Where's Nel?" Shelby finally asked. Albel, The Man Who Plays Kim, and Shelby had eventually agreed to a cease fire and were currently hammering out the details for a potential treaty. 

"Who cares, fool?" Albel leaned back in his chair.

"Lady Nel is very important to the peace making process," The Man Who Plays Kim shouted.

"Yes, we have to figure out who gets to marry Nel." Shelby nodded. Albel scowled.

"Who said anything about marriage?" the Black Brigade captain growled.

"Ooooh, jealous," Shelby chuckled. Albel raised his claw and stood up, preparing to kill.

"Stop!" The Man Who Plays Kim yelled. "Article XVII, Section IV says no taunting and Section V of the same article strictly forbids maiming!"

Albel grumbled and slowly sat back in his chair, a dark look settling on his face. Shelby smirked in triumph.

"Well, I guess it's between you and me, Shelby," The Man Who Plays Kim began.

"Yeah, seeing how Albel doesn't care about Nel," Shelby finished. Both men cast their eyes towards their commander.

"Why would I care about an Aquarian wench!" Albel glared at the two and then turned so they couldn't see his face.

"So you'll let one of us marry her?" Shelby asked.

"..."

"What was that, Sir Albel?" The Man Who Plays Kim raised an eyebrow.

"...No!"

"So you do love her!" Shelby realized, throwing his hands in the air.

"NO! I JUST WANT TO BE CONTRARY! FREAKIN' DIE MAGGOTS!"

"Uh, hello." Nel stood in the doorway, waving her hand slightly. All the men in the room stopped moving. But it was funny how Albel froze because he had already begun to strangle Shelby. The look on Shelby's face truly captured his terror. It was funny indeed.

"Need something?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked cheerfully. "Like me?"

Shelby and Albel's fists collided with The Man Who Plays Kim's face. He was most defiantly down for the count.

Albel turned to face Nel as though nothing had happened. "What do you want, wennnchhh...nnghhh, dammit! Nel!"

Nel shrugged. "There's just some weird guy at the door. Even though we haven't replaced the door yet. This guy doesn't seem to understand that, though...he keeps knocking. I don't know how, but he's knocking on a door that doesn't exist."

"Only one maggot could be stupid enough to knock on nothing. Duchess Vox."

"Dammit! Schweimer is probably with him. I hate Schweimer. He picks on me because my name is girly."

"Shelby. Your name_is_ girly. But whatever. I have to go kill Vox now." Albel rose to his feet and headed towards the exit. Nel shrugged again and followed Albel. Shelby had a pity party.

"Why is he a duchess?" Nel asked. "That idiot out there is clearly a man."

"Long story. Don't feel like explaining. Wait." Albel suddenly stopped moving and Nel almost ran into him.

"What is it?" Nel looked around Albel in alarm to see if one of those alligators had escaped from the fallout shelter again.

"No one knows that you joined the Black Brigade," Albel said slowly.

"I did?"

"Yes! But if Vox finds out who you are, I'll be thrown in prison for betraying Airyglyph. Again."

"Again? Is this normal for you?"

"Very much so. Vox has a sadistic streak in him, you see."

"And you're a bit of a masochist, then?" Nel smiled slightly and tilted her head so her indestructible scarf hid her amusement.

"More or less," Albel muttered. Nel's amusement was replaced by surprise.

"If I joined your side why is it a problem?" Nel inquired, choosing to ignore Albel's previous comment. OH HOW I LOVE THAT WORD. Inquired. Haha.

"Because yellow."

"Huh?"

"Listen, Nel, that answer got me through my Intro to Physics class. Do not question my most perfect answer!"

"And if I do?" Nel stepped in front of Albel with her hands on her hips, defiance in her eyes.

"I'll LOOK at you." Albel couldn't bring himself to threaten her physically. But staring people down was almost as good. So he stared her down. After a minute of two of this, Nel's eye began to twitch and she shook her head.

"Okay, you win."

"But I shall explain my logic anyways!" Albel announced.

"Then what was the point of all that?"

"For kicks! Listen, all orders for Glyphian soldiers said to kill Nel Zelpher on sight and steal her scarf. I defied orders and let you live."

"My scarf? Why the scarf?"

"Arzei thinks it's the key to Aquaria's power."

"...Are you serious?"

"If only I wasn't. Our king is a buffoon. But he has very excellent taste in music."

"Interesting. So what do I do until this Duchess Vox person leaves?"

"Put on an apron and tie your scarf around your head. No one will ever know it's you."

"Alright," Nel sighed. "Just don't die."

"Vox is no match for me," Albel hissed, clenching his fists.

"I guessed as much. I'm just worried that you'll get carried away and fall down the stairs."

"I do not fall down stairs!" But before he could say anything else, Albel felt Nel wrap her arms around him. Albel probably would have fainted but Nel quickly stepped away and headed off to the kitchen. Albel's face was red. But it was more of a maroon tint, really.

"I knew it!" Shelby yelled from his hiding place behind a curtain. Albel gave Shelby the darkest look he had ever given. Shelby fell over gripping his throat, choking violently. But Albel was too confused to realize he had the ability to kill people with his eyes. He stumbled towards the stairs, remembering that he had to meet Vox.

And he promptly fell down the stairs, landing with a loud thud.

* * *

Inigo Montoyota was busy being sacrificed to the crazy Menodix gods. 

"Nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck!" the squirrel folk nyuck'd, dancing around the pot Inigo was slowly being cooked in.

"Uh oh, smells like a random view point change," one squirrel said.

"I do not!" Inigo snapped.

"Better add some more Al/Nel," one squirrel suggested.

"How 'bout some Roger/Nel?" Roger asked.

"No, you dumbass!" Everyone smacked Roger in the head.

* * *

"ALBEL NOX!" Duchess Vox screeched, stomping towards the dazed Black Brigade captain. 

"Wah?" Albel blinked and stared at Vox. He shook his head a few times. "What the hell do you want, woman!"

"I am not a woman! I grow weary of that joke!"

"It's not a joke! It's a fact!" Albel growled.

The Black Brigade and Schweimer let out an oooooooooooooooohhh.

"Traitor," Vox spat, glaring at Schweimer. Schweimer whimpered.

"Get to the point, Vox," Albel said, folding his arms. "I don't have time to waste with maggots like you."

"I heard that you were getting married," Vox whispered harshly.

"WHAT!" Albel's jaw literally crashed to the floor. He fell over in the process.

"Old Man Woltar told me it was so. Old Man Woltar knows all. So when's the wedding?"

"There is no wedding! I'm not marrying anyone!" Albel roared, rising to his feet.

"Oh but you'd better," Vox chuckled. "King Arzei already bought you a wedding gift."

"No gift receipt?" Albel asked in a quiet voice.

"No gift receipt." Vox looked rather smug.

"Dammit! What now!"

"You'll have to get married. Or else Arzei will have a useless gift. And he will cry, Nox. He'll cry. You don't want him to cry, do you? He's beenlooking forward to your wedding oh so much!" Vox's voice cracked when he said 'oh so much'. Everyone gave his a strange look. "What?"

"Gah," Albel grunted. There was no way out of it. Once Arzei bought a gift for an event, that event could never be cancelled. Never. And if the person ever returned it, they were subjected to the most horrible torture. Being forced to listen to Arzei cry like a little girl. But who would he have to marry...?

"Where's the wife, Nox?" Vox glanced around the area, looking annoyed. "If I don't see a wife, I'll have to tell Arzei that there's no wedding..."

"NO!" Albel gasped. "Uh, hold on. I'll go get her...!"

Albel sprinted back up the stairs and burst into the kitchen.

"Nel! I need a favor...what are you doing?"

Nel stood over the dead body over a Black Brigade soldier, blood on her bewildered face.

"He pinned me to the wall and tried to kiss me. I didn't want to kill him! It was like my instincts kicked in or something! I swear I didn't mean to hurt him! I'm a pacifist!"

Albel grinned wickedly as a lovely idea entered his head. "I'll overlook this on one condition, Nel..."

"What?" Nel stared at Albel, eyes wide and frightened. Albel fell to one knee and then...

"Marry me, Nel!"

* * *

Because yellow really could get you through my Intro to Physics class. I am for the serious.

So, Albel asks Nel to marry him (like he should!). A little bit too obvious, eh? Just remember, things never make sense in the Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe!

This was a hard chapter to finish since my concentration has been terrible...but writing has always been a pretty good outlet for me.

I know it sounds like typical teenage drama to say it, but this truly has been the worst week of my life and I've had to grow up more because of it.

And I still have tests tomorrow (bloody hell!) and no time left right now. I decided to upload this chapter since it was ready but unfortunately I really don't have enough time to respond to reviews. My apologies for that.

To make it up to y'all, I'll make the next update a double one.

Thank you all very much for supporting this story! Thank you.

Peace out for now.


	11. Oh, My Love, You Came To Me

**The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Aquarian Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Eleven: Oh, My Love, You Came To Me **

**

* * *

**Vox stood down in the remains of the front hall, tapping his foot impatiently. "Where is that feminine dirtbag, anyways?" 

"I'm right here, fool," Albel said, standing at the top of the staircase, glaring down upon Vox and Schweimer.

"Where's the woman, Nox? Or do you not swing-"

"Maggot! My 'wife-to-be' can't be with me right now...she's ill."

"Oh yeah?" Vox asked in a sickeningly sweet voice. "I'll just have to tell the King that."

"NO!" Albel screamed, throwing both hands into the air. "Bah, come up here, you idiot. I'll prove to you that she's just sick!"

Vox pranced up the stairs, leaving Schweimer to his own devices. Albel trudged towards the kitchen, Vox following closely behind.

"The kitchen? What's going on here, Nox?"

"Hold on, maggot." Albel shoved the door open and Vox recoiled in horror. Nel Zelpher was currently lying a pool of blood. A trail of blood led to a nearby oven and a leg could be seen sticking out of it. "See! Told you!"

"What happened...here?" Vox asked, slightly afraid for his life.

"My fiancee had a cooking incident."

"I thought you said she was sick. And why is there a leg sticking out of that oven?"

"Oh, that?" Albel ran over to the oven, opened the door slightly, shoved the leg in, slammed the door shut, and leaned against it. "That's...nothing."

"You're hiding something!" Vox's eyes narrowed. "And that woman there looks sort of familiar. And that scarf. And the Aquarian Ninja outfit. And the red hair."

"She's from Latvia."

"Oh. That makes sense. What's her name?"

"...Nelia Maria Guadalupe Lorenzo the Ninth!"

"Hmmm," Vox was still suspicious. Albel was running out of ideas. He glanced towards Nel. When he asked if she would marry him, she blushed and looked confused as hell. Thankfully, after a few seconds of shock, she had smiled slightly and was about to answer...but then she slipped on the blood and fell over. Albel was then on his own and had to hide the body of that insignificant guy she stabbed.

"Ugh," Nel groaned, beginning to wake up. "W-what the hell."

"She's awake!" Nox and Vox gasped at the same time. Haha, rhyming!

"I think I hit my head," Nel said softly, holding her hand to her forehead. She then realized that she was being watched. Before she could yell profanities, Albel knelt by her side and took her in his arms.

"I'm so glad that you're feeling better, Nelia!" Albel said loudly so Vox could hear.

"Bloody hell, get off me Nox!" Nel blushed a bit and struggled to free herself. Albel's arms only tightened around her. He leaned in closer and whispered something into her ear. Nel paused for a moment and then nodded.

"Hello, Duchess Vox." Nel smiled, turning her head towards Vox.

"Erm, hello, Lady Nox." Vox waved slightly and even allowed the 'Duchess' comment to slide. Nel's right eye twitched. "I suppose I was wrong, skirt-boy. I thought this whole marriage thing was a complete lie."

"Well you were wrong again. Now get the hell out," Albel growled, standing up and pulling Nel with him.

An evil grin spread across Vox's face. "Oh but you see, Arzei is coming in a few hours. We already decided to have the wedding today. Arzei is a certified priest, you know."

"W-what! What denomination!" Albel demanded. Nel turned pale and she quickly looked for an escape.

"Church of the Beloved Pink Bunny," Vox replied. "So, ready to get hitched?"

"Ninja Vanish!" Nel shouted, disappearing in a thick cloud of smoke. Albel jumped back, holding his hand over his mouth. The smoke began to clear and Albel sprinted past Vox into the hallway, just in time to see a familiar scarf vanish around a corner.

"Wait!" Albel shouted, taking off in pursuit. Vox shrugged and walked over towards the oven.

"Let's see what they're cooking up," Vox began. He pulled open the oven door and a dead body tumbled out of it. "Schweet Momma Hoffa! They've resorted to cannibalism!"

* * *

"This looks like the end, Tynave," Clair whispered. The two Aquarian maidens stood at the edge of a seaside cliff, the zombie Farleen inching towards them. 

"And I never got this month's paycheck and stuuuuffff," Tynave wailed.

"Tynave!" Clair took Tynave by the shoulders and shook her violently. "Before we die, there's something I wanted to tell you."

"What?" Tynave asked.

"Tynave. I love you." Clair stared at Tynave. Tynave stared at Clair.

"Oh. Uh. Oh, jeez. I, uh, um, Apris. I think I'll jump off the cliff now, then."

"You don't love me!" Clair began to cry.

"Oh it's, uh, just that I, uh, actually. No."

An awkward silence followed Tynave's answer.

"Wow, this sure is awkward," Farleen laughed.

"Farleen? You're not a zombie?" Clair asked between sobs.

"Oh I am a zombie. I just thought it'd be funny to play tag for awhile. You guys are really good at it, you knooooooooooow."

"Are you going to come back and work with us?" Tynave silently hoped she would. Being stuck with Clair didn't sound like a very good option at the moment.

"Sure!" Farleen beamed.

"She's a zombie, though," Clair said. "I don't know if we're allowed to employ the undead."

"Oh come on, the only difference is that Farleen's eyes are red now."

"They are?" Farleen crossed her eyes and spun in circles. "Whooooaa! They ARE!"

"Thus the population of red-eyed Elicoorians grew to three..." Clair narrated.

"So are we going to pretend none of this happened and stuff?"

"Naturally."

"Yippeeeee!" Farleen cheered. Then Farleen fell off the cliff and into the churning waves below. Tynave and Clair's eyes widened in horror.

"She's been re-killed!" Clair sobbed. Tynave coughed, not knowing what else to do.

"It's oooooooookay, guys!" Farleen called. "I'm fine-OOOWW! Okay, a shark bit me. I don't need a leg-OOOWWWW! MY OTHER LEEEEEEEEEEEG!"

"Oh Zombie Farleen," Tynave and Clair chuckled.

* * *

"And that's why Farleen has red eyes," Anarchy Sky said, a knowing smile on her face.

* * *

"I'm not marrying you, Nox!" 

"You have to! You're the only girl here!"

"Besides you!

"Shut up! You're getting married, dammit!"

"I'd rather die!"

"That can be arranged, wench!"

Nel barely managed to keep ahead of the swordsman as he chased her through the halls of the Kablam Training Facility. She was desperate to find an exit, knowing that Albel would surely overtake her soon, the long-legged bastard.

"Great," Nel said, seeing a window at the end of the hallway. She put all her remaining power into her legs and leapt out the opening. Albel skidded to a stop and leaned out the window, a shocked expression on his face.

"Dammit, Zelpher!" Albel roared, punching the window frame with his claw. He watched as the Aquarian Ninja landed safely outside the building. She turned to face him, a smug look on her face.

"Later, Nox," Nel laughed, giving the man a short salute. Albel's claw shot to the shoulder pad on his arm and in a fit of rage, flung it right at the spy.

It hit her in the head.

Albel let out a small 'eep' when he realized that he had taken out Nel once again.

"I sense a reoccurring theme," Albel thought to himself as he made his way outside to get Nel.

* * *

"HELLO! HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME!" a voice boomed. All the citizens of the Eternal Sphere, including those of Elicoor, looked around, extremely confused. 

"THIS IS THE CREATOR! I WANTED TO SAY THAT I AM NOT GAY, OKAY?"

"Luther! Get away from the microphone!"

"NO! DAMN YOU SISTER! GO DIE!"

"OW! You little whore, you bit me!"

"AND I'D DO IT AGAIN, JERK!"

"Put down the mic, Luther, you're not making yourself seem any better!"

"SHUT UP! I AM SO NOT GAY!"

"Oh yeah, what about that fella, Bel-"

"THIS IS NOT BLAIR TIME, THIS IS LUTHER TIME!"

"That's it, I'm pulling the plug!"

"I LIKE WOMEN, I SWEAR IT! I'M LOOKING AT YOOOOOU, MARIA!"

"Now you're just lying!"

"GO DOLPHINS, YEAH!"

And then all was silent.

"What the hell was that?" a small boy asked, tugging on his mother's arm.

"It's just Apris, dear," the mother answered, smiling serenely.

* * *

Meanwhile, somewhere in space... 

Maria shuddered slightly as a cold chill ran up her spine.

"I've got a bad feeling..."

* * *

"Sir, Duke Vox, uh, I'm having an issue here." Schweimer stood next to Vox, looking nervous. 

"What's wrong, scumbag?" Vox asked.

"Shelby is trying to harvest my soul again..."

"You go stick up for yourself, Schweimy. You don't have to take that kinda crap from people!"

"But, sir, my soul!"

"No buts, scumbag! Go tell that Shelby person what's what!"

"O-okay," Schweimer whimpered before he scampered away.

* * *

"Wake up Zelpher! Come on, dammit!" Albel knelt by the unconscious Crimson Blade's side. He shook her shoulders gently but she didn't respond. He sighed and sat back, unsure of what to do. Arzei would be arriving soon and he was running out of options. He could always run away and pursue his childhood dreams. 

"Yes, my old dreams," Albel laughed, stroking his chin, providing a lovely segue into yet another look back at the Wicked's warped life...

* * *

"_We're home, dear!" Glou Nox announced, shoving the front door to the Nox Mansion open. Albel had grown quite a bit since he had journeyed into the mountains with his father for some training._ _But then again that was-_

"_FIVE YEARS AGO! You left five years ago!" a terrible voice screeched. In the shadows towards the end of the hall, a pair of blood red eyes could be seen._

"_Fool, fool, fool," Albel cackled, an insane look about him. Glou smacked him in the back of the head._

"_I told you to stop doing that, boy. It's not right," Glou muttered. "But I guess it really doesn't matter in the end. Because we're probably going to die right here an now."_

_An angry woman stepped out of the darkness, pure rage burning in her eyes. "What have you done to my son!" _

"_I made him a man! No more of that sissy flower crap you taught him!" Glou said proudly. Lady Nox sent the poor Dragon Brigade captain flying out the door with a powerful flying kick. _

"_Sissy flower crap that, you idiot! Come on dear, Albel, let's go get you some pie."_

"_Maggot! Maggot! Fool!" Albel cheered, clapping both hands together. The deranged young swordsman's hair had become incredibly long and had begun to change colors._

"_Oh dear, look at your hair! What has your father been feeding you all these years?" Lady Nox hugged her poor son, almost squeezing the life out of the skinny kid._

"_We've been living off these strange birds. They're gigantic and yellow and completely extinct now. We ate them all," Glou exclaimed. Lady Nox shot him a death glare. Glou let out a small cry._

"_Worms," Albel whispered. _

"_I know, Albelkins! Let's braid your hair just like we used to before your stupid father hauled you off into the mountains!"_

"_NO!" Glou yelled. "You're making him weak!"_

"_I'm making him weak! Look at him! He's a lunatic! His vocabulary only consists of three words! What the bloody hell did you do to him?"_

"_I made him a man, dammit! At least he's not a sissy anymore! He's going to be a swordsman! And you read him **Jane Eyre** all the damn time!"_

"_No pie for you, Glou! None!"_

"_What! No! I-I...noooo!" Glou collapsed to the ground and tears began to form in his eyes. "I love the pie so much!"_

"_Here, Albelkins, eat some homemade elderberry pie!" Lady Nox somehow managed to manifest a pie from the void and more or less stuffed it down Albel's throat._

"_Argghhh! Oh, delicious!" Albel smiled. "Hey! I can talk normal again!"_

"_I knew the pie would make you better!"_

"_If I prove to you that my training worked, will you let me have some pie too?" Glou pleaded._

"_Maybe." Lady Nox snapped, eyes narrowing._

"_Okay! Albel, what's your dream?"_

"_Uh..."_

"_What you dream of doing when you're older!"_

"_Oh that's simple," Albel laughed, his smile widening. "I'm going to be a great swordsman or my name isn't Albel J. Nox!"_

"_See!" Glou shouted. Lady Nox rolled her eyes._

"_And if that fails, I'll be the effeminate male friend for all the local girls!" Albel finished, nodding his head in triumph._

_Both parents remained silent. Albel glanced frantically from his mother to his father. "Did I say something wrong?" he asked in a small voice._

"_GLOU!" Lady Nox shrieked. Glou snapped to attention. "Go take the boy back to the mountains."_

"_But, pie..."_

"_NOW, GLOU."_

"_Fine, come on boy!" Glou pulled his son by his leg. Albel desperately tried to cling to anything he could._

"_It's a legitimate career path!" Albel whined as he was taken back to the mountains._

"Okay, maybe I won't pursue my other dreams," Albel sighed.

"Oi," Nel muttered as she woke up just in time to move the plot along.

"How convenient," Albel exclaimed!

"What...happened?" Nel asked, moving into a sitting position.

"Oh. Uh. Meteor. Yes, you were hit by a Meteor. Terrible thing, really," Albel replied.

"Bloody...Meteor. Lifestream will clear that up, no problem."

"Maybe you should just stay down for a little bit longer, you seem to be out of your mind."

"No I'm not!" Nel frowned. Albel winced, fell over on his back and proceeded to flail about for a minute or two. Nel slowly inched away. "I think you're out of your mind..."

"D-d-defecate! Plums!" Albel gasped, clinging to his chest. "Can't. Be mean. To the wen-hrk!"

"Your psychotic-ness is worse than last time." Nel glanced around nervously.

"Wait!" Albel stopped going crazy-go-nuts-university. "You remember that?"

"Of course." Nel nodded her head and then grimaced, somewhat dizzy.

"So you still have amnesia...?" Albel narrowed his eyes, suspicious. Nel was a flippin' sweet spy after all.

Nel shrugged. "I suppose."

"Do you remember what I asked you before you fell over on some blood spray?"

"Hmmm," Nel closed her eyes and pondered. "No."

"NO! I'm not asking it again! My poor, poor pride..." Albel really wanted to cry. This was the most his beatings his pride had taken since that time when his father finally told him what the J in his middle name stood for. But not quite. That was traumatic. To the _extreme_!11oneoneone

And, just so you know.

Albel is _still _wearing that top hat.

I don't know why.

I'm sorry.

"What did you ask me, Albel?" Nel asked.

"Can't say it. Not again. Not again. Never, never, never."

That's when King Arzei fell from the sky, since he could actually fly, whilst carrying apple pie, and turkey on rye?

Albel screamed why! Seemed so ready to cry, wanted to die, tears formed in one eye, couldn't come up with another lie.

Nel let out a sigh! Yet another weird guy!

"And...we're back," King Arzei said, smiling serenely. "Hello darlings! I came for the wedding! I brought some yummies. Is this your fiancee?"

"Oh, I remember!" Nel laughed. "Yes, yes I am!"

Albel's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he started to convulse. Arzei kicked him in the ribs. "Save that for later, hon!" Arzei winked. Albel scowled.

"Wedding's ready!" Vox yelled from elsewhere.

"Fabulous! Let's go, dears!" Arzei took Nel and Albel by the arm and skipped towards the Kraprunningouttanames Training Facility.

* * *

The entire Black Brigade gathered in the main hall, looking incredibly confused. Schweimer was on the ground, drooling all over the place. Shelby sat near the poor ass kisser with a jar labeled 'Schweimer's Soul' in his hands. Vox stood by a makeshift altar, which consisted of a pile of rocks and a sign that read 'Altor'. Everyone secretly knew that Vox had made the altar. It was just very obvious. 

King Arzei and his victims burst through the door that simply did not exist and hopped down to the altar.

"Ready, First Mate!"Arzei screamed. Vox winced and covered both ears. He shook his head yes. "Okay! Let's get these munchkins married!"

"Psst, Schweimy, how's my eyeshadow look?" Vox whispered to Schweimer.

"Maaaaahhhhhrrrghhh," Schweimer moaned.

"I see."

"First Mate Vox, launch the zebra!" Arzei raised his hand dramatically and the entire room became silent. "ZEBRA!"

"My liege, there is no zebra," Vox said. Arzei's lip trembled.

"No zebra?"

"None."

"Are you certain?"

"Absolutely, my liege."

"Is he really a priest?" Nel asked quietly. Albel didn't respond. He was frozen in panic.

Arzei held back his tears and swallowed loudly. "Alright. I shall continue the ceremony. The zebra-less ceremony. But first," Arzei announced, flashing a smile, "a word from our sponsors!"

Vox slapped his hand against his head. "My liege, we have no sponsors!"

"No zebra! No sponsors! I'll be dammed if I don't get one of them. Sponsors, bloody hell, sponsors!" Arzei's face skipped red and began to turn purple. Maybe even mauve.

"O-okay!" Vox backed away, starting to regret coming to this hellhole in the first place.

"Where are the sponsors!" Arzei screeched, pounding his fists on the altar.

"This might take awhile," The Man Who Plays Kim began. "And what will become of our intrepid heroes? What happened to the zebra? Where's Alucrab? Who is this mysterious King Arzei? Is Nel feigning amnesia? Will Albel become a runaway bride? Like that movie with Julia Roberts? Oh, that was quite the classic!"

"Shut up!" Shelby snapped, whacking The Man Who Plays Kim in the head. "Stop narrating the story, you foolish fool!"

* * *

Since this is a double update, I'll put review responses in the next chapter. 


	12. Like Wine Comes To This Mouth

**The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Aquarian Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Twelve: Like Wine Comes To This Mouth**

**

* * *

**"Alright, let's get this session underway," a perky, silver-haired man began. About a dozen or so crazy evil guys gathered in a circle, Romero included. "I'll be leading the group today!" 

"You have no idea how this counseling crap works," a stoned, white-haired fella muttered.

"SHUT UP JUNIOR!" the silver-haired man hissed, waving a vicious looking sword over his head. "You can't do anything special! So you don't get to talk! Got it, mother? I mean, dammit. Let's begin the Reunion...wait, session! Dammit, dammit, dammit!"

"Haha, you have an Oedipus Complex," the white-haired man, called Junior, giggled.

"At least I'm not a masochist," Silver snorted.

"Hey! This is not masochism! It's a talent!" Junior's head exploded. He continued to sit upright in his chair, blood pouring all over the place.

"Ewwww," a chubby, blue-haired idiot groaned. "Not again, Alb-aack! Sorry, forgot. No names. Just pseudonyms."

"That's right," Silver snapped. "Alright, I need to take attendence! Mr. Whiskers: blood-aholic!"

"That's meeeee!" A man wearing a red jacket and a giant red hat laughed, white fangs sparkling.

"You're such a freak," Silver sighed."Chubs McGee: crippling fear of hats. And goblins. Whatever."

"Hello, darling!" The obese, blue-haired dude waved.

"Rather Dashing: agateophobia.. I'm sorry Rather, you're still losing that battle."

"I knows," a rather dejected looking clown sighed. "Muah-ha-ha-ha!"

"Uh, guys," Chubs McGee began. "Junior over there isn't regenerating." He pointed to the fallen "Whitey/Junior", who had yet to rise.

"Give him some time, Chubs. He's probably angst-ing right now anyways. Alright, next is Shardington: dangerous addiction to pink shards."

"I NEED THEM SOOOO!" A man with crazy hair and red eye shadow started gnawing on his chair. Suddenly his arm fell off and turned into a person.

"OH GROSS! Shardington gave birth again!" Chubs waved his arms in alarm.

"Don't judge my offspring!" Shardington gave Chubs an annoyed look.

"Shut up. Chubs! Leave him alone. I'm not done calling names!" Silver raised his sword again, preparing to kill.

"Yeah, shut up, Chubs," Romero yelled.

"Quiet, Sassafras," Silver commanded, glaring at Romero/Sassafras. Romero/Sassafras pouted.

"I'm serious, guys, Junior just fell over onto the floor. He's not regenerating."

"Can I drink him?" Mr. Whiskers asked. "Pleeeeeease...?"

"Not right now," Silver said.

"Ohmigawd, we killed Junior," Rather Dashing squealed.

"Run for it!" Shardington cried, skipping towards the exit. Everyone else quickly followed except for Romero and Silver.

"Why are you still here?" Romero asked.

"I'm waiting for Mother to pick me up. We're having a Reunion today, you see..."

"Group counseling my ass," Romero muttered.

* * *

"Alright, so we'll have a zebra-less, sponsor-less, maple syrup-less, yellow-less, scissor-less, arsenic and old lace-less, lemon pepper chicken-less, Constantinople theme wedding. I'm pretty sure the teachings of the Beloved Bunny approve of that..." Arzei panted, trying to catch his breath. Though he was exhausted from all the mental power he had just used, Arzei was rather pleased with himself. 

"Wedding. Please." Vox was ready to cry. He needed some chocolate. But SOMEONE had been pilfering chocolate from the storage rooms again. No one could figure out who was stealing it and the only way anyone except Vox could enter the place was via secret underground passage that goes deep into the dungeons under Airyglyph castle. The place where weird crying noised could frequently be heard. But whatever.

"Okay!" Arzei slapped his palms together, waking up everyone who had fallen asleep, including Albel.

"Wot?" Albel looked around with droopy eyes.

"Wedding time," Nel whispered. Albel stared at her for a second, his numb mind slowly processing the information.

"Oh," Albel squeaked quietly, a panicked look returning to his face.

"Oh Beloved Bunny, we gather here before you in this delectable house of love, friendship, and stupidity to force two youths into what magazines will come to regard as the hottest marriage of the season. It's going to be sooooo cute!"

"Albel..." Nel leaned towards Albel. He glanced down at her nervously. "We don't have to get married..." Albel's eyebrows shot up and he opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. "Unless you want to," Nel added. Albel frowned and turned his head away.

"The Beloved Bunny prefers his wine to be chilled ever so slightly, so that He might it enjoy a refreshing swig but not one that cools His very Bunny heart."

"Nel," Albel whispered, traces of pink spreading across his face. "I'll do what you want me to do."

"Albel..." Nel blushed and didn't bother hiding it. Her lips curved into a sincere smile.

"Don't think this means I care about you or anything, woman," Albel said rapidly, the pink shade turning a great deal darker. "I just don't want to deal with the psychotic Bunny King up there."

"I think," Nel began slowly, quite nervous herself, "that I don't mind this at all."

"Bah." Albel folded his arms and glared up at the would-be-priest.

"You're not such an unlikable man, after all, Nox."

Albel's head immediately snapped toward Nel, his face turning ghostly white. "What was that?"

"Do you, Albel Janice Nox take Nelia Maria Guadalupe Lorenzo the Ninth to be your beloved Bunny wife, through some stuff and what not?"

"YOUR NAME IS JANICE!" Vox roared, tears in his eyes.

"SHUT UP! IT'S A FAMILY NAME!" Albel screamed, temporarily forgetting his supposed fiancee.

"Janice! Janice! Janice!" Vox giggled madly. Albel cursed rather loudly. If only the King wasn't standing right there. Then Albel could run Vox through with his claw, no problem.

"Your answer, Janice?" Arzei asked, completely oblivious to just about everything.

Albel was silent for a minute, forgetting to breathe, forgetting to think. It was as though time itself had stopped and the only thing that continued to run was the loud, racing beat of his heart.

"Don't you dare start to change the writing style of this story, Janice!" Vox yelled.

"Uh, yeah," Albel said, bewildered.

"Lovely. Lovely...LIKE THE FRESH BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES! MUAHAHAHAHA! OW!" A nearby guard stabbed Arzei with a crazy-be-not needle and the monarch returned to normal. "Do you Nelia Maria Guadalupe Lorenzo the Ninth, take Albel Janice Nox to be your ambiguous husband through all the pain and misery that you're probably going to go through for putting up with Airyglyph's dumbass-ery?"

"W-wait! Hold on a minute!" Albel shouted, suddenly remembering Nel's comment from earlier.

"What's wrong?" Nel asked.

"One minute, wench, one minute here. What did you call me earlier?"

"This is not question and answer time, Albel. This is marriage time. And if you try to change times, the Beloved Bunny will devour your head," Arzei warned.

"I know what my answer is," Nel said. "And it's-"

Nel's answer was forever lost as the rest of the building crashed to the ground around them as a giant dragon landed near Vox!

"ODDEYE, MY MAN!" Arzei cheered. "Knew you'd make it! OOF!" A brick hit Arzei in the head, causing even more brain damage.

"_I HEARD THERE WAS A PARTY AND I LIKE THOSE VERY MUCH SO I CAME._"

"Oddeye!" Vox gasped before a pillar crushed him.

"_YES! IT IS I! THE PLOT DEVICE DRAGON. UNINVITED I MIGHT ADD! STUPID, THOUGHTLESS HUMANS, IGNORING ME AND SUCH._"

Slabs of stone pounded into guards, slammed into chefs, and pretty much knocked out every single person in the area.

Included the betrothed, Albel and Nel.

"_OH SHIT!_" Oddeye realized that he'd managed to take down everyone, including his pal, Arzei. "_I WAS NEVER HERE, I SWEAR!_"

Oddeye flew off and all was quiet as the dust settled. No one woke up for hours. During that time in which nothing interesting happened, Demetrio showed up, sang a full concert, and received absolutely no applause. The poor rap star moved on to another town, feeling quite rejected.

Then Albel woke up.

"What the hell happened..." Albel rubbed his head and shoved rocks off his chest so he could sit up. He looked around and saw Nel. "Deja-vu. Deja-vu."

"What's going on?" Nel groaned, coming to. Soon enough, the rest of the folks rose to their feet, confusion a-plenty.

"So no one remembers any of the events for the last three chapters?" Nel concluded. Albel nodded.

"So let's pretend none of this ever happened," The Man Who Plays Kim said. Whoa! Where'd he come from?

"Agreed," everyone spoke in unison.

"Now that I think about it," Nel pondered. "The last thing I can recall is being struck in the head by..." Nel's eyes narrowed and she faced Albel.

"What?" Albel asked, looking positively baffled.

"Eh, doesn't matter, really," Nel sighed, choosing not to exact her revenge. She was feeling nice today. And like she had a bad hangover.

"So the entire facility has been destroyed...?" Shelby surveyed the damage. Indeed, the building had been laid to waste.

"Guess we're going to have to have that bake sale sooner than later," Albel muttered. "Maybe Woltar will let us stay with him until we can get everything rebuilt."

"Hey guys," The Man Who Plays Kim piped up.

"Yes, Chadrolf?" Nel turned her attention to The Man Who Plays Kim.

"Is it just me..."

"Probably," Shelby said under his breath.

"Is it just me, or does this feel like a cop out."

"Oh it's defiantly a cop out," Albel replied. Then Nel drop kicked Albel. He lay on the ground, stunned. And he still had the top hat on his head. People were starting to wonder how it stayed on and why Albel was still wearing it.

"What was that for!" The Man Who Plays Kim screeched, horrified by the random act of violence.

"Just decided to get revenge after all," Nel said.

"Cool. Cool."

* * *

"Hello there, delightful readers. This is Sir Shelby. I'm here today to talk out of character and give a public service announcement." 

"Go Shelbifina!

"Stuff it! You're almost as annoying as the dreaded Steve. Almost, but not quite. Anyway, I'm here to tell you that starting next week, The Black Brigade blah-blah-blah will be renamed Shelby's Happy Incredible Time! Isn't that terrific?"

"Fool, do you realize what the acronym for that is?"

"I think it represents the quality of writing this slop will turn into if he starts making it himself."

"Good one, Zelpher-wench."

"Thank you, Nox-whore."

"Stop taking my precious page space! I'm trying to advertise!"

"Whatever."

"Try coming up with a better name, Shelbifina!"

"Awesome Shelby Show?"

"Can I kill the maggot now?"

"Not yet. Nox-whore."

"Zelpher-wench!"

"Okay, how about Fantastically Uber Cool-"

"NOOOO, SHELBIFINA! Don't finish that! The children! Think of the children!"

"Albel the Androgynous."

"Crimson Bitc-"

"THAT'S IT! I'm leaving!"

"Bye Shelbifina. Hey, I have to go too. Nail appointment. Peace, peace!"

"I must leave as well."

"Transvestite meeting?"

"Very funny. No, I have to pick up my plaid skirt from the cleaners."

"I'm not surprised..."

* * *

Because no one likes Shelby. Not even...Chuck Norris! 

And so that little story arc is over and done with. I have a break from school starting soon and I should be able to update this several times, finish Killing Albel Nox, and finish a Desifinado update.

Also, whoever can guess all the people who were in the first chunk of this chapter (the group therapy part, excluding Romero) will receive a stupendous prize! Some people are easier to guess than others...

**lil-creator: **I'm glad you like! I have bits and pieces of the next couple of chapters done, and I think Fourteen is turning out to be one of the funniest chapters yet. I shall give you a hint about it, too...it involves vampires! Now go forth and write more comedy! Rock on!

**Angel of Atonement: **Thanks for all the reviews! I caught the secret message, too. And you read my crazy lifestory? Vikings are forever, my friend, just so long as you believe. You pretty much caught all the things I'm going to use for Chapters 13-17. One thing I work hard on (and trust me, it gets insanely hard) is keeping track of all the plots I have running through a big parody story. I've tried to keep this more simple than my Rurouni Kenshin parody. That was complicated. My head hurts just reading it. Thank you so much for the compliments! You're a great writer and I really look forward to reading more of Fayt's Fates. The humour is amazing!

**Commie Sky: **Thanks for supporting me, I'm truly thankful for having a friend like you. I am feeling better but I really miss my dog. I always come home and I always pause right before I walk through the door because I know she's not going to be standing behind it. It was kinda hard writing for awhile too, I wasn't feeling all hilarious and whatnot...Okay, moving on, I'll send you Desifinado dos over break. So don't change your freakin' e-mail again! Oi, the mass confusion...the death threats...the tiger attacks. Uh. Not tiger attacks. I don't know what I'm talking about. We need to rock rock on over break, too! And ambush the Mafia Sky! I know Mafia totally doesn't read this. And if she does...oooooooooooh boy.

**ZeroX2624**: Thanks for the review! I loved writing the flashback bit so I wrote another one. Hoped you like this one, too!

**The Crazy Authoresses CAT and AMS: **I love cake! Wait, Alpaca cake...uh? And alpacas are the enemies of llamas! I see them fighting in the streets all the time. Or maybe farms. Yeah, it was the farms! Haha, you say kaw? Our numbers are growing! Hoo-haa-kaw! The Man Who Plays Kim is the greatest character I've ever created. I drew a picture of him, too. And Albel with a nailbat, for some strange reason.

**dark-pheonix1: **Heh heh, 42... Yellow forever! It's also a very excellent song by Coldplay...hmm...for serious! Albel and Nel would get married, I was tempted to actually finish out this chapter with them ending up married. But I was struck in the head with the random stick and things got a little crazy, you see.

**BlueTrillium: **I'm glad someone commented on that terrible pick-up line. I really wanted to find one that was completely pathetic. Seymour wore a top hat? He did? Now I'm going to have to start playing that game again to see that. If it's true, Seymour might be an okay villain after all. And now you know where I was going with that whole Farleen-the-Zombie thing. Muchos gracias for your editing services!

**Blue Persuasion: **Because yellow is the best answer, ever. It will get you through life. Maybe. Probably not. Don't risk it. Woltar is a crazy, crazy old man. Why? Because...yellow, of course!

**Lorelai Kline: **That's almost it exactly! The only thing missing is a live elephant. I'm not exactly sure where it fits in but oh well. Thanks for reviewing!

**Sorceress Myst: **Nel like Yuna...shudder. That be scary. So scary I don't think I could even parody it. Well, I bet Nel could dive off of tall building and fly just fine on her own withoutsummoningannoying multicolored birds. That would actually be funny...

**Demon Priestess Saturn: **Ha, Albel hitting Nel in the head is pretty much a reoccuring theme now. I mix accents all the time. I steal my friend's theater scripts and start reciting lines in every accent I know how to do. Needless to say, I get my mouth duct taped all the time.

**silver thorns: **You see, Albel can't be mean to Nel when she's so confused and innocent-like. If he even tries to insult her, he goes into a crazy fit with hilarious results. And Arzei is like Vox cubed. Only rabid.

Thank you all so much for supporting me! I apologize for getting this update up so late. I really did have it done a few weeks ago but I've been working on six other Star Ocean stories. I get too distracted, I swear...

Thanks again, everyone!

Peace out!


	13. The Cannibal Cookbook

**The Pansy Brigade Idiot Troupe Vs. The Aquarian Seamstress Force**

**Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.**

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Thirteen: The Cannibal Cookbook

* * *

**

"How the hell did we managed to get lost on the way to Kirlsa! It's just down the damn road!" Albel growled, struggling to make him way through the chest high snow that surrounded him. Nel followed closely behind the tall man, using him as a wind shield. It wasn't very effective, the wind seemed to lash at the travelers from all directions.

"We're going to die," The Man Who Plays Kim cried, clinging to Shelby, who could no longer blink.

Why couldn't Shelby blink?

Simple.

His eyes had frozen over.

"Mmmm," Shelby mmmm'd. That was about all he could do besides shuffle along the path Albel was plowing. Unfortunately, the snow was falling fast and quickly covered the trail.

"Come on, maggots!" Albel called. His voice was lost in the wind and he could barely make out the pathetic forms of The Man Who Plays Kim and Shelby the Feminine. Nel jabbed Albel in the side, causing him to look down at her.

"This is your fault, Nox," Nel hissed, glaring up at him. Albel rolled his eyes.

"What do you suggest we do about it, wench? We're completely lost out here," Albel said, a hint of worry in his voice. The blizzard was only getting worse and there was a very real chance of them meeting their maker out in the frozen hell-hole located somewhere between the Kirlsa and the Black Brigade HQ ruins. "Cast a fire spell, woman!"

"It won't work," Nel whispered. Her hands were beginning to shake. Albel seemed to be completely cold resistant, despite the skirt. Maybe he was part yeti?

"Fire, dammit," Albel demanded, folding his arms. Nel simply shook her head and wrapped her arms around herself, struggling to stay warm. "You're...a stupid lady!"

"Your insults are lacking," Nel muttered. Albel shot her a dark look before plowing through more snow, marching ahead blindly. Nel was forced to duck repeatedly to avoid being smacked in the face by Albel's errant braids. They were pretty dangerous. Like drunken cobras, they were.

"You guys!" The Man Who Plays Kim charged towards the duo, flailing his arms. Where he got the energy is a grand mystery. Perhaps his blood contained high amounts of caffeine. Or maybe he drank Bawls.

It's a drink, people!

That's not a joke!

Seriously!

Get your minds out of the gutter!

"Hmm?" Nel turned her head back and gazed at the man. Albel continued on, probably ignoring the idiot behind him.

"Shelby fell over!" The Man Who Plays Kim reported, swaying slightly in the wind.

"Good!" Nel and Albel exclaimed. The Man Who Plays Kim paused for a moment, shrugged, and followed his commanders.

Very little time passed before the winds picked up, mercilessly pounded against Albel, Nel, and Chadrolf, and threatened to push them over off a cliff or some sort of nonsense like that. Something in the distance caught Albel's eye and he stopped moving, causing Nel and The Man Who Plays Kim to crash into him.

"Watch out, fools," Albel growled, glaring back at them. Nel muttered something incoherent and The Man Who Plays Kim was...gnawing on his arm? "I think I see a rock formation a little ways ahead. We can take shelter there until the storm dies down."

"What about Shelby?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked.

"Bah."

The trio marched on until the finally arrived at the rocks Albel had seen. It was one rock. One measly rock. It was about the height of a muskrat, which Henry David Thoreau pretty much OBSESSES about ALL the time. That's right, Thoreau, I know all about your strange little fetishes. Oh, and I can't forget your husbandry fixation. When I die and go to whatever, I'm going to point and laugh at you, you transcendentalist freak! But you'll probably be too busy staring at those accursed muskrats. So then I'll get Chuck Norris to kick you in the face. Afterwards, we can pit Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris against each other in the ultimate battle. The power from their blows alone should be enough to rip apart the very fabric of this universe. It's going to be totally sweet!

"Good going, Sir Nox!" The Man Who Plays Kim yelled, taking up an unusually rebellious tone.

"Burn!" Albel attempted to stab the man but a sudden gust of wind sent him falling over into the snow. Nel remained silent. She was not used to the cold weather at all and hardly dressed for it. Both men seemed completely and utterly oblivious to this fact as they bickered amongst themselves.

"Hey," Nel whispered harshly, pain in her throat. "Hey." Her voice was very weak and it took a few tries before Albel heard her. The swordsman looked up, leaving a wounded The Man Who Plays Kim on the ground below.

"What is it?" Albel asked, stepping closer so he could hear her.

"Over there." Nel pointed to behind the rock. Albel waded through the snow to see what she was talking about. An extremely convenient cliff and cave greeted him.

"Well that's pretty neat," a bloodied The Man Who Plays Kim chuckled. "I can't believe we missed that."

"Whatever," Albel sighed, heading towards the cave with The Man Who Plays Kim. He looked back and noticed Nel hadn't moved. "Come on, woman!" Nel shook her head and slowly followed after him. Albel waited for her to catch up.

"We're going to live," The Man Who Plays Kim shouted, throwing himself into the cave. Unfortunately, he missed and collided with the actual cliff. He slid to the ground, blood staining the pure snow around him.

"Good job, worm," Albel laughed as he entered the cave.

"Ow," The Man Who Plays Kim groaned, rubbing his forehead. The three Black Brigade members stepped into the dark cave. Albel tapped Nel on the shoulder and she snapped out of her daze again.

"Could you cast a fire spell?" Albel asked, this time politely. Nel nodded her head slightly and quickly conjured up a small flame that hovered just above the palm of her hand. The fire managed to illuminate the area around them, revealing a tunnel in the back of the cave.

"Look, a stick!" The Man Who Plays Kim crawled over to a piece of wood that was randomly on the ground nearby. "This is just so convenient! Dinner time!" Albel slammed his gauntlet down on The Man Who Plays Kim's head and stole the stick from his hands before he could eat it. Albel held it out to Nel and she set it on fire.

"Let's move further away from the entrance," Albel suggested. Nel sighed slightly, not really caring at the moment. She just wanted to sit down and fall asleep. Albel held up the torch and led the way down the tunnel.

"It's...a bear!" The Man Who Plays Kim gasped as they rounded a corner. Albel pressed his hand against the stupid man's mouth and held up a clawed finger to his mouth, signaling for them to all shut the hell up. Nel leaned against the rocky wall, gazing at the furry monstrosity before her. Then her eyes widened in alarm, a terrible realization entering her mind.

"Albel!" Nel whimpered, slowly backing away. "We have to get out of here!" Albel gave her a frantic look, wishing she would remain quiet. He was startled to see the fear in her eyes. Had a simple bear been enough to unnerve her? "It's _the_ _bear with a knife_!" Nel took another step back towards the cave's entrance. No other creature on the planet was as terrifying as the bear with a knife.

"Bear with a knife?" Albel's eyes fell upon the bear once more and he saw a shining blade clutched in the bear's fearsome claws. He felt all his courage fade away and was tempted to run for it. But he knew if they went outside again, they'd all probably die. He glanced around, desperate for another exit. A grin crept on to Albel's face as he realized there was another tunnel behind the beast. Albel pointed towards it and shoved The Man Who Plays Kim in that direction.

"Okie dokie!" The Man Who Plays Kim skipped towards the tunnel. He was the bravest man who ever did live, to fear not the bear with a knife. Albel stared, dumbfounded. The Man Who Plays Kim slipped into the shadows and the bear continued to slumber.

"Nel," Albel whispered, taking careful steps towards her. Nel seemed to be frozen on the spot. That bloody bear was the bane of her existence. And those stupid men, they did not know the true horrors of the bear. They had never been chased across the plains, running for their very lives. Albel reached out and touched her arm. "We have to leave before it wakes up." Nel frowned but Albel pulled her towards him before she could respond. The two quietly crept towards the tunnel behind the bear and finally made it to safety.

"It's alright now," Albel said, giving Nel a reassuring smile. Then Albel stepped on a not-so-convenient twig. The small snap was a enough to wake the bear. It's bloodshot eyes flew open and it let out a deafening roar.

"Good job, dumbass!" Nel yelled, punching Albel in the arm.

"You were the one being a pansy!"

"It's a damn bear with a knife! No one can beat a bear with a knife! You'd have to be completely psychotic not to be afraid!"

The bear leaned over the two as they argued, raising its hungry blade above them.

"Run!" Nel shoved Albel, sending him sprawling. Luckily, her actions caused the bear's attack to miss Albel. Sadly, the torch was sent flying, rolling back into the bear's hidey-hole. The flame scorched the bear's fur and the beast flailed about, trying to extinguish the tiny flame. In the process, a giant rockslide was created. Things like how it happened, why it happened, and what happened during the event shall not be elaborated upon.

"Uh, Sir Albel?" The Man Who Plays Kim squinted through the darkness, trying to pick out any hint of life in the massive pile of rocks that had blocked the tunnel, effectively cutting off the intrepid heroes from that crazy-ass bear.

"Ugh," Nel groaned, kicking a small boulder out of her way and climbing through the opening. She turned back and reached back into the hole, grabbing Albel's gauntlet. "The Man Who Plays Kim? You there?" Nel asked.

"Yup!"

"Help me out here, he's going to be crushed..." The Man Who Plays Kim tripped several times as he made his way over to Nel. He took hold of Albel's arm and pulled. That's when Albel's claws dug into The Man Who Plays Kim's arm.

"OW!"

"Let go, dammit!" Albel shouted, swatted his rescuer's hands away, and dug himself out. The Man Who Plays Kim curled up into a ball and began to cry.

"You dead, man?" Nel asked. Albel could hardly make out her outline, everything was black.

"Yes, Zelpher. I'm dead. I'm a zombie."

* * *

Farleen sneezed. 

"You okay and stuff?" Tynave glanced at Farleen.

"Okelie dokelie!" Farleen gave Tynave a thumbs up.

* * *

Nel had managed to use her remaining strength to cast another fire spell. The flame was weaker than before and only managed to illuminate some of the cavern around them. 

"Let's go a little further, just in case that bear tries to follow us," Albel suggested.

"I don't think that's going to happen, Nox," Nel replied. Her faced was flushed and it was getting harder to keep her spell up. Albel seemed to notice this and frowned. He turned to face The Man Who Plays Kim, who was still in the fetal position.

"Up, maggot!" Albel's foot collided with the comic relief's head.

"Aaaaaargh! What?" The Man Who Plays Kim climbed to his feet and stared at Albel.

"Now listen, I need you to do something important, fool."

"Oooh! Finally some recognition!"

"Since you defy everything-"

"Everything?"

"No interrupting! You defy everything. Everything. Even flamingos. You never die and you always manage to retain some dignity. But right now, I need you to bend the laws of the universe and manifest something we can torch..."

"How do I do that?" The Man Who Plays Kim was clueless. Albel sighed.

"Maybe I was wrong with my theory..." Albel's eyes darted back to Nel, her exhaustion becoming more and more apparent. "Hold still. I'm going to test another theory..."

"Uh oh..."

Albel towered over the poor man, claws raised.

* * *

"How was therapy, comaaaaaaaaaaander?" Raxa inquired from his position on a comfortable couch. 

"Get off the furniture," Romero commanded. Raxa shrugged. Romero's eyes began to glow.

"'Kay!" Raxa scampered away, leaving Romero to his own devices. Romero stepped into the middle of a room, a sad look on his face. Then, a random spotlight cast its light upon the King of the Dead. Romero gazed up and opened his mouth to let his emotions pour out.

"_On my own  
Pretending he's beside me  
All alone, I walk with him till morning  
Without him  
I feel his arms around me  
And when I lose my way I close my eyes  
And he has found me..."_

"SUCK IT!" The Phantom of the Opera swung down from NOWHERE and strangled Romero with a punjab lasso. The Phantom cackled and then fled into the shadows, multicolored braids trailing behind him.

"So that's what The Phantom of the Opera has been up to these past few months..." Raxa nodded his head.

* * *

The Man Who Plays Kim was dead. Albel had attempted to pull a guitar out of his head in hopes of setting the guitar on fire. The plan failed miserably. 

"Now what?" Albel wondered aloud.

"I...I think I'm alright," The Man Who Plays Kim gasped. Albel wasn't surprised by his survival at all.

"Well I didn't really care either way, fool."

Albel and The Man Who Plays Kim turned and realized that Nel had built a lovely fire and was currently sleeping off to the side of it, head resting on her eternal scarf.

"I'm not surprised by that either," Albel said.

"Me neither, she's magic," The Man Who Plays Kim commented. Albel and The Man Who Plays Kim took their own positions by the fire and soon joined Nel in the realm of sleep.

* * *

Fayt stood at a podium, prepared to give a speech to the other students in his class. Sophia stood by his side, ready to assist when necessary. 

"Before we begin the meeting, we must first say the pledge." Fayt placed both hands on his hips and hundreds of others repeated this motion. "Repeat after me."

"Repeat after me," came a unison voice.

"Not yet, assholes!"

"Not yet, assholes!"

"Ugh...Earth!"

"EARTH!"

"Fire!"

"FIRE!"

"Wind!"

"WIND!"

"Water!"

"WATER!"

"HEART!" Fayt bellowed, punching the air with his fist.

"HEART! GO PLANET!" Hundreds of hands raised and then all the people began to dance as Fayt grabbed the mic on the podium and sang the theme song.

"When your powers combine, I am Captain Planet," Sophia squealed. Fayt rolled his eyes and continued his part.

"_Captain Planet, he's our hero_..."

* * *

Albel Nox shot up, eyes wide in terror, sweat rolling down his face. His clutched his chest, desperately trying to catch his breath. He looked around him and saw the fire still glowing warmly and his comrades sleeping soundly. 

"That was...a musical nightmare," Albel whispered. His nightmares had been coming to him in song as of late. It was a little disturbing.

"Mmmhhmm." Nel began to wake up. She yawned and stretched her arms. "I dreamt about Thundercats. It was pretty silly. That Lion-oooooo. Oh ho."

The Man Who Plays Kim woke up, just in time to add his two cents. "I dreamt about Speed Racer. Oooooh, Speed, so sexy..."

"Hmm..."

"What?"

"Good job, fool, you turned this all into one big awkward mess."

And so it was awkward.

* * *

Twelve days passed as though some mystical hand had beaten a clock with a golf club, spun the hands to symbolize the elapse of time, and thrown it like a frisbee into a pedestrian. Who was eaten by the Beast from Air. Who was impaled by Ralph the Fly Lord. And that's when Ayn Rand, Bob Barker, and Charles Darwin showed up and the climax of the story began... 

"I'm hungry," The Man Who Plays Kim complained. Albel, Nel, and The Man With The Name That I Sometimes Get Tired Of Writing Because It's Pretty Long For A Name, You Know sat around a dying fire, peering at each other with hungry eyes.

It was a testament to Elicoorian endurance. The three had managed to stay alive all those days without food or water. They survived on the insults that seemed to drip off their tongues every time their mouths opened. Only their hatred for each other kept them alive.

"Shut up, worm," Albel spat.

"Transvestite."

"Slut."

"Whore."

"Tramp," Nel whispered.

"You just insulted yourself, wench."

"I know, I'm starting to lose my grip on reality," Nel admitted.

"Guys, without real food, we're going to die. Well, I won't. I just can't die," The Man Who Plays Kim said.

"If only we hadn't been completely sealed off into this cavern," Nel sighed.

"If only we hadn't assumed that we were completely sealed off in this cavern. We could have explored it for an exit while we still had the strength. And, uh, worms." Albel rested his head on his knees, eyes narrowing into slits.

"If only we weren't so darn stupid!" The Man Who Plays Kim would have shook his fist at nothing in particular but that took energy and energy was precious.

"I have an idea," Nel giggled. She had been doing that since Day Seven. Occasionally, a mad look would appear in her eyes and she'd have herself a nice laugh. But this time she seemed to be serious.

"What's the plan?" Albel asked.

"We have to eat The Man Who Plays Kim."

"WHAT!" The Man Who Plays Kim rolled over onto his side, almost falling into the fire. Speaking of the fire, Nel must have used to pretty sweet magic to keep the thing going for so long. But enough about the fire...

"I agree. I shall do the deed." Albel slowly rose to his feet, joints cracking as he moved for the first time in four days. The last time he got up was to strangle Nel with her own scarf in her sleep. It worked. But Nel got better.

"Hey now," The Man Who Plays Kim whimpered, looking for an escape. There was none. Death loomed overhead and held a dangerous blade to his neck.

"Goodbye, my brother!" Albel pulled the sword back and prepared to swing.

"Wait! I'm you're brother!" The Man Who Plays Kim was stunned. Nel was chewing on her scarf, which had been reduced to string.

"No," Albel chuckled, "I lied to make the moment more dramatic."

"That's understandable."

In one fluid motion, Albel's sword ripped through The Man Who Plays Kim and painted the wall behind him crimson. Albel watched with grim satisfaction as the body went limp and the blood rolled into the cracks in the ground.

"That's pretty violent," Nel observed.

"Yes," Albel responded, wiping a small red drop from his cheek, accidentally smearing it across his nose.

"I call his liver," Nel said.

"Dammit!"

* * *

Shelby and a team of Black Brigade soldiers had been searching for their lost leaders and comic relief. They found their way into the cave through another entrance and proceeded to wander its many halls, looking for any clue. At last, Shelby heard voices in the darkness. He signaled for some lesser, unimportant man to go ahead and seek out the noise but he was dragged off into the shadows by some furry beast. And then the crew stumbled upon a terrible scene. 

"Hey guys. Uh, what's up?" Shelby asked nervously, staring at Albel and Nel, who were soaked in blood.

"Not much, just about to have dinner," Nel answered.

"Is that...?"

"Yes, it is The Man Who Plays Kim," Albel said this time.

"You ATE him!" a nameless soldier shrieked in horror.

"No," Nel sighed. "We were about to. Albel only killed him two minutes ago."

"I see." Shelby coughed slightly. "Want to leave now?"

"That would be nice," Nel replied. Nel and Albel stood up and followed Shelby as he led them out.

"HOLY FREAKIN' AMSTERDAM!" everyone exclaimed at the sight before them. The Man Who Plays Kim was standing by the exit, a confident smile on his face.

"How did you survive that killshot?" Albel glared at The Man Who Plays Kim, who responded with a head shake.

"Let's just...go back to the HQ," Nel muttered. Everyone nodded in agreement.

"How did you really make it?" Shelby whispered to The Man Who Plays Kim as the group marched away from the caves.

"Oh, I'm pretty much immortal, like Spike from Cowboy Bebop." The Man Who Plays Kim looked rather proud.

"Uh..." Shelby shut his mouth, preferring not to comment on that one.

* * *

You'll get that last joke if you've ever seen Cowboy Bebop. And if you haven't seen that amazing show, you should. It's my second favorite anime. Best. Cast. Of characters. Ever. And wow was this chapter on crack. 

Alright, chums, here's the deal. Collectively, you've done pretty well on the guessing contest thing from chapter 12. You're only missing two people and I made them the hardest ones. Only people who have been paying attention to Albel's quotes will get it. Or they know what video game series I play all the time.

Maybe you want to know the **prize**?

**Whoever PMs me or reviews first with all the right answers will get a choice. I will either write an entire story for them or make a drawing. Story (not a long one, mind you) or drawing (comic, if you'd like).We'll hammer out the details later, winner person!**

Right now, Commie Sky has guessed the most people.

**Angel of Atonement: **Vikings are cool, they were the original pirates. You made a Viking game? I want a Viking game since real pillaging is illegal in this state. I'll get to the Miss Saigon performance some day. Some day...

**Blue Persuasion: **I completely forgot about Latvia Latvia Lavtia'd Beryl. That is a huge inside joke with my chemistry class. Bunny stew sounds delicious. Right up there with venison, of course. Oddeye is my ultimate plot device. When he's not appearing in the story, he's usually sitting in the basement playing Mortal Kombat. Oh those dragons, they're so crazy!

**dark-pheonix1: **I'm completely serious, we should write a crazy story together! And I've been wanting to use that J for such a long time. I just had to pay homage to one of my heroes!

**Commie Sky: **Okay there, Commie, you pretty much nailed every character. But you didn't win. Besides, I already owe you a comic, which I am TOTALLY working on. It's called Burning Shark Armada. And we never watched Zim...

**Kikeri Ki: **Thank you very much! I guarantee that I shall at least reach Chapter 20!

**May Hidden Evil: **Nel wears the pants in the relationship. Occasionally Albel hits her in the head with stuff. Nel gets revenge. It's like the circle of life in this story.

**Relik: **Ahaha! I love Monty Python. I think I parody'd Holy Grail in one of the earlier chapters. I'm sorry, but Farleen doesn't seem to be able to die in this story.

**Sabaku no Ryu: **Actually, I am a huge Albel/Nel shipper (two of my other stories are Albel/Nel!) Luckily for you, though, this story has absolutely no focus so you only need to worry about the occasional hint of the pairing. And I love Naruto. Ninjas are pretty swell!

**I made a forum, check it out in my profile!**

Thank you for reading!

Peace out!


	14. BBTTBTBBQLOL

**BBTT Bonus Theater: Part TWO!**

**Wait...was there even a part one? **

**Actually, there was! **

**Never got posted though...it was _too _insane.**

Note: I would like to take the moment to apologize to Mr. James Fenimore Cooper, who will probably haunt me for the rest of my days. And you'll probably enjoy this BBTTBT more (I LOVE ACRONYMS!) if you've seen The Last of the Mohicans...

**

* * *

**

Albel, Shelby, and The Man Who Plays Kim ran in single file up a gigantic hill. Albel led the way until he tripped and rolled back down the hill after three hours of climbing. Shelby and The Man Who Plays Kim shrugged and continued onwards.

Meanwhile, Nel and Clair were being held captive by the Huron Warlord, Vox. Vox let out a cold laugh and shoved the two women to the ground in front of the Huron Chief, Arzei. Woltar would have been the chief but he had died two minutes earlier from a pelican related incident.

"I have brought you three prisoners," Vox began.

"I only count two, hon," Arzei exclaimed. Vox glanced around, his soldiers simply shrugged.

"What the hell happened to Major Schweimer?" Vox screeched.

* * *

British Major Schweimer was strung up above a fire. The French surrounded it with hungry eyes. There was also this Persian guy, but he was pretty much insignificant. Insignificant like Clair. And boy, is that insignificant. 

"You cook him up good!" the French General, Adray giggled. His troops giggled as well and they danced.

"I don't like this game," Schweimer whined.

"Shut up, pig dog," Roger snarled, poking Schweimer with a pointy stick.

"Hohohohohohoho!" the French cackled.

* * *

"The second I get these bindings off, I'm going to kill each and every one of you," Nel whispered. Clair clung to Nel, eyes bulging. This is the only thing Clair ever does.She looks really freaked out and quickly clings to the nearest human. 

"Okay, let's see, I think we should torch the girls," Vox suggested. "Since I totally want to eliminate Romero's seed from the earth."

"Shit! Romero's our dad?" Nel gasped. Clair's eye began to twitch.

"Yes! That accursed Colonel Romero pilfered all my chocolate in an English raid against my village!" Vox shook both fists.

"So you cut his heart out and ate it?" Nel asked.

"Hey. It's what I do," Vox replied.

"He did what?" Clair stared at Nel.

"Oh yeah, forgot to tell you while I was busy making out with Hawkeye..." Nel muttered.

* * *

Shelby and The Man Who Plays Kim finally reached the top of the hill and sat down for a moment to catch their breaths. 

Albel tapped both of them on their heads.

"WHAT!" Shelby roared, jumping to his feet.

"How the heck did'ya beat us up here, Albel?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked.

"Because I'm Hawkeye and I godmode ALL THE TIME!" Albel laughed!

"This is true," the other two men sighed.

* * *

"Chief Arzei, could you please decide how to handle the prisoners?" Vox pleaded. 

"Sorry dear, I forgot what I was supposed to be thinking about," Arzei chuckled. He stroked his chin and nodded his head. "Both ladies can be my concubines!"

"NO NEL! DON'T STAB YOURSELF!" Clair screamed, tackling Nel. Nel dropped her switchblade and started cursing.

"DUDE! You have to kill them," Vox shouted, throwing his arms in the air.

"But they're hot," Arzei said quietly.

By this time, the French had finished consuming Major Schweimer and were currently hunting Demetrio down. Unfortunately, the failed rap star managed to break dance away time after time.

"Grosse vache," Adray hissed. The audience should note that this is pretty much all the author knows how to say in French. The author has been taking Spanish for four years, which everyone knows is the opposite of French. Unfortunately, the author can only say codfish and pants in Spanish. The author knows that this is sad and hilarious all at the same. The author would like to say that taking four years of the language means four years of not learning it. Thank you.

"What's up guys?" Albel asked, randomly appearing next to Vox. Vox nearly choked to death.

"How'd you get here, scumbucket?" Vox shrieked.

"I killed everyone who got in my way, worm!" Albel wasn't kidding. The village behind him was burning and the cries of dying people filled the air.

"But did you really have to kill an entire village again?" Shelby asked.

"Yes." Albel's eyes narrowed.

"This is guy is a little bit loony," Arzei observed of Albel. "Tell ya what. We'll burn the red head and Vox can have the gray one."

"How does that benefit me?" Albel folded his arms and gave Arzei a death glare.

"Erm, you can have the gray one?"

Albel's hand slid towards the hilt of his sword and his lips curled into a terrible smile.

"Okay! Take 'em both!" Arzei dove off his chair. In a bizarre twist of fate, this means of escape also meant that Arzei had plunged off the side of a cliff. The audience should note that during this era, base jumping was all the rage anyways.

"Here," Albel spat, looking at Vox. He pushed Clair towards him. "No one likes her anyways."

"Damn you to hell, Hawkeye!" Clair screamed at Albel. Vox blinked. He was confused. But he grabbed Clair anyways and fled with his gang of idiots.

"Albel," Nel began, her hands shaking in fury.

"What?" Albel looked down at Nel.

"She was my sister! You can't give her away to that dolt!"

"She was annoying," Albel said. Shelby and The Man Who Plays Kim nodded from behind the swordsman.

"If you don't save her, I'll never make out with you again."

Albel's eyes widened.

* * *

"Why are you skipping?" Clair stared at Vox, who had indeed been skipping. 

"Don't judge me, you slut!"

"I am not a slut!"

"Slutssaywhat?"

"What?"

"You're a slut! Haha!"

"Ass!" Clair marching behind Vox, trying to kill him with her eyes.

"JUDO CHOP!" Shelby yelled, stabbing a random soldier in the face. He proceeded to do this to about five hundred people before reaching Vox. Then he saw Clair.

"You're here to save me?" Clair's eyes glazed over.

"No...I thought you were Nel. Even though we just rescued her. Man do I feel stupid right now..."

"I see." Clair and Shelby stared at each other.

"Um, sorry. I'll be leaving now." Shelby turned to leave. That's when Vox shot him in the back with a bazooka!

"I LIVED AS FEW MEN DARED TO DREEEEEEEEEAM!" Shelby fell off the edge of a cliff, which everyone was standing by. Clair inched towards the edge of the cliff to get a better view of Shelby's death.

"Hey, don't fall off," Vox said. Clair slipped on a rock, yelled a loud profanity, and sailed into the air and to her death at the bottom of the cliff.

"Maybe we shouldn't always be traveling next to cliffs," one soldier suggested. Vox nodded as he watched Clair splatter.

"DAMMIT! Clair died! Now I can never sex up Nel!" Albel dove on top of some random soldier and slit his throat. Albel then proceeded to kill about ten million people in this fashion. The Man Who Plays Kim freaked out when he saw Shelby die, for Shelby was really his son! The Man Who Plays Kim killed fifty thousand people before he found Vox.

"You killed my son," The Man Who Plays Kim bellowed. Vox let out a small squeak and ran for his life. Nel showed up after a few minutes and looked down to see her sister, who was extremely dead.

"Are you mad?" Albel asked quietly, looking at her and maiming people at the same time.

"..." Nel remained silent. Albel panicked and followed after The Man Who Plays Kim and Vox.

* * *

The Man Who Plays Kim was beating the crap out of Vox with The Blue Stick of Death. It was like a giant sword-club thing. It was awesome. And all of this happened in slow-motion. It was all magical and whatnot. And very, very, very pretty. 

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow," Vox said after every blow. Albel took the time to shoot two billion guys in the chest while wielding two rifles AT THE SAME TIME!

"You okay, adopted father?" Albel asked, staring at The Man Who Plays Kim.

"Busy. Right. Now."

"Gotcha." Albel killed atrillion more people while The Man Who Plays Kim finished Vox off.

"I am dead!" Vox exclaimed, falling over, blood pouring out of his body. The Man Who Plays Kim kicked him off the cliff.

"Done yet?" Albel glanced over at The Man Who Plays Kim.

"Yup. Let's go fetch your lover and stand on the edge of another cliff!"

"Will it be dramatic?" Albel looked concerned.

"Naturally!"

* * *

"And now, please smack my stupid son in the face, great spirits of my ancestors. He was a great dumbass to take on a zillion people on his own, knowing full well that me and Albel are the only ones who can godmode around here." The Man Who Plays Kim clapped his hands together and prayed. Albel and Nel stood to the side, wondering what to do. 

"AND NOW I, THE MAN WHO PLAYS KIM, AM THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS!" The Man Who Plays Kim cried. Then Albel shoved him off the cliff.

"Albel!" Nel was shocked. The Man Who Plays Kim exploded upon impact with the rocks below.

"Well, you know, he was old. And he was getting in the way of the make out session."

"You're a jerk!" Nel shoved Albel in the chest. Albel fell off the cliff and promptly died.

"Oops," Nel whispered, looking around nervously. "Oh well." Nel dove off the cliff and joined her lover in death.

It was touching, trust me.

* * *

I actually did very well on the test we had over this movie. 

By the way, this isn't a real update. But it was very fun to write. The next chapter will be about vampires and robots and flamenco dancers with lasers. But mostly not.

Contest update: No one has won. BlueTrillium accidentally mentioned one of the remaining two, though...

And I have a forum! It's lovely place, I tells ya!

**Al-Behd-Rikku: **I'm glad you like my story! Thanks for the review!

**BlueTrillium: **You're alive! And you actually tried to guess the characters. Well, you did guess one of them when you started talking about top hats. Maybe I need to give more hints, eh? So, counting that guy, you're only missing one other person... Hope ya get the parking permit. I know about those. I also know that year after year, countless lives are lost in the insane battle for parking permits. Unless you're a senior. The seniors get to sit back and watch the chaos. And I may be exaggerating a wee bit.

**Lucrecia LeVrai: **I'm amazed that I've gotten over a hundred reviews! I smiled when I realized that you made it 100 because I think I did the same thing for your story. And thank you for such a great review. It really inspires me to keep writing because itcan bevery difficult to write for this story. Thank you again.

**dark-pheonix1: **Exactly. That's the question I asked! Yes, update your fic. Precious insanity, muahahaha!

**Commie Sky: **I'm sorry I couldn't come to your house the other day. We actually had family come to our house and they stayed most of the day. And I'll try to have your comic finished by the end of break. Why do I have to be so easily distracted! Poop. Just poop. I'm glad you liked the last chapter, I feel like the chapters haven't been so good as of late.

**silver thorns: **Hehe, thank you! You don't want to be like me! I think you're cool!I love your writings! You rock, silver awesome thorns!Besides, I'm crazy and my only two career choices are world dictator and hobo. Or raptor voice actress.

**shinigami 656: **Aww, sorry. I just couldn't resist throwing the Spike joke in there. Thanks for the review! Here be an update!

**Kikeri Ki: **The Phantom of the Opera joke was plain old self mockery. This is because I haven't updated my other parody story in one thousand years. I think it involved chloroform or something. I should probably write more for that...probably...

**Angel of Atonement: **Cowboy Bebop is a really great series. You should watch it if you ever get the chance. The music is amazing and playing the opening song, Tank, is a must-know for saxophones at my school.

**Blue Persuasion: **I will tell you a secret. Back, when I was a young lass, I used to watch Voltron all the time. I was pretty much in love with it, yeah. I'm actually surprised I haven't actually used a Voltron joke yet, for it is so near and dear to my heart and easy to make fun of...and I can't believe I didn't think of that idea! Ahahaha, The Man Who Plays Kim would totally do that, too. There'd probably be a talking pink pony involved too.

A belated Merry Christmas to all y'all!

Thank you for reading!

Peace out!


	15. Everyone’s A Vampire But Me

**The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Aquarian Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Fourteen: Everyone's A Vampire But Me (AKA the longest chapter!)

* * *

**

"The Sister Ray is ready!" Tynave announced, standing in a tall tower beside a bloody flippin' huge cannon.

"That name is not originaaaaaaaaaal!" Farleen wailed from the base of the cannon.

"Shut up!" Clair screamed from beside Tynave. "As our references get more and more obscure, _they'll _be less likely to catch it!"

"But it's not obscure and stuff," Tynave muttered. Clair glared at her.

"Just press the damn button," Clair growled, folding her arms, a frown forming on her face.

"Alright, Farleen! For some bizarre reason, I have to press the button in the tower and you have to flip the switch next to the cannon all at the same time!" Tynave called down to Farleen. Farleen nodded enthusiastically!

"Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan do!"

"Target acquired," Lofn said from behind a small computer in the corner behind Clair and Tynave.

"Oh, hey, forgot about you. I was certain that you were a one time character!" Clair forgot her pity party and waved to Lofn. Lofn snarled.

"Where'd you get that...thing?" Tynave asked, giving the computer a curious look.

"I...found it..." Lofn replied, eyes glancing to the side.

"What's the target anyways?" Tynave looked towards Clair.

"You shall see! This is a test shot, by the way. We'll save the attack on Airyglyph for a more dramatic moment!" Clair threw her head back and cackled.

"We should use our ultimate weapon first you know, instead of sending the weaker minions and whatnot in to fight the enemy. Apparently you haven't read the Evil Overlord List." Tynave waved a finger at Clair. Clair went into pout mode.

"Fiiiiiiiiiring!" Farleen cried out. Tynave let out a small squeak and quickly slammed her fist into the giant red button...oh how great it felt to finally press the button. It was the great taboo...

And before another rant began, Farleen flipped the switch and the cannon began to charge. It took a good hour...

"This is boring as hell," Lofn groaned, losing another game on her computer. It was the skiing one where the yeti devours the skier's flesh at random moments and you can never, never, never, never avoid that damn yeti. Never. That yeti is the _bane _of my existence!

Without warning, the cannon fired, a deafening roar accompanying the blast. Farleen was literally blown away into the next county and the tower collapsed into pieces. The shot disappeared into the sky...

* * *

"Something's not right," Nel whispered, sitting next to Albel in the newly repaired meeting hall. It had been rebuilt using funding from the mysterious lock box that Albel hid somewhere in the building. It was his secret box. No one knew what was in it except Albel. 

"That's an understatement," Albel hissed, scribbling furiously on a piece of parchment in front of him. He was desperately attempting to readjust the Black Brigade's budget. He couldn't possibly fund the Theatrical department, even with more funds from the mysterious lock box (the box was lovingly referred to as 'Pancake' by Shelby. I don't know why. No one knows why. Shelby is just a twisted little man...). Also, they never went to Woltar's house. They just didn't. That plot had a knife fight with this plot and you can guess which one won.

"It's been very quiet since dinner," Nel began. Albel ignored her. Nel pondered how to pummel him.

"Ugh," Albel moaned, massaging his forehead with his claw. "D-dammit!" Blood dripped down from the scratches. "Bloody stupid habits!"

"Masochist," Nel said quietly.

"What was that, wench!" Albel snapped, glaring at the Crimson Blade.

"So when's the bake sale you're planning on having?" Nel skillfully changed the topic.

"I'm not falling for that! What did you say!"

"We could have a nude bake sale..."

"GAH!" Albel fell out of his chair.

"Yeeeep, it's that easy," Nel chuckled. Albel climbed back into his seat, a string of profanities pouring out of his mouth.

"I haven't planned it yet! The bake sale that is. No, uhm, nudity. But it seems if the Miss Saigon play is to go on, the bake sale must go on as well..." Albel dug his claws into the table, annoyance written over his face.

"I can take care of it," Nel offered.

"No."

"Why not?"

"You're _evil_..."

"Well, so are you!"

"I have to be evil! I'm the dark antihero of this tale!"

"You suck at being antihero, mister wuss-ass! I know how you work, Nox."

"Liar! Liar!" Oh how Albel desired to plunge his claws into throat and silence her forever. But he couldn't. It was because of the T rating. Which is actually a pretty lame excuse considering some of the other violent things that have already gone on.

"Sir Nox!" a familiar voice screamed from the hallway. The two warriors forgot their feud and looked up as The Man Who Plays Kim burst in through the doors.

"What's wrong, maggot?" Albel asked.

"Something is wrong with Shelby! He's been taking people's souls!" The Man Who Plays Kim leaned over, hands on his knees, panting from running so hard.

"Pshh, not like he hasn't done that before," Albel responded, seemingly undisturbed.

"You don't understand! That's only half of it! He keeps biting everyone turning them into vampires!" The Man Who Plays Kim stared up at Albel and Nel with fearful eyes.

"What! Since when could he do that!" Albel stomped over towards The Man Who Plays Kim and grabbed him by his neck.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeargh!"

* * *

_One hour earlier, Romero had been trotting along a dusty road when he ran into Shelby._

_"OMIGAWD!" Shelby screamed, falling to the ground._

_"Are you a girl?" Romero asked, raising his eyebrows._

_"I was. Once."_

_"Uh..." Romero frowned. "Oh well. A snack be a snack!"_

_Romero chomped down on Shelby's neck and left him in the middle of the road crying._

_"You're going to get fat, comaaaaander," Raxa reminded Romero. Raxa had been standing there watching the whole time._

_"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" Romero sprinted off, tears streaming down his face._

_"M'kay," Raxa muttered._

_"Gaaaaaawd, the paaaaaaaaaaaaaain!" Shelby rolled around in the dirt, flailing wildly._

_"Oh shut up, you pansy."_

* * *

"So Shelby is a Vampire Lord," Nel spoke. Albel was throttling The Man Who Plays Kim. "This might take a turn for the worse, he could come after us..." 

"Y-ye-yeaaah!" The Man Who Plays Kim gasped after Albel tossed him to the floor. Strangulation just wasn't as entertaining as it used to be. "The three of us are the only ones in the whole, newly rebuilt Kaaaaaaaaaroookukuku Training Facility who are still normal! The rest are blood thirsty vampires!"

"Simple pawns in this dark game," Albel whispered.

"He went this way!" A voice bellowed from outside the room. The Man Who Plays Kim squeaked and rushed to close the door.

"Found you!" An armored knight yelled, eyes glowing through his visored helm. The Man Who Plays Kim slammed the door on him. Loud cursing could be heard.

"What now!" The Man Who Plays Kim cried, backing away from the door. "Wait, we should be safe. Yes, unless they figured out how to open doors..."

The door clicked slightly and the handle slowly began to twist.

"OMFG!111oneoneone" The Man Who Plays Kim yelled in horror. "They're like raptors!"

"Of course they can open doors, worm," Albel spat, watching the scene unfold in front of him. The door swung open and three knights stepped in, a dark figure standing behind them.

"Shelby," Nel hissed, slowly drawing her daggers.

"You fools think you can defeat me?" Albel asked in an arrogant tone. Shelby's shoulders shook from laughter.

"Get 'em Sir Nox!" The Man Who Plays Kim crawled over to hide behind Albel. Albel rolled his eyes.

"You've underestimated me, Albel. I have two hundred soldiers at my disposal and soon more will join me. All exits from this room are blocked by my minions. You may slay a few but in the end, you'll all join me..." Shelby smiled, white fangs flashing in the dim light.

"You act more like a cockroach than a proper vampire. Left to your own devices you would cover the world in your filth. I can't stand your kind. You don't have the self-respect to be a vampire, you undead maggot. You barely even know what you are." Albel gave Shelby a psychotic smile.

"I swear to Apris you all just get more ignorant by the day," Nel sighed. Shelby's eyes fell upon her. He opened his mouth to speak but Nel cut him off. "Don't even give me that Bride of the Damned crap."

"Hmph!" Shelby hmph'd. "Have it your way, whore, I'll kill you both!" Shelby raised his hand and vampire knights began to fill the room.

"Both? You mean me and Nel?" The Man Who Plays Kim whimpered.

"I could care less about you! You're insignificant! Stop trying to bring yourself into the discussion!" Shelby shouted, clenching both fists.

"He called me a whore," Nel said slowly, dangerously. Albel stepped away from her nervously.

"And what are you going to do about it, trampslut!" Shelby's ego seemed to be growing by the minute. The Man Who Plays Kim let out a small cry and covered his eyes.

"Clearly she's not a whore, she hasn't slept with any of us," Steve said. "Unfortunately."

"Hmm, very regrettable," Albel muttered.

"What was that?" Nel asked, giving him a deadly look. Albel shrugged and looked away.

"Steve!" Shelby screeched, whirling around to see the annoying delivery idiot standing there, a stupid grin plastered on his stupid face.

"Yeah it's me."

"Why do you always randomly appear!"

"It's mah thing!"

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh right!" Demetrio sang.

"They're BOTH here!"

"Yes'm," the two morons responded.

"You two, slay them both," Shelby commanded, pointing at the two morons. Demetrio and Steve screamed in horror and ran like hell as two vampire knights gave chase. "Now then, where was I?"

"I'm going to bury you," Nel growled, flames flickering in her emerald eyes. She raised both hands, preparing to cast runology.

"Shall we run, Captain!" The Man Who Plays Kim stared up at Albel.

"No, fool. We make a tactical retreat, learn the lingo!" Albel glanced around the room, seeing no escape. But then he had an idea. "Nel! The Man Who Plays Kim stole your shampoo again!"

"WHAT!" Nel spun around. The Man Who Plays Kim let out a long cry as Nel flung a fire spell at his face. Then Albel kicked him out of the way and the spell collided with a wall, creating an extremely convenient escape hole.

"He was lying! I swear," The Man Who Plays Kim wept, giving Nel puppy eyes.

"I don't like puppies," Nel said.

"Well shit," The Man Who Plays Kim grumbled.

"Come on fools, did you not notice we have a perfectly good escape route now?" Albel and The Man Who Plays Kim dashed through the hole. Nel paused for a moment.

"Why are you just standing there?" Nel asked Shelby warily.

"Meh. I'm feeling a little lethargic today. You can run around for a bit, make fun of The Man Who Plays Kim, maybe a little sexual tension between you and the transvestite, you know? The usual stuff. I'll come kill you in a few." Shelby waved his hand in a circle, looking a little bored.

"..."

"Yes, I am rather kind, don't you think?"

"You're fat."

"Why thank-WHAT? What did you say!"

"You drank a lot of blood to get this army, right?"

"I-I-I'll kill you!"

"You should have known better to do all that feasting without some exercise."

"RAR!" Shelby attempted to fly into the air but landed and rolled across the room.

"Haha..." Nel hopped through the hole.

"We can follow you, ya know," a vampire soldier called, stepping towards the hole. Nel stopped and held out a bag.

"Ooo, a bag. The wench has a bag! Hohohoho!"

"Alucrab! Devour their entrails!" Nel ripped the bag open with a dagger and ran like hell.

The crab flew at the soldier and decapitated him. Then he danced on the poor man's body. The rest of the vampire army gasped in horror. Alucrab let out an evil crab laugh and plunged his claws into another soldier.

The bloodbath had begun...

* * *

"You released a vampire crab on vampire idiots?" Albel asked quietly. 

"Yes," Nel replied, nodding slightly.

"Does that work?" The Man Who Plays Kim looked confused.

"Well, I still hear screaming. So yes, I suppose it does."

"That's a little mean, Lady Nel."

"More like a little funny..."

"Come on worms, we have to get out of this hellhole."

"Are we going to Rio?" The Man Who Plays Kim hoped they were going to Rio.

"Where did that come from?"

"We're going to be made into vampire whores, aren't we?" The Man Who Plays Kim wiped tears from his eyes. "I don't want to be a whore...that'd make Shelby the pimp...NOOOOO!"

"Shut up, maggot. They'll hear us." The tres amigos crept through the dark Kaptainrhettbutler Training Facility.

"How can they hear us?" The Man Who Plays Kim just couldn't shut up.

"Listen. I know about vampires," Albel explained.

"How?" This time Nel piped up, giving Albel a suspicious look.

"I just know."

"That's a terrible explanation."

"Both of you...if you don't shut up..."

"BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW?" The Man Who Plays Kim poked Albel.

"Prepare yourself for an eternity in Hell," Albel roared before violently beating The Man Who Plays Kim.

"...I see," Nel said, hiding her face behind her scarf.

"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!"

"Hmm," Albel hmm'd. He was done pummeling The Man Who Plays Kim. It was just too easy. "You humans are incomprehensible."

"My spleeeeen," The Man Who Plays Kim moaned.

"You're acting a bit strange, Nox..." Indeed, Albel was acting a bit more crazy than usual.

"No...I'm not." Albel shifted his eyes back and forth.

"Integra!"

"WHERE!" Albel nearly fell over. "Aaahh!"

"Heh." Nel smiled slightly.

"Oh I see how it is..." Albel folded his arms. "I felt like I was watching a dream I'd never wake up from. Before I knew it, the dream was all over."

"My memory...finally came back, but nothing good came of it. There's no other place for me to return to. This is the only place I could go. And now you're leaving just like that! Why do you have to go? Where are you going? What are you going to do? Just throw away your life like it was nothing!" Nel blinked. "I suppose I deserved that."

"Yes. Yes you did."

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!" The Man Who Plays Kim stared at Nel and Albel. And then all the screaming got some vampire fella's attention.

"I heard something," a voice said. "Get Lord Shelby!"

"Let's go before they surround us again!" Nel sprinted off down the hallway. Albel took a few steps but turned and noticed that The Man Who Plays Kim hadn't moved.

"Come on, dead weight."

"You wounded me!"

"When has that stopped you?"

"I broke both my legs!"

"Well, that would make it a little difficult to run."

"Carry me!" The Man Who Plays Kim stretched him arms out, like a little kid waiting to be picked up.

"..."

"Pleeeeeeeeease!"

"..."

"Come on, Albel! We're like best friends, right?"

"No."

"Haha, nice joke. But come on, man, they're gonna be here any second and turn us into undead prostitutes."

"I'm going to Rio."

Albel turned around and walked into the shadows, braids swaying as he moved. The Man Who Plays Kim's jaw dropped.

"YOU SUCK, ALBEL," The Man Who Plays Kim called after him, shaking both fists. Then he jumped to his feet and broke out in song!

_Just like Cain and Abel  
You pulled a sneak attack  
I thought that we were brothers  
Then you stabbed me in the back  
Betrayed!  
Oh boy, I'm so betrayed!  
Like Samson and Delilah  
Your love began to fade  
I'm crying in the hoosegow  
You're in Rio getting laid!  
Betrayed!  
Let's face it, I'm betrayed!  
Boy, have I been taken  
Oy, I'm so forsaken  
I should have seen what came to pass  
I should have known to watch my ass!  
I feel like Othello  
Everything is lost  
Leo is Iago  
Max is double-crossed!  
I'm so dismayed  
Did I mention I'm betrayed?  
I used to be the king_  
_But now I am the fool  
A captain without a ship  
A rabbi without a shul!  
Now I'm about to go to jail  
There's no one who will pay my bail  
I have no one who I can cry to  
No one I can say goodbye to- _

"Will you SHUT UP? We're trying to leave you to die, maggot!"

"Oh, sorry," The Man Who Plays Kim squeaked. Then some vampires pounced on him and ate him. Poor kid.

* * *

There was silence. Everything was dark. 

Nel and Albel moved cautiously, struggling to find an exit that wasn't being guarded. Then they heard footsteps. They ducked into a short hallway. It was a dead end. Nel held a finger to her lips and pressed herself against a wall, trying to hide in the shadows. Albel did the same. The two watched as a vampire knight marched by. The vampire turned his head, gazing into the hall that the two were hiding in, surveying it with hungry eyes. Finding nothing interesting, the man turned and continued his patrol.

Albel let out a sigh and started to move, accidentally scraping his gauntlet against the stone wall behind him.

"Who's there!" a voice demanded. Heavy steps pounded from down the hall, growing closer. The two were trapped

Nel jerked her head in the direction of a window. Albel nodded and both swiftly made their way towards it. Nel leaned out of the window and saw a narrow ledge several feet below. She crawled out of the opening and hung from the frame.

"I can't reach the ledge," Nel whispered harshly, unable to touch the ledge below with her feet. Albel frowned and cast a glance behind him. No one had reached their hall yet but he could see shadows approaching the doorway.

Albel cursed and through himself out the window, catching the frame and swinging the rest of his body against the wall, barely reaching the ledge with his feet. He almost fell immediately, the ledge was only about two inches wide. Albel dug his claw into the stone for support. He held one hand against Nel's back and commanded her to let go. She did so reluctantly and fell the short distance to the ledge. Nel gripped Albel's arm, losing her balance.

"I thought you said you heard something," a man growled from above them.

"I swear I did," another voice said.

"Idiot. Come on, we still have to check the rest of the floor."

"Yeah..."

The footsteps fades away.

"Now what?" Nel whispered.

"We climb down," Albel said.

"There's no way we can." Nel looked down and shuddered slightly, realizing that they were at least five stories off the ground.

"I can climb down, using my claw. You'll just have to hold on to me-SHIT!"

Albel fell off the ledge and landed on a jagged rock that seemed to have been there for just the occasion.

"ALBEL! Are you alive?" Nel called. Then she slipped and fell off.

"I...I think I'm alright," Albel grumbled, slowly rising to his feet. Then Nel crashed down on top of him. "Nevermind...ugh..."

"Sorry," Nel said, immediately getting off of Albel. "But at least we're out of the vampire infested building."

"Uhhhh," Albel moaned, twitching slightly. "I knew we were in for another writing style change...oh such a painful change...never could stay serious..."

"Come on, Nox. We have to figure out how to get revenge now." Nel smiled down at Albel. Albel panicked.

"YOU HAVE FANGS!"

Nel shrugged.

"SINCE WHEN!"

"For awhile now." Nel brushed a stray strand of hair from her face.

"HOW!"

"Funny story..."

* * *

_Previously on The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe vs. The Aquarian Ninja Force:_

"_Now are you sure this will turn me into a raptor?" Nel asked a crazy old gypsy woman, holding up a strange vial of purple liquid._

"_Yeeeeehehehehehehehehe!"_

"_Okay..." Then Nel accidentally dropped the vial on the woman and her head exploded. Nel slowly backed out of the dead gypsy's tent and ran for it.

* * *

_

"I was wondering what happened to that extra vial of head-exploder I made a few chapters back," Albel thought aloud.

"Hey! Story time!"

"Right!"

* * *

_And then Nel ran straight the most badass vampire of all time._

"_RAR!" _

"_AH!"_

"_Oh sorry," Alucrab said with British accent. "Thought you were that wretched Vox fellow."_

"_You talk?" Nel was stunned._

"_Of course, dear. I've just chosen to limit my vocabulary to war cries. Until just now that is."_

"_Well this is certainly unexpected."_

"_So would you like to be a vampire?"_

"_That was a random segue."_

"_But I did it with a British accent! Therefore, it was an excellent segue."_

"_I agree!"_

"_Now then, you should be a vampire..."_

"_I can't believe I'm talking to a mutant crab."_

"_That's what most people say. Now back to the vampire deal."_

"_Isn't it bad to be a vampire?" Nel asked, raising an eyebrow._

"_NO. THAT IS A LIE. A COMMUNIST LIE."_

"_I see."_

"_Being a vampire brings you many advantages. You can have a free, 30 day trial if you'd like."_

"_Well, you _DO _have a British accent, and people with British accents have to be right, so I'll take it!"_

"_Wonderful. I'll just jab you with my claw."_

"_OW!"_

"_Sorry, that was a stab! But you'll be a vampire for 30 days. Come back if you'd like full membership."_

"_How can I only be a vampire for 30 days."_

"_BECAUSE YELLOW!"

* * *

_

"So you're a temporary vampire," Albel said.

"Yes."

"How much longer do you have?"

"30 days. That flashback only took place two hours ago."

"I see," Albel muttered. "Like being a vampire?"

"I really had wanted to be a raptor. Vampire is a bit of a let down."

"Mmmmyes."

"So what are we going to do about the HQ?" Nel asked.

"You set Alucrab free inside, right?"

"Right."

"We'll probably be able to go back in any minute now. And, seeing how you're pals with a deformed crab, we won't have to worry about getting mauled."

"Probably not. I think I ran into Alucrab when he was drunk...or something. Normally he kills everything he sees."

"I have an idea to get Alucrab out, then..."

* * *

The bear with a knife waddled through the night towards the entrance of the Kaptainalexrandall Training Facility. He paused and looked down at a note that had been impaled on his claws. 

**Dear Bear W/ Knife,**

**YO MOMMA SO FAT SHE FALLS DOWN AND TRIGGERS EARTHQUAKES!**

**Love,**

**Alucrab**

The bear growled and stomped through the gate. Albel and Nel watched from behind the jagged rock.

"My yo momma jokes never fail," Albel whispered in delight.

"Why do you even know those jokes?"

"I pity da fool who-"

"You're done talking, Nox. Let's watch."

Alucrab had spotted the bear with a knife and flew down to attack. The bear roared and took a swing at Alucrab as he approached.

"Bears and crabs...worst enemies," Nel chuckled.

The fight lasted for two minutes. But it was greatest fight in the history of fights. Tyler Durden would be freakin' proud man.

Alucrab had ended up fleeing the scene. The bear with a knife gave chase and the building was free for the taking. Albel and Nel strolled back in through the gate and winced. Bloodbath, indeed!

"Ugh," The Man Who Plays Kim squealed, crawling towards Albel and Nel. "They turned me into a newt! Then into a vampire!"

"Okay. But you have no fangs," Nel observed.

"Yeah. Some crab thing stabbed everyone and it reversed the vampire thing-y. So we're all normal now. And bleeding. Dear Apris, please get a doctor. We're all going to bleed to death. IT'S LIKE EBOLA LAND, MAN! GET SOME HELP."

The Man Who Plays Kim slumped over, comical Xs appearing over his eyes.

"That is amusing!" Albel pointed and laughed.

"Everything is back to normal," Nel announced.

"Except that you're a vampire."

"Are you sure? By our standards?"

"Yeah, that is normal. Everything could be on fire and it would be normal."

"What about Shelby?" Nel asked.

"I bet those alligators have been getting hungry..."

* * *

"SWEET NAVY GRAVY!" Vox threw his hands in the air. Schweimer leapt to his side. 

"What's wrong sir!"

Vox pointed to a smoking crater. "Something came from the sky and nailed my car!"

"Your what!"

"My car!"

"You can't have a car! That would create a time paradox!"

"You and your fancy pants words! Go smack your head against a tree, lemon pepper chicken eater!"

"Yes, sir!"

* * *

"Direct hit, Lady Claire," Tynave reported, holding a telescope. 

"Excellent," Claire cackled.

* * *

Holy snickerdoodles was that long (I actually cut a Cliff and Mirage piece out because this was way too long)! 

References: FF7, Hellsing, Cowboy Bebop, Gone With the Wind (great book! Captain Rhett Butler is the original bastard, I tell ya!), Shadow of the Moon (another favorite book of mine), Jurassic Park, The Producers, Fight Club...

**And it seems that BlueTrillium has won!** Sephiroth , Albedo, Seymour, Alucard, Kefka, and Naraku were the answers. Don't worry about Commie Sky, that one is always getting free comics and whatnot from me.

**Angel of Atonement: **Yeah...story... (shifty eyes) Surprisingly, there is an outline going all the way to chapter twenty for this story. Black Brigade Baking Brouhaha, Fear For Your Soul, The Charge of the Dumb Brigade, just a few of the titles for the next couple of chapters...

**Relik: **Practically everyone kicked the bucket in Hamlet. That's why I love Hamlet. Are you not an Al/Nel shipper? I personally like the pairing but I'm fine with the other ones as well. Thank for reviewing!

**Commie Sky: **I thought the Crucible was funny too. Then again we both have extremely twisted senses of humor. The funniest parts in The Last of the Mohicans were when Natty Bumppo flashed the auidience...he did that a lot. Oh Daniel Day-Lewis, you silly actor, you! You pretty much got half of the contest answers right, so if you want I'll draw you a picture or something...

**Blue Persuasion: **That would be scary if The Man Who Plays Kim was really Shelby's father...ODDEYE! Ahhhh! Don't stand next to cliffs! That's the point of Chapter 13! Haha, Grayskull.Good memories there.

**BlueTrillium: **The guitar-outta-the-head-trick was a reference to FLCL. Which is on crack. Seriously. Nel is practically invincible. Her one weakness is getting nailed in the head with blunt objects. And you counted up the number of dead! Wow...that is a grand number indeed! Ahhh, Evita, I'll probably spoof that eventually. And you did win the contest, despite stealing answers. You see, that's how you win these things, waiting for someone to post their answers and using those to your advantage. Now you can choose between a story, drawing, or comic. Whatever suits your fancy!

**dark-pheonix1: **My French friend taught me how to insult others in French. My Korean friend taught me how to insult others in Korean. My Japanese friend taught me how to insult others in Japanese. I can also do German, Spanish, and I hope to learn Guam-ese one day. My vocabulary of insults is grand! Codfish is Bacalao. Pants is pantelones. Counting to antelope is freakin' hard! And backwards? It took my forty centuries to learn to count to gooseberry jam and subract elk and trig-gnome-etry.

**lil-creator: **You fell off your chair? Well at least you didn't get stuck in it. Once I got stuck in a chair and they had to take it apart to get me out. It was not very fun. Not one bit.

Thanks for reading and Happy New Year.

Peace out!


	16. Romero’s Ultimate Revenge Show

**The Brouaha Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Alpaca Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Fifteen: Romero's Ultimate Revenge Show**

**Dedicated to Blue Persuasion, who drew a lovely picture titled 'Albelkins' of the young, gender confused Albel Nox. It is quite spectacular, I must say!**

**

* * *

**

"I've cancelled your next group therapy session, commodore," Raxa said, walking towards Romero, King of the Dumb. Romero blinked.

"Commodore?" Romero asked.

"I was trying to mix things up a little bit," Raxa admitted.

"I guess that works. Now leave me alone. It's time for my stories..."

"Are you really going to waste an entire day reading _Gone With the Wind_ again? You could finally take revenge on Arbel Nox!"

"Who the hell are you talking about? I want to kill Albel Nox! And Captain Rhett Butler is my goddamn hero! Isn't that right, Rhetty." Romero hugged the bright red book to his chest. "But now that you mention it..."

"Arbel? Albel? Arbel? Albel? What the deuce?"

"Silence, minion! Today is a fine day for evil!"

"Shall I fetch the mischief bag? I tossed a few C4s in there yesterday. We can blow up mountains and see if anyone notices!" Raxa liked explosions. Raxa liked them oh-so-much.

"Not today, Raxa. This is the day that Romero, King of the Dead, GETS HIS ULTIMATE REVENGE!" Romero leaned back and let out a high pitched cackle. Somewhere, a red-headed sorceress shuddered and then continued killing some insignificant bandits.

* * *

"Albel." 

"Nel."

"Albel."

"Nel."

"Albel!"

"Nel!"

"Albel! Don't."

"It's going to work, Nel."

"There it goes!"

"Not quite! Wait! Argh! Damn!"

"Ow! It landed on me. You were aiming, jerk!"

"Dammit! Don't hit me with it."

"You're the one who can't do it right!"

"Oh, and you could do it better?"

"I'm far more experienced. Clair and I used to do this all the time."

"What's your silly little secret then, woman?"

"You have to start out on top...it's easier!"

"Are you two still going at it?" Shelby asked, glancing into a room to see the Black Brigade Captain and the Crimson Blade locked in a furious duel.

In reality, they were playing Jenga.

Yup.

Jenga.

"Not anymore! Albel insisted on removing the bottom blocks first!" Nel gave Albel an annoyed look. Albel scowled.

"Only pansies take the higher blocks first."

"Better a pansy than a fool."

"Wench!"

"Transvestite!"

* * *

"Raxa, I know you can be useful when you want to be..." 

"Ahh, thanks chief."

"Shut up. I still hate you. What I was trying to say was...I think we'll need a little more help if we're going to pull this raid off," Romero explained. Raxa nodded.

"You have a bunch of demons to choose from. Who's it gonna be, boss?"

Romero pondered this for a moment. "Let's pay a quick visit to Pandemonium! Maybe Belial will be willing to lend a hand for once. But he is kind of lazy..."

"I KNEW IT! I knew you would go way of Milton!"

"Why am I not allowed to refer to Paradise Lost?" Romero clenched his fists, tired of listening to stupid Raxa.

"We swore never ever to refer to epic poems again! Now we're going to pretend this conversation never happened."

"You can't do that," Romero cried out. Raxa shrugged and started beating Romero over the head with a copy of Paradise Lost.

"This will learn ya!"

"Ow! OW! OW! Eeeeaaaaargghh! My livers! Ouch!

* * *

Farleen and Tynave sat at a table drinking tea. 

"Lovely day, no?"

"Yes, Soup."

* * *

"Alright. Got all the epic poem outta ya. Let's figure this revenge stuff out now," Raxa suggested. Romero hopped back to his feet and wiped a few spots of blood off his ominous cloak. 

"We can get Don Fernando from down the street to help us," Romero laughed, more or less forgetting that his own minion had thrashed him. Oh yes! Don Fernando, oh what a character that fellow was.

"Hola," Don Fernando said, appearing from the shadows. "Tengo un secreto. Un secreto...MUY IMPORTANTE."

"Yes, Don Fernando, we've all heard this before," Raxa and Romero sighed in unison.

"Here's the plan," Romero began. "We're going to send out my Armies of Impending Doom to raze the Kirlsa Training Facility."

"Rosario," Don Fernando whispered. Tears formed in his eyes and one spilled out and rolled down his ancient face. Don Fernando old. He put Woltar to shame.

"No, man! Enough of the Rosario crap! Get over her, okay? I need you and Raxa to lead the troops on their rampage whilst I can go off to finish the Black Brigade Captain myself." Romero took a deep breath and gazed at his two companions.

"Sorry, zoned out," Raxa muttered.

"Un secreto," Don Fernando grumbled.

"YOU WILL DO AS A I SAY! We're going pillaging!"

* * *

"I hate this game, too." 

"You're just mad because I've winning."

"You put fifteen hotels on Boardwalk and I've landed on it every time! Every bloody time!"

"Tough luck, Albel," Nel chuckled. Albel fumed.

* * *

Romero and his Armies of Impending Doom departed from their lair in Airyglyph, passing many a folk in the street. The people looked upon the lines of soldiers with great curiosity. And confusion. 

"Forgot to use the secret exit again, didn't you general?" Raxa asked.

"Oh shut up. It's not like any of these morons will figure out what's going on anyways."

"What about the king? Arzei?" Raxa pointed back towards the castle. Romero rolled his eyes.

"If that idiot king looks outside and sees us, he'll do nothing," Romero responded with confidence. Before Raxa could ask why, Romero signaled for Don Fernando to hold up the colors.

The blood red banner waved in the wind as it was raised above the demonic army.

In the center of the flag appeared a sickeningly cute pink bunny that smiled at the world...

"Perfect, commandeeeer," Raxa cheered.

* * *

"My liege, it appears if some foreign army has invaded Airyglyph," Duchess Vox reported to King Arzei. 

"I can see that, dear," Arzei replied, smiling happily. "But it's alright. They were obviously sent by the Divine Bunny Lord." Arzei stared out the window, spotted the banner again, and let out a happy sigh. Vox resisted the urge to commit regicide.

* * *

"Here men, burn this town to the ground. Leave no man, woman, or child alive," Romero commanded with a grim expression. He raised his arms in a grandiose fashion and let out another laugh. 

"Admiral, this isn't a town. This is a waterfall," Raxa said. Romero paused. Thousands of demons stared at Romero.

"I was...just kidding," Romero shouted, flashing a cheesy grin.

"Sure..."

"Quiet, minion!"

"Rosario!"

"Quiet, old man who stars on the Spanish drama calledDestinos!"

* * *

"What are you two playing now?" Shelby leaned over Albel and Nel, who were sitting around a small board. 

"We're playing Risk," Nel answered.

"She's cheating," Albel snarled, flipping the board over, sending game pieces flying.

"How is she cheating?" Shelby asked.

"She beat me in one single turn! How can anyone do that!"

"Easily, apparently," Nel mumbled.

"Stuff it, Zelpher-wench!"

* * *

"Ohhhh right! We finally razed the town." Romero watched as the flames destroyed the entire city. His soldiers marched around, setting fire to more buildings and stealing windowframes. 

"Mis hijos," Don Fernando bellowed.

"Sadly to say, Don Fernando is correct, chief. We just torched a ghost town." Raxa rubbed the back of his head nervously. Romero's eyes narrowed.

"What?" Romero whirled around to face Raxa.

"They went on vacation. There was a sign outside of town," Raxa explained.

"They all went on vacation?"

"Yes."

"All of them!"

"All of them."

"BLOODY HELL!"

"At least we did some property damage! It's gonna hurt the people who don't have fire insurance!" Raxa tried to make Romero feel better. Romero threw a hissy fit.

* * *

"Playing Scrabble, eh?" Shelby watched Nel and Albel. Both stared intently at the board below them. 

"Androgynous," Nel announced, grinning at Albel.

"That's not a word, wench!"

"I can use it in a sentence. Albel is androgynous."

"I know that you're making fun of me. I know it! I just know...where's the dictionary?"

"You burned it after misinterpreting the meaning of Fahrenheit 451."

* * *

"W-where are we?" Romero squinted around him, the bright sun blinding him. 

"That sign back there said Constantinople..."

* * *

The Man Who Plays Kim was busy putting up posters of Prince Lotor around his room. He stood back and smiled happily.

* * *

"And now?" Romero kicked the ground, fists clenched. 

"Colonel, darlin', orienteering just ain't your thing," Raxa grumbled. Romero looked murderous.

* * *

"Wait," Albel said suddenly. "I've reached an epiphany." 

"Oh really?" Nel was skeptical.

"I think that all our insults and all the violence...it's just some deranged form of flirting!"

"You're a dumbass!" Nel smacked Albel in the head.

* * *

"We're here at last! Kirlsa!" Romero exclaimed. 

"I think you're right, boss," Raxa said. The Armies of Impending Doom rushed around burning everything and spearing stuff. People ran around screaming but no one actually seemed to be dying.

"I can't believe we finally destroyed a town with actual people in it," Romero giggled. This was the greatest day in his life. "Now I have to hunt down Albel and...wait a second."

"Huh?" Raxa glanced up at his commander.

"We're being attacked and stuff!"

"Whooooooaaaaa! Do something Claaaaaair!"

"Hit them with sticks!"

"We're in AQUARIA!" Romero screamed, face turning bright red. Then Clair, Tynave, and Farleen attacked them with sticks. Pointy sticks.

And everybody knows that the only thing that can beat a Demonic Overlord is a pointy stick!

So Romero and his hoard promptly fled.

"I can't believe they destroyed Arias," Clair growled, folding her arms.

"We could blame this on Airyglyph," Tynave suggested. "Say Airyglyph attacked Arias and stuff."

"Tynave," Clair gasped. "That's brilliant!"

"Really?"

"Really! No one will ever know the truth...heh heh..."

* * *

"Listen, this is a treasured pastime in my country." 

"Your country is deranged."

"Just watch it."

"Fine."

"What is it this time?" Shelby was getting tired of asking Albel and Nel what they were doing.

"We're exploding grapes with batteries," Nel answered.

"Oooh! It bubbled," Albel squealed with delight.

* * *

"That was terrible," Romero sobbed. 

"Rosarioooooooooo," Don Fernando cried.

"But you razed two cities and found the elusive El Dorado."

"MEANINGLESS! I will not be fulfilled until I have Albel Nox's head on a pike!"

Raxa held up a fish.

"Don't you DARE make that joke!"

* * *

I have crazy news! I've been exiled to Washington (the state!) and my friend has been exiled to Montana (quite possibly a state!) and I can't remember the reason why! 

Okay. So that's not true at all.

But I am taking six exams next week so everything fun in life has been put on hold. I'm taking my hardest classes this year so I can get 'senioritis' next year without dying from it. Senioritis is an incurable disease characterized by extreme laziness and slacking. It's only deadly when the infected senior takes hard classes and gets screwed. I really want to graduate summa cum laude but I have to study like hell to get good scores this year. So don't expect any updates on anything for at least two weeks. It already took all week to get this chapter done because my school goes into crazy test mode right at the start of January.

In a stupid twist of fate, my golden birthday falls on the first day of exams (17 on the 17th woohoo!). What better way to celebrate my birthday! Exams are awesome! Yeah!

I'm going to die.

Thanks to **Demon Priestess Saturn, ****foxygirlchan**, **Zosocrowe**, **BlueTrillium**, **kiruchi**, **shinigami 656**, **Kikeri Ki**, **Commie Sky**, **Blue Persuasion**, and **Angel of Atonement **for reviewing last chapter!

Peace out for now.


	17. Black Brigade Baking Brouhaha

**The Bacalao Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The A-Team Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Sixteen: Black Brigade Baking Brouhaha**

**Dedicated to Mafia Sky, fan of Sasuke. May she never know that Anarchy Sky, fan of Itachi, wrote this chapter. Because Anarchy Sky doesn't like living in a world of pain.

* * *

**

"This is Cliff Fittir speaking. I am leaving this planet and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"

"Sir! If you do not surrender immediately, we will be forced to fire on your ship," a random Admiral yelled into paper cup with a string on the end.

"I doubt that, my friends. I've taken your President hostage!" Cliff spoke into a similar paper cup with string.

"He's right, sir! We've just received a report that the President has indeed been kidnaped!"

"Oooooh, butterscotch," the random Admiral spat. "You've won this time, Fittir!"

"We'll leave the President on Planet Wekeelu for you to pick him up."

"Not Wekeelu! They'll kill us!"

"Tough cookies," Cliff chuckled. Then he cut the string with scissors and the conversation was over. Cliff leaned back in his chair and sighed. "Are you happy now?"

"Yes," Mirage replied, holding a pistol to Cliff's head.

"Are you going to move the gun?" Cliff asked hopefully.

"Nope."

"Ah well. Which planet should we rob next? Lusitania? Trondheim? Eros? Was it Eros? I can't remember."

"...I was trying to forget all of that."

"It's hard to get things out of your mind-!"

"AHHH! YOU SAID IT!" Mirage screeched, which may have been out of character. Maybe.

"Huh? Mind tellin' me what I said?"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgghh!"

"Hey! I know what's wrong. Mind."

"Noooo!"

"Heehee. Children."

"Noooooo!"

"Children. Mind. Of the. Rearranged to get Children of the-"

"MOST DISAPPOINTING BOOK EVER!"

"Yes. Yes it was. Page 233. POOF!" Cliff shook his head slowly.

"I mean, seriously, who does that? Poof? Jeez Louise."

"Should we continue making fun of a book or shall we go pillage?"

"That's a hard choice. But seeing is how I'm trying to be a space pirate right now, I'd have to go with the pillaging."

"Fine choice, miss."

"Quiet. I didn't lock up the rest of Quark in a cupboard and force you to kidnap world leaders to be called miss! Call me Evil Empress Mirage."

"Kinky!"

Silence.

Gunshots echoed through the empty halls of the Diplo...

* * *

Albel Nox stood on his perch high above the rest of the Black Brigade. He had almost slipped off the battlements several times during his unnecessarily long rant and a large betting pool had been formed to guess when the swordsman would actually fall to his death. 

"And that's why we're having a bake sale," Albel announced, resting his hands on his hips.

"Huh?" The Black Brigade stared up at Albel. They hadn't been paying attention.

"Maggots! We need to raise money for the Entertainment budget! You haven't forgotten Miss Saigon, have you? Or the pottery classes!"

"OH!" The Black Brigade gasped in unison. They had forgotten. That was understandable though, considering all the weird crap that went down between Chapter Three and now...

"We must have the pottery classes," The Man Who Plays Kim whispered. Then he looked down and realized his pants had fallen down, exposing his Thundercat boxers to the world. "That's bizarre, that usually doesn't happen unless..."

No one was paying attention to The Man Who Plays Kim. Everyone was too busy mourning the loss of their pottery classes.

"OMIGAWD!" The Man Who Plays Kim wailed, throwing his hands into the air. "MAH BELT IS GONE! SOMEONE TOOK MAH BELT!"

"Your belt?" Shelby asked, one eyebrow shooting up.

"YEAH!" The Man Who Plays Kim was in tears. "It...had a smiley face buckle and it was made from cardboard and it goes along with my Prince Lotor outfit and I neeeeeed it!"

"Whatever," Shelby grunted, turning away to plot Albel's downfall again. The Man Who Plays Kim collapsed to his knees and cried for his lost belt.

"Yeah, anyways, we're going to spend all day whipping up some delicious baked goods and we'll sell them tomorrow in Kirlsa," Albel explained to his soldiers. They nodded, determined to get back their beloved pottery classes.

"Hey, Albel," Shelby called out. "Question?"

"Yes, meat-bag?"

"Did you...wait. Meat-bag? That's not in your vocabulary!"

"Worm."

"That's better. Anyways, did you stop to consider how many of our members have a cooking level over ten?"

"No. I don't think about what I do. Ever." Albel's eyes narrowed. Shelby sighed.

"Captain, anyone with a cooking level under ten can only make burning death for food. Most people don't like burning death pie. I sure don't like it. Tastes like muskrats."

"Well I have cooking level 16. I can make cookies!" Albel giggled slightly. The Black Brigade rolled their eyes. Today sure sucked. On the bright side, Albel was wearing pants today. But then again, Albel's Pants Days usually ended up with some kind of Apocalypse scenario unfolding. Which really wasn't that good. Oh well, Pants Days were Pants Days.

"Your cookies suck," Shelby muttered.

"What was that?" Albel asked, eyes flashing with anger. Shelby pointed to The Man Who Plays Kim. Albel folded his arms. "Psshh, I know he didn't insult me. And why are his pants down? Wait. Don't answer that. I don't want to know."

"He lost his belt, sir," some random guy answered.

"I SAID DON'T ANSWER THAT!" Albel's glare caused the man to spontaneously combust. Everyone stared in awe. "I can burn people with my mind...!"

"Bake sale!" Shelby yelled.

"Right!" Albel clapped his hands together, wincing slightly as he drew blood from his normal hand. "Damn claw...yeah!" And so he was easily distracted and forgot about exploding others with his eyes.

"We need Nel-witch," Shelby said. "She's the only one who can cook. If we don't sell anything, we're screwed."

"You don't care about the Entertainment budget, worm! You're only going along with it so you can steal funds to buy more dresses!"

"L-lies!" Shelby sprinted inside the HQ, leaving the rest of the unconvinced Black Brigade outside on the roof.

"The backstabbing fool makes a good point though," Albel muttered. "But I have a plan..."

* * *

"No." 

"Why not! The Man Who Plays Kim will be heartbroken to hear this sad response."

"I already offered to help out for the bake sale and you said no."

"I was joking! Can't you Aquarians take a bloody joke?"

"You also called me evil."

"But that statement has merit!"

"Don't care. You hurt my feelings," Nel said, leaning back in her chair, nursing a cup of tea in her hands.

"Since when do my words actually mean anything to you?" Albel asked, his frustration apparent.

"Never, really. I just like to be contrary is all. Plus it's very fun to spite you."

"Look, your cooking level is 30. You can make food that doesn't kill others!"

"Is that some sort of veiled compliment?"

"No. Uh, yes. Er, is that Earl Grey?" Albel pointed a clawed finger to the cup of tea in her hands.

"Yes."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"So you're still going to bake stuff, right?"

"Hmm..."

"Yes!" Albel jumped out of his own chair in delight. And then-

"Nope."

"WHAT!"

"Haha. Spite!"

"Damn you, wench! Bah, I don't need you anyways!"

"Oh you're completely screwed, Nox. Just swallow your pride and admit you want the fabulous Nel Zelpher, the Great Ninja Knifer Chick, to help you out...just make sure you say it exactly like that."

Albel had a small tantrum as he flailed his claw about, ripping his chair to shreds. Then he stomped out of the room and slammed the door shut.

"This will be interesting," Nel laughed as the angry footsteps died away.

* * *

"That is NOT a cake, that is a Cornish Game Hen." 

"He's right!"

Albel's eye twitched slightly as Shelby, The Man Who Plays Kim, and some other nameless buffoons attempted to cook a simple chocolate cake in the middle of the Black Brigade Kitchen.

"I know what a cake is," Shelby spat.

"That is sooooo not a cake. It's a bird," The Man Who Plays Kim hissed. He had managed to duct tape his pants so they stayed up. And no, he didn't stop to consider that time paradox either.

"I HATE YOU ALL!" Albel roared, throwing his head back. He readjusted his top hat, nearly losing it.

"What have you done, Sir Albel?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked, only the slightest trace of sarcasm in his voice.

"None of your business," Albel growled. A smug expression spread across Shelby's face. Albel beat the look off his face with a wooden spoon.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! My face! That spoon is for stirring! NOOOO! HE'S STIRRING MY FACE!"

"Silence!" Albel shoved the supposed cake down Shelby's throat. "With any luck, he'll choke and die."

"Yeah," The Man Who Plays Kim agreed. "So now what? Without Lady Nel we're doomed! And I need to be in Miss Saigon! It's my entire purpose in life! I mean, you've all just been calling me The Man Who Plays Kim since I took the role. You all forgot my name! I had a great name too! It was beautiful and glorious and no one remembers it! I'll tell you right now, my true name is-"

"ONLY I MAY RANT!" Albel shouted, whacking The Man Who Plays Kim over the head with the spoon.

"Look Sir Nox. We've managed to bake a pie!"

Albel glanced over to the unimportant minion speaker and nearly died. They were holding a pan with a fried badger sitting on top of it, covered in a strange glaze that caused it to glow neon orange. And it seemed to be smiling.

"He likes it," the minion gasped, taking Albel's silence as joy. Albel just shook his head.

"Oro," Albel sighed, plopping down to sit on the ground.

"Oro? Gold? Why are you talking in Spanish?" Shelby asked. He had managed to overcome the mutant cake. It was his greatest victory to date.

"Shelby is going off on one of those crazy trips again..."

"Shudup, oso perezoso!"

"What the hell does that even mean?"

"Enough Spanish! Listen, men," Albel began. Everyone was silent and they waited to hear their leader speak. "Failure is not an option. If we do not succeed in raising enough funds to for the budget, we will have resort to the old tactic of getting money..."

A shiver ran up everyone's spine. The old tactic was most horrifying!

"Yes. The Black Brigade Yearly Calendar. The most humiliating and disturbingly successful business venture in our history. If we fail here, we must do a little turn on the catwalk. Yeah on the catwalk, on the catwalk yeah, I do my little turn on the catwalk."

"NOT THAT!" The listeners bellowed!

"YES THAT! NOW GO BAKE AS YOUR LIVES DO INDEED DEPEND ON IT!" Albel dramatically extended his arms over his head, as if calling upon the divine power of IRON CHEF CHEN KENICHI!11oneoneone

Weeeee!

* * *

"We've failed completely," The Man Who Plays Kim whimpered. Albel, Shelby, and The Man Who Plays Kim sat at their booth in Kirlsa's marketplace. So far they had only one customer who bought the two surviving cookies Albel had baked the day before. 

"If only we had more of your cookies," Shelby said, poking a cake with a fork. It growled. Shelby cowered.

"I made ten dozen," Albel groaned. "But every time I went back to add more to the pile, most of them were gone! I think it was Nel. She would steal my cookies. Snicker Doodle Slut. That's what I should call her."

* * *

_The Day Before..._

_Duchess Vox sat outside the Kikikiriki Training Facility, waiting patiently below the window where Albel had been setting cookies to cool._

_Later that evening, Vox rolled back to Airyglyph._

"_I can't believe you ate that many cookies, sir," Schweimer said._

"_I think I'm going to explode!"_

"_Good heavens!"

* * *

_

"I don't want to be in the calendar again," The Man Who Plays Kim wept.

"Me neither," Shelby mumbled.

"Looks like your failure has given us no choice, worms," Albel spat. Out of every Black Brigade soldier, Albel held the greatest hatred for the accursed calendar. His fangirl to Albel ratio increased tenfold in the fangirl's favor after every calendar release.

And it made him homicidal.

Well...

More so.

"It's not our fault!" The Man Who Plays Kim wiped the tears from his eyes and glared at Albel. "We tried our hardest!"

"This isn't the time to grow a spine, maggot."

"There has to be something we can do," Shelby said desperately.

"Maybe I can help," Nel stated, appearing in front of the two men and Shelby.

"Zelpher," Albel barked, caught off guard. "You sabotaged us!"

"I didn't go anywhere near the kitchen last night," Nel responded.

"I don't believe you," Albel fired back. Nel frowned and hid her face behind her scarf.

"I'm here to help you, Nox,"she said quietly.

"I don't believe that either."

"Listen, I didn't do anything to ruin the bake sale! I actually have a plan to raise money fast."

Albel was hardly convinced.

"Nox!"

"Why should I trust you, huh? You've always gone out of your way to make my life hell. This is all part of your scheme to destroy me, isn't it?"

"No!"

"Go away, woman. You're scaring off customers..."

Albel turned his head away, focusing his attention on a very interesting wall that was definitely not Nel Zelpher.

"I thought you'd listen to me, Albel," Nel whispered. "I thought you would but..." Albel glanced up at her for moment, just in time to see a hurt look disappear behind the usual mask of indifference. She turned to leave when Albel spoke up again.

"Maybe..." Albel paused, watching Nel. She was waiting for him to continue. "Maybe I'll trust you after all."

"Fine," Nel said, spinning around to face him. "Want to know the plan?"

"Go ahead...Nel..."

"It's so cute," The Man Who Plays Kim whispered.

"What is?" Shelby hadn't been paying attention.

"They're having a moment!" The Man Who Plays Kim clasped his hands together and grinned.

"Shut up, maggots!"

"Sorry!"

"You need to come with me, Nox. The Man Who Plays Kim and Doofus can stay here and man the stand."

"Doofus? That's weak."

"I was trying to be nice you little-cross-dressing-whiney -Sasuke-whore," Nel shouted. She shook her fists in Shelby's direction.

"You did not just call me a Sasuke!"

"I did call you a Sasuke. I take back nothing!"

"Oohhh, buuuuurrrrn!"

"THERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU CAN' T TAKE BACK!"

"Let's go, Zelpher."

"Right..."

* * *

In some other universe, an annoying buffoon named Sasuke cried. "Annnnnnngst! Annnngst! Angst!" 

Itachi smacked him upside the head. "That's getting old, you pesky little transvestite!"

"I'm not, angst, a transvestite, aaaaaaaaaangst!"

"Those Naruto screencaps suggest otherwise!"

* * *

"So we made one million fol. That's enough to fund the entire Black Brigade budget, let alone the Entertainment department. The only question remaining is how Albel and Nel managed to raise this money..." The Man Who Plays Kim finished a random narration and looked over across the cafeteria. Albel was curled up in a small ball of angst (speaking of angst!) and no one dared go near him. Nel was eating Dragon-O cereal again. Maybe she would tell him what had happened. 

"Hi." Nel greeted The Man Who Plays Kim as he walked towards her.

"Hiya, Lady Nel! Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," Nel replied.

"How did you get all that money?"

"The money, you ask? It was very easy."

"Do tell!" The Man Who Plays Kim nodded his head excitedly.

"I forced Albel out of his shirt, tied him to a chair, and sold passes to Albel fangirls for one fol each so they could gaze upon him for ten seconds. After ten seconds they got booted from the room."

"One fol each...? And we made a million! That's genius!" The Man Who Plays Kim also wondered why they hadn't thought of that before.

Nel smiled. "I know."

Albel wept silent tears.

* * *

Chapter revised. Hoohaa.

Peace out.


	18. The Day TMWPK Got His Own Chapter

**The Baboon Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Antelope Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Seventeen: The Day The Man Who Plays Kim Got His Own Chapter**

Note: Italics part of The Man Who Plays Kim's diary...

**

* * *

**

_Today, I woke up and cleaned my room. It took me five hours to dust off my life-size Prince Lotor statue. I spent another hour looking for my belt. It has a happy face on it. It pulls my whole outfit together, really._

_And I'm pretty sure someone took it. I wrote down a list of suspects:_

_Sir Albel  
__Lady Nel  
__Shelbifina  
__The Man Who Plays Chris_

_Weeeeelll, I know for certain that Sir Albel wouldn't take it. The belt would most certainly clash with his purple skirt. Lady Nel is too nice to take my stuff so she couldn't have done it. Shelbifina seems to be the most obvious suspect. But I remembered that Sir Albel tied him to a bear. It wasn't the bear with a knife. It was the bear with a dull fork. Less dangerous. More ravenous. While Shelby was out having fun, I looked all over Shelby's room. Lots of dresses and nail polish but no belt. _

_So that leaves The Man Who Plays Chris. It's my goal to interrogate him today. JACK BAUER STYLE!__

* * *

_

"What are you doing, The Man Who Plays Kim?" Nel asked me during breakfast. There wasn't any cereal in the whole building so Nel and I were forced to eat waffles. They were pretty okay.

"Nothing," I replied innocently. I hoped she wouldn't notice. Some people tell me I'm a bad liar.

"Why is there a syringe sticking out of your pants?"

"Um."

"You're not going to interrogate anyone, are you?" Lady Nel is so smart.

"Ermmm, yeah, I am. I think The Man Who Plays Chris took my belt." In fact, I'm positive it was him. That little wretch is always trying to steal the spotlight from me.

"The Man Who Plays Chris?" Nel looked a little confused. "I've never heard of him."

"We don't talk about him," I said flatly. The Man Who Plays Chris is a jerk. I'm not surprised Nel doesn't know about him.

"Heh," she laughed. "Tell me, is there a The Man Who Plays Thuy?"

"No," I said. "It's The Woman Who Plays Thuy." (Thuy is a male character in Miss Saigon)

Nel stared at me blankly. "I thought you had no women here to act in your plays."

"That was true until last week. Sir Albel needed to use The Box Who Plays Thuy for skirt storage and we decided to have one of the maids play Thuy."

"You know, The Man Who Plays Kim, I've never seen a single maid in this building."

"They're always outside behind the training facility running speakeasies and number rackets. I also think they do some loan shark work on the side."

"..."

"Well it's true. The Woman Who Plays Thuy asked me if I wanted to get in on the deal."

"You're all insane."

* * *

_So I didn't get anything done yesterday. I spent most of my time explaining how Miss Saigon works here in the Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe to Nel. Then Albel came in wearing a fez on his head instead of that weird top hat he's been wearing recently. Umm, until the fez, I guess. Because now he's wearing that. Uh, yes._

_He said some stuff to Nel and she got mad. They fought for a few hours. Violently I might add. It ended when Nel slammed his face into an oven. Thankfully, The Killer Chef had just turned it off so it wasn't tooooo hot. _

_After that I forgot what I was doing so I went back to my room and read Batman comics. _

_But today is a new day and I've resolved to change my name to Boise, Idaho._

_Hurrah!

* * *

_

"Alright, The Man Who Plays Chris, tell me where my belt is!" I pressed the blade to his neck, only using enough force to draw the slightest drop of blood.

"I don't know," he gasped. I didn't trust him. He was a suspicious man, that The Man Who Plays Chris. He has this ratty little goatee and messy black hair tied in a stupid ponytail to hide his secret mullet. Also he wears sunglasses and if I've only learned one thing in life, it's not to trust anyone who wears sunglasses.

Unless they're orange aviators.

Those are cute.

"I will cut you," I growled, glaring down upon him with infinite hatred.

"Ask...The Woman Who Plays Thuy. Last I heard she was running the betting rings out back. Coulda...taken the belt and sold it."

Always trying to pin it on The Woman Who Plays Thuy. He really hates her. She really hates him. It actually makes sense for her to take my belt though. The Woman Who Plays Thuy is a kleptomaniac, after all.

"Listen you bastard," I hissed, "If I find out you lied to me, I'll come back. And I will hurt you."

Then I shot him in the leg with a crossbow because that's what Jack Bauer would have done. Plus it was evil and mean and Prince Lotor highly approves of that kinda thing. I left The Man Who Plays Chris, my arch rival, to bleed on the floor.

* * *

_Later at dinner, The Man Who Plays Chris gave me a mean look. I think he's still mad that I shot him. Lady Nel said most people are mad at you for quite some time after you shoot them._

_I think she was secretly referring to Sir Albel because Sir Albel wasn't sitting next to her at dinner like he usually does. I also think Lady Nel felt bad about burning Sir Albel's head because she had a top hat with her. She said she was going to give it to him but he never showed up to eat._

_It wasn't Sir Albel's hat though. The old top hat was black. This one had tiger stripes. So it was basically a pimp top hat. I liked it a lot. Lady Nel said I could have it if Sir Albel didn't show up soon._

_Lady Nel is so nice to me. Shelby always goes on and on about her evil ways. I don't agree with him. Lady Nel is my second best friend. Sir Albel is my first best friend. Even though he accidentally took my Prince Lotor skirt once by accident. _

_At least he didn't take my hot pants._

_Well, the day isn't over yet so I can still talk to The Woman Who Plays Thuy.

* * *

_

"The Man Who Plays Kim" Sir Albel said in his usual gruff voice.

"Yes sir?" I hopped over to him. He rolled his eyes.

"Have you seen Nel?" He was talking in such a low voice and it was very hard to hear him.

"Uh-huh. She had a present for you," I said happily. Presents always made me happy so Sir Albel would be happy too. Plus I think he likes Nel.

I mean really. I once read The Undisputed Ruler of Romance Novels, _Gone With the Wind_, and it was all there. They're totally going to get hitched.

Or be wrongfully imprisoned for murder and have a pet mouse and cure a bladder infection with _magic_.

Wait, wait, wait. Wrong book. D'oh.

"She has something for me?" The captain was surprised.

"Yep!"

"Is it a bomb?" He asked quickly.

"I don't think it was. But it could be. Lady Nel can turn anything into a deadly explosive, after all. Just like that time with the chocolate."

"Yeah, that," Sir Albel chuckled. That event had amused everyone. What we couldn't figure out was what happened to the explosive chocolate bars...

* * *

"Ah-hah! I've found my chocolate bars," Romero giggled, hugging the delicious treat to his chest. It responded by exploding.

* * *

"Wait, I seem to recall there being two rigged chocolate bars..."

* * *

Raxa stepped through the ruins of The King of the Dumb's lair. Then he spotted a glorious bar of heavenly chocolate. Raxa shoved it in his mouth. 

He exploded too.

* * *

"Heeey," I whispered to Sir Albel. "You should go talk to Lady Nel." 

"W-what! Shut up, maggot. My business is none of your concern." Then he ran in the other direction. I went to find The Woman Who Plays Thuy.

She was just around the next corner! How convenient!

"Howdy," The Woman Who Plays Thuy said. She's pretty okay but she always looks high or something. But not in the same way King Arzei does. That guy is totally trashed.

"Hiya, did you take my belt?" I asked, deciding to get to the point.

"Naaaah," The Woman Who Plays Kim sighed. "Maybe you'll find it if you go on a pilgrimage."

"Why would I do that?"

"Lotsa stuff happens when you go on pilgrimages. The only downside is those times when you have to fight the giant, bloated whale and play water polo on crack."

"Yeah, yeah. Where do I go to, then? To find my belt?"

The Woman Who Plays Thuy pondered this for a moment and then grinned. "Go to Dayton."

"Dayton!" I screamed, stunned by her answer. "There are a MILLION Daytons!"

"Yeah. Visit them all. After you go to the insignificant Daytons, go to the Mother of All Daytons."

"Can't I just go to the Mother of All Daytons first?"

"No you barefoot foolish fool! That would ruin the storyline!" The Woman Who Plays Thuy roared.

"Umm, which Dayton is the Mother of All Daytons?" Man, this was confusing.

"Ohhh, yeah. It's in the same state as Colum...something."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Holy shit."

"Yeah I know. It's a really complicated pilgrimage."

"Is it Columbia or Columbus?"

"Both. Um. Neither. One or the other. Or maybe it was Springfield..."

"WHAT THE HELL!"

"GO TO DAYTON YOU LITTLE WHORE!" The Woman Who Plays Thuy shook her fist at me and scampered off.

"Um. 'Kay."

* * *

_In the end, I opted not to go on a pilgrimage. The Woman Who Plays Thuy's idea was dumb as hell. I tried asking Lady Nel if she knew what city Dayton was close to before giving up all hope._

_She told me to try Salem or Fairview._

_Bloody hell!

* * *

_

The next day I found out that The Man Who Plays Chris and The Woman Who Plays Thuy had killed each other with battle axes over some feud they had back in the day.

Turns out The Man Who Plays Chris was named Edmond and The Woman Who Plays Thuy was Mercedes. They were two very bitter people. It was weird but no one really cared that they were gone. Only the maids were saddened because this Mercedes lady was really great at smuggling alcohol into the country.

She might have been aided by the fact that there wasn't actually any ban on alcohol but...

"The Man Who Plays Kim, what do you think?"

My head snapped up. Sir Albel looked down on me with impatience.

"Yellow, sir."

"A yellow box car, huh? Good, good." The captain marched off, talking to himself. That was normal.

"Find your belt yet?" Shelby asked, randomly appearing for the first time in days.

"No," I sighed. "But I think I'll forget about it in a few minutes. I tend to get distracted quite easily."

"I see."

"Mmmhmm."

"I'm bored."

"Me too, Shelbifina."

"Let's break out into song!"

Then Shelby and I did our version of the Cheers theme song. It rocked.

* * *

_I had to start a new diary. Demetrio snuck into my room and chewed up the old one. Oh well._

_I finally found out where Sir Albel had been sleeping since Lady Nel took his room. Even though the building was blown up and he had the chance to build a new room for himself, Sir Albel has taken to sleeping in the broom closet. Shelby told me this. Shelby also said that thisfact amused him because Sir Albel came out of the closet every day. Sometimes I don't get Shelby's jokes. _

_Finally, I got a letter today from someone whose name I don't recognize._

_This was the letter:_

**Dear Mr. The Man Who Plays Kim,**

**I KNOW YOU RIGGED MY CHOCOLATE! I'M GOING TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER LOVED AND TURN IT INTO FRIED CHICKEN! THEN I'LL FORCE YOU TO EAT THE FRIED CHICKEN BECAUSE IT WILL BE LIKE EATING EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR. BE PREPARED, YES, OUR** **TEETH AND AMBITIONS ARE BARED! BE PREPARED!**

**Love,  
****Romero, King of the Dead**

_I asked Sir Albel about the letter and it seemed to make him happy. He promised to address it in our next Spanish class. I don't get what this Romero dude has to do with Spanish but Sir Albel is a smart guy...

* * *

_

"Alright, so we've all read the letter. It contains Spanish. Can anyone locate the Spanish?" Sir Albel asked. I looked around and no one raised their hand. I didn't move either because I sure as hell didn't know the answer. This is because I took German in college. Shelby looked like he knew but he was dozing off again.

"Fine maggots, I'll use the word in a sentence. ¡Déme el romero o yo comeré su cara!" Sir Albel slammed a yardstick down on Shelby's desk. "What does that mean, sucka-fool!"

"Why are you forcing us to learn Spanish?" Shelby asked, looking up fearfully at Señor Nox.

"For the following joke!"

"Oh yes, the joke! Give me the rosemary or I'll eat your face? _Romero means_ _rosemary_? But I thought Romero meant zombie!"

"Haha, nope! Romero really does mean rosemary! From this day forward, Romero shall be referred to as Rosemary!"

* * *

"RAXA!" Romero squealed from atop his newly repaired Throne of Despair. 

"Yes'm?" Raxa queried, popping up out of nowhere. Both Raxa and Romero were covered in bandaged and staples after that whole exploding chocolate thing. The staples were there for show, though.

"I just had an ominous feeling," Romero whispered. "Like I had just been taken down another peg."

"Commmaaannndddeeeeeerrr, no one 'round here takes you seriously."

"It's not fair! I'm supposed to be an awesome villain that kills stuff all the time for no good reason!"

"Instead you mope around and eat chocolate," Raxa muttered.

"Perhaps if I skewered a few villagers and left their mutilated corpses on the doorstep of Crazy Old Man Woltar's house?"

"You're too lazy to do that, caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaptain."

"I could go stalk Albel and seduce him, his mother, and his dog! Then I'll turn them into chili! Or perhaps some clam chowder..." (I used that threat on Commie Sky once...)

"..."

"It's brilliant, no?"

"You know, that is so horribly twisted I have absolutely no witty remark to make."

"Score one for Romero!"

"Is your first name George?"

"No!"

* * *

_P.S. I also learned how to make lemon pepper chicken. It was yummy.

* * *

_

It's been awhile now since I've updated, huh? I've been in a terrible creative slump. Anywho, I've had so much work to take care of because junior year sucks and I've been filling out tons of job applications. Heh, I also have to go to physical therapy now because my right knee is basically evil. It's probably nothing bad. PT will just help it get better fast. Supposedly. Oh well, I bet a funny story or two will come of it. Then, when I least expect it, I get another nasty cold. I think my head is about to fall off. Aieeee...could be worse. Could be ebola.

By the way, _The Green Mile _and _Gone With the Wind _are two of my favorite books. They're lovely.

And the joke about Dayton, Columbus, Columbia, etc... Seriously, those places are every-freakin'-where. My own state is an example of this.

Peace out.


	19. Bag

**The Bleach Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Abarai Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Eighteen: Bag**

**

* * *

**

"Has anyone seen Albel?" Nel asked, glancing around the cafeteria. Shelby shrugged.

"If we're lucky, he was devoured by the squirrels," Shelby replied.

"That's asinine, Shelby."

"Not really." Shelby pointed out a window. Nel squinted but in the distance she could see several squirrels huddled in a circle at the base of a tree.

"That looks like...plotting. Are they plotting?"

"Most likely," Shelby muttered before eating some whale. The Crimson Blade stared out the window in awe. One of the squirrels saw her looking and told the others. They all ran behind the tree to continue scheming out of Nel's view.

"That's messed up."

"Not as messed up as The Man Who Plays Kim," a passing maid commented. Nel looked over at The Man Who Plays Kim. He was surrounded by several insignificant guards who kept waving their hands in front of his face.

"What's wrong with him now?" Nel groaned, walking towards them.

"Dunno," one man sighed. "He's been possessed before."

"He's possessed?" The Aquarian raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. Go ahead, The Man Who Plays Kim, tell her what you told us."

The Man Who Plays Kim's head slowly turned to face Nel. His eyes widened. He raised his index finger and wagged it back and forth. He screamed, "REDRUM!"

Nel smacked her hand against her forehead.

* * *

"What are you two doing?" Clair watched Tynave and Farleen as they dueled. 

"It's a rap battle, Lady Clair," Tynave responded.

"Aaaaaaaaaaand it's also a poetry fight," Farleen added with a smile.

"We wrote some angry food poetry and made a beat to it and stuff. Want to be a judge and stuff? My rap is called '_I Hate The Stuff On My Sandwich_'..."

"Why the hell not," Clair mumbled, sitting down to watch another fine display of stupidity. Tynave began the festivity while Farleen provided the beat.

"_I hate the ham,_

_I hate strawberry jam,_

_Lettuce is tight,_

_Ha, yeah right._

_Roast beef can go to hell,_

_I guess turkey is kinda swell,_

_Mustard,_

_Hey, that rhymes with custard._

_Ketchup (catsup) is no good,_

_Or grood,_

_Seriously._

_Okay?_"

Tynave stopped and grinned wildly.

"The end didn't rhyme," Clair said.

"GO TO HELL SKANK!" Tynave was rather angry. It might have been out of character.

"My tuuuuuuuurn!" Farleen prepared to sing and Tynave started a new beat. "It's called '_Everything Is Starbucks'_..."

"Dear Apris," Clair cried.

"_When I walk down the street,_

_To go buy socks for my feet,_

_I take a good look around,_

_Just go and guess what I found!_

_There was another bloody Starbucks_

_By the pond with the ducks,_

_I can hardly believe it,_

_Man, hardly believe it!_

_There are just too many coffee shops,_

_Howl and Michael were total fops,_

_That got nothing to do,_

_With what I'm singing to you!_

_I get so distracted,_

_It's sorta impacted,_

_The way they perceive me,_

_The person that I be!_

_It drives me bat-shit crazy,_

_Hey, look, a yellow daisy,_

_I can hardly believe it,_

_Man, hardly believe it!_"

Farleen ended the song with a wonderful jazz hands technique.

"Wasn't it supposed to be about Starbucks? And who the hell is Howl?"

"DON'T DO DRUUUUUUUUUUUGGGS!" Farleen promptly fell over.

"Well, since you're standing, Ty, you win," Clair announced in a bored voice.

"Hellz yeah!"

* * *

The Man Who Plays Kim was no longer possessed. Shelby had thrown a bag over his head and that seemed to do the trick. Unfortunately, the bag was now stuck on the poor idiot and no one could get it off. 

"We could get Lady Nel to help out," one guard suggested.

"Yeah but then she'd probably burn him in the process," Shelby said.

"NOOO!" The Man Who Plays Kim's screamed were muted by the bag but still loud enough to be amusing.

"Shut up, moron. We'll figure this out..."

* * *

"RAXA!" 

"Yes'm?" Raxa poked his head through the door and stared at his boss. Romero was sitting on his Bean Bag of Petty Revenge as a hoard of imps and stolen his Throne of Despair. Yeah.

"I've been thinking about remodeling the lair. I'd like more of a...spring look. Perhaps some blues. A light green, even."

"Chartreuse?"

"Anything but chartreuse."

"So, where we gonna get the supplies, commmmaaaaaander?"

"Let us go to our _LOCAL HARDWARE STORE_!"

Outside the lightning flashed and thunder boomed.

* * *

"Maybe if we use some scissors," Shelby thought aloud. That one guard held up a pair and proceeded to attack the bag covering The Man Who Plays Kim's head. The blades broke into thousands of pieces. 

"Holy guacamole."

"We need some serious help. Come on everyone, we're going to Kirlsa!" Shelby led the gang out the doors. The Man Who Played Kim followed behind rather slowly. He kept running into walls.

"Ow!"

"Will someone get a leash for him?"

* * *

"Kinky." 

"Um, sir, I don't think kinky is the word to describe it," Schweimer said.

"Hey! I'm the Captain around here and I sure as hell know what kinky means. When I say this new outfit looks kinky on me, I mean I look ten years younger!"

"Ohhhh..." Schweimer frowned. Vox sprinted out of his room.

"HEY EVERYONE! I'm KINKY!" Vox screamed down the hall. All the knights giggled. Schweimer dragged Vox back into his room.

"They laughed, Schweimy," Vox wept, throwing himself onto his bed and burying his face into a frilly, pink pillow.

"That's because they're ignorant, sir."

"Schweimy, you always know how to make me feel better."

"I'm glad you're feeling better, sir."

"Haha! I am much better! Let's start working on those new airship designs! I've figured it out, you know. Dragons are disobedient little bastards. A cold, heartless, metal flying device will work much better! We can bomb the K...K...umm..."

"What's wrong, sir?"

"What's that place called again. People call it so many different things."

"Apparently all the people on Elicoor are illiterate. The only person to correctly name the Keeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaw Training Facility was Lord Quincy Shalalalahahahaperu the Ninth."

"Yeah I really don't care. I just want to destroy _that man_!" Vox hissed.

"Ooohhh! Italics! Haven't used those on Albel Nox for a while!"

"Don't say _his _name!"

"Say who's name?" Schweimer asked.

"I WILL CUT YOU, SCUM BUCKET!"

* * *

"So that's how The Man Who Plays Kim got stuck in a bag," Shelby concluded, smiling grimly. 

"He wuz attacked by hobo gypsies and forced ta participate in a ceremonial dance that involved war masks but they ran out and gave 'em a bag?" Woltar repeated, looking skeptical.

"Yeah!" Everyone nodded their heads. Except The Man Who Plays Kim. He was tangled in his leash and soft whimpers could be heard from under the bag.

"Hold on a sec, damn kids! I gotta get mah boomstick!"

"What do you need that for?"

"Shootin'!" Woltar barked before shuffling back into the Storm Brigade HQ.

"I think we should leave," the one guard whispered. Shelby agreed and they ran away, dragging The Man Who Plays Kim along in the dust.

"Works every time," Woltar laughed, watching them leave from a window. Then he saw those two pesky kids sneak onto his lawn. The old man screamed and dove threw a window.

"He's BACK," the boy cried, immediately turning to flee. The girl was already long gone. Woltar shook his fist and went to go get all those glass shards taken out from his head.

* * *

Romero paced up and down the paint aisle. Raxa stood to the side, leaning on the shopping cart. He was bored. 

"This is preposterous! Who needs this many shades of white?" Romero was being indecisive.

"Maybe we should use wallpaper, eh commander?"

"NO! Wallpaper is for pansies!"

"My point exactly," Raxa grumbled.

"It seems that this _LOCAL HARDWARE STORE-_"

CRASH BOOM FLASH!

"Um. Well. I...has that been happening?" Romero glanced out the window.

"Yup." Raxa nodded his head repeatedly, for he had jumped on the paint shaker.

"_LOCAL HARDWARE STORE_!"

BANG CRACK WOOSH!

"That is soooo spiffy!"

* * *

"Black." 

"Counting."

"Black."

"Counting."

"Black."

"Counting!"

"Black!"

"COUNTING!"

"BLACK!"

"Both of you shut up," Nel commanded. The word 'Black' died on The Man Who Plays Kim's lips and Shelby slapped both his hands over his mouth.

"Since when did you get here Lady Nel?" The Man Who Plays Kim asked, sitting on the floor. He was still in the bag.

"I was looking for Albel. Still can't find him."

"Good," Shelby said.

"So why are you stuck in a bag, The Man Who Plays Kim?" Nel asked, turning towards him. The Man Who Plays Kim was greatly concerned that Nel's version of helping him would make him die.

"It's fashionable," he squeaked frantically.

"Figures," Nel sighed.

"Black," The Man Who Plays Kim whispered. Shelby's eyes narrowed.

"Counting..."

"Dammit! Dave Matthews! Now not another word!" Nel held up a dagger.

Both men shut up.

* * *

"Perhaps some curtains from this _LOCAL HARDWARE STORE_!" 

SHEBANG BANG MOOSE!

"Sir..."

"Doesn't this paint smell nice? I obtained it from the _LOCAL HARDWARE STORE_!"

ZEBRA FLASH APRICOT!

"Stop sniffing paint, commander!"

"Gyyaaaaaahhhravy! _LOCAL HARDWARE STORE_!"

RAR POKEMON KABLAM!

"Stop! It's running out of words to describe the lightning and thunder!"

"Poo," Romero sighed. "Such a downer you are."

"Listen, we have the paint and whatnot. Can we go back to the lair, now?"

"Fine."

"And..."

"And what, Raxa?"

"Can we get some ice cream on the way home!" Raxa's eyes widened and tears threatened to spill out of the corners.

"Oh Apris, not the puppy eyes."

_PUPPY EYES'D!_

"FINE! We'll get ice cream! But no double scoops or waffle cones for you, young...whatever you are!"

"Squeeee!"

* * *

After using a mallet, a chainsaw, a rug salesman, and a buffalo, Shelby and the guards still couldn't manage to get the bag off of The Man Who Plays Kim's head. 

"Please get it off me," The Man Who Plays Kim cried. Shelby tossed a hatchet handle to the side after the rest of it had shattered on the bag.

"Man, we might have to get Nel after all..."

"NO!"

"Do you want to be bagged for the rest of your meaningless life, idiot?" Shelby asked, wiping sweat from his forehead. He really was trying hard to free The Man Who Plays Kim.

"No..."

"Well then let's go find Nel. You, nameless guard, go fetch the Crimson Witch!" The guard sprinted out of the room.

"I'm still in the room," Nel said, arms folded.

Everyone turned to face her. "Oh."

"I can help you. Just hold still for a second." Nel did some crazy hand movement stuff and slapped The Man Who Plays Kim in the head. "BAG REMOVAL!" The bag flew off his head. It was rather anticlimatic.

"Wow, Lady Nel."

"Yeah. Aquarians have a spell for basically everything," Nel said.

"Hey guys, I forgot that Lady Nel was in here," the guard said, walking back in. The bag latched onto his face and refused to be pulled off. "HELPMEAHHHHHH!" The man rolled around screaming.

"Should I?" Nel pointed to the latest bag victim.

"Nah, he's nameless," The Man Who Plays Kim said. "And thank you, Lady Nel!"

"No problem," Nel replied, smiling slightly. "Now can someone please help me find Albel? I'm starting to get concerned..."

"Aha! You do have a thing for him!"

"No. I'm just concerned someone else has killed him before me. That just won't do," Nel said, tapping the hilt of her dagger. "Won't do at all."

* * *

Albel Albel Albel Nox. You didn't think he'd escape mention, did you? 

Now then...

Albel was holed up in his closet, furiously typing away on his laptop.

"La la la la la, checkin' mah myspace..."

A grin spread across the warrior's face. And then it all fell apart.

"TOM TOOK ME OFF THE TOP EIGHT! WHY GOD, WHY!"

Albel threw the laptop against the wall, breaking it into pieces. "I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR!" He wept uncontrollably.

Haha.

* * *

Sarah is my sister because we decided it should be so. I'm praying for her and her brother, Jeff, because he's leaving Seattle very soon for a little while... 

The lovely state of Washington once seemed so far away from the rainy state of Ohio. Not anymore. Not at all.

I'm praying and I'm hoping.

Adios.


	20. The History of Albel Nox

**The Burlap Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Argyle Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Nineteen: The History of Albel Nox

* * *

**

"So please explain to me, Nox. Why are you in the middle of Kirlsa at the Nox family mansion ripping through all the books in the library? And why the hell did you bring me! And how come we passed _hundreds _of Storm Brigade troops who have been ordered to kill me on sight without any trouble!"

"Shut up, woman! I'm busy!"

Nel groaned and settled for falling back into a comfortable lounge chair in the corner of the library. She watched as the Black Brigade Idiot flipped through the pages of various books, looking desperate at he did so.

"This is boring, Nox," Nel complained again. He spun around and glared at her half-heartedly. Albel's mind was elsewhere and his right eye was twitching wildly.

"If you're just going to bitch then go back to Aquaria, bitch," Albel growled, rubbing his forehead in frustration. Nel threw a book at him. It bounced off his head harmlessly.

"That's bullshit right there!" The Crimson Blade jumped up in outrage. "If that book had hit me in the head I would have been knocked out! Again!"

"Must be a gimmick," Albel muttered, shuffling over to another shelf to glance over its occupants.

Nel sighed. "Maybe we can get this over with faster if I help you." Albel failed to respond. "Nox, tell me what you're searching for and I'll help."

_Ignoooooooooooore!_

"I'M OFFERING TO HELP YOU WITHOUT ANY CATCH FOR ONCE!" Nel threw her hands above her head to emphasize her point.

_Lalalalalala, can't heeeeeeeear you!_

"This is insane," Nel grumbled, placing her hands on her hips.

_You totally don't exiiiiiist!_

Nel tapped her chin, wondering how to get Albel's attention.

_YAR!_

"Albel, I'm pregnant."

_That's the one!_

"SHIT!" Albel whirled around, eyes wide in horror. Then he slipped on an errant banana peel and crashed to the ground. He staggered to his feet, clinging to a bookshelf for balance.

"With a reaction like that you'd think _you_ were the _father_," Nel said, eyes narrowed.

"Who's the father!" Albel demanded.

"I was lying you idiot. But now that I have your attention would you mind telling me what we're here for?" Nel asked. Albel stared.

"Pregnant?" Albel's voice was very quiet.

"Albel."

"How can this be?"

"Albel!"

"With who!"

"You're losing focus, Nox!"

Albel's eyes crossed and his jaw dropped. "Does this mean you're really a whore after all!"

"Shelby's the father," Nel yelled. Albel let out a shriek before lunging across the room and grabbing her shoulders.

"WHY!"

"Okay, so you're paying attention now?"

"YES!"

"I'm lying."

"WHAT!"

"This is getting annoying. Are you listening?"

Albel nodded. His nose was barely an inch away from hers. She smacked him in the head.

"Get away, moron."

"What's going on!" Albel was _flabbergasted_...

"I am not pregnant. It was all a ploy to get your attention," Nel explained.

Albel blinked a few times before an arrogant smirk returned to his face. "If you wanted _that _sort of attention-"

"WHY THE HELL ARE WE HERE!" Nel unsheathed one of her daggers and raised it threateningly. The Glyphian dove behind the chair.

A few minutes passed before he poked his head out from behind his makeshift shield. "Nel," he began calmly. She folded her arms. "I know I'm extremely irresistible but making up lies won't get you into my skirt!"

He let out a scream as he ducked to avoid a fire spell that shot over his head. "Damn! Okay, okay!"

"Are you done yet?" The Aquarian looked murderous. Albel swallowed, fearing for his life. He nodded slowly as he rose to his feet.

"Uh, we're here so I can research my family history."

Nel gave him a blank stare. "What."

"I was suddenly concerned about my ancestors is all," Albel whispered.

"There has to be a reason for this," Nel said. "And if you don't tell me why-"

"Romero sent me a letter," Albel replied frantically.

"Really? Let me see." Albel pulled a piece of paper out of his skirt pocket and handed it to the red-head.

**Dear Albel Nox,**

**I AM YOUR FATHER. No, wait. It's already been established that Glou is really your biological father. Oh! I know. I AM YOUR GRANDFATHER!**

**MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**Snap!**

**Love,**

**Romero, King of the Dead, Grandpapa of Albel Nox**

"And you believed it?" Nel's eyebrows shot up in disbelief. Albel shrugged embarrassedly.

"In a terrible way, it sort of makes sense that I would be related to a demon king," Albel suggested. "You know, with my wicked nature and all that jazz."

"No, it makes sense that you'd be related to a horrendously pathetic demon idiot with one equally pathetic minion who serves him for no apparent reason. And the only loyal minion you have is The Man Who Plays Kim and he's your version of Raxa. So there."

"That's mean."

"You're annoying and he's annoying. It's a solid case."

Albel pouted. "Using your lovely Aquarian logic would mean that we'd all be related to the King of the Dumb."

"Shit," Nel gasped. "You're right! Except for me, that is."

"Whatever, fool."

"But still, do you honestly think that Romero has ever gotten laid?"

"Maybe his minion is secretly a woman," Albel thought aloud. Then he shuddered. "Wait, if Dr. Evil could spawn a son then..."

"The answer is no, Albel. Hell no. Let's go back to the base and forget about Romero's insane ranting."

"I guess." Albel shuffled along after Nel. Then he saw a familiar textbook before he exited the room. "Hey, it's one of my old medical books from med school!"

"Medicine?" Nel looked back at him. "You mean to tell me that Albel the Wicked once aspired to be a doctor?"

"Yes. I've always wanted to terrorize patients! Muahaha, weak diseased fools!"

"Dear Apris..." Nel rolled her eyes. "So why aren't you a doctor now?"

"I would tell you outright, but I think this calls for another foray into the past of Albel Nox! Do your thing narrator!"

_You're not supposed to refer to me!_

"Whoops!"

* * *

_A slightly younger version of Albel Nox trudged along the sidewalk on his way to Monday's morning class._

"_Hey, Arbel," a despicable voice called out. Albel winced and quickened his pace._

"_Arrrrrrrrbel!"_

"_MY NAME IS ALBEL, MAGGOT!" Albel turned around and slammed into Shelby. Shelby fell backwards and landed on his head. A pool of blood began to form._

"_Oh," Albel said. "Too bad I'm one day away from graduating from medical school. It means I can't help you! Muahahahahaha!" Soon to be Dr. Nox skipped away in a homicidal fashion, proving once and for all that it was very possible to skip in a homicidal fashion!_

_After walking a short way, he burst through the doors of a desolate looking building and marched to his class. He was twenty minutes late, as usual._

"_Mr. Nox," the professor sighed. "I thought I warned you."_

_Albel held up his claw hand and grinned wickedly. _

"_Nevermind." _

_Rumor on campus was that Albel had butchered the last professor who dared to fail him on an assignment. And another professor, who had been trying to get him expelled, mysteriously appeared floating in the river last week. The students held their breaths as the bloodthirsty med student climbed the stairs and plopped down into his seat. Then Albel fell asleep._

_Everyone let out a collective sigh of relief._

"_Alright, today we're going to dissect blah blah blah blah blah blaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!"_

_A few minutes later, Albel woke up and heard the end of the professor's rules of dissection speech. _

"_Bah, that's easy," Albel announced, standing up. The freshman next to him screeched in horror as Albel pulled out the next best thing to the Crimson Scourge, the Mauve Menace, and proceeded to..._

_**CONTENT CENSORED DUE TO GRAPHIC M-RATED VIOLENCE.

* * *

**_

"That's horrible, Nox! You dissected a freshman!"

"But that's not why I got kicked out of school," Albel said.

* * *

_Albel Nox chewed some delicious grape flavored gum, occasionally looking up to see what was going on. Then he decided to blow a bubble. _

_The deafening pop echoed in the large room, causing every head (that hadn't been taken off during dissection day) to turn towards him._

"_Albel Nox! No gum in class! We have a zero tolerance policy here!"

* * *

_

"You were expelled for chewing gum?"

"Yes." Albel closed his eyes and bit his lip. "It was a hard time for me."

There was a long pause.

"Want to know how I failed out of law school?" Albel asked cheerfully.

"No," Nel said. "Can we go back?"

* * *

"_Today we'll be practicing a mock trial. Mr. Nox, would you like to be the judge?"_

"_Fine," Albel groaned as he took his place in front of the room. He zoned out as Blah Blah and Whozawatsit went on with their stupid little trial._

_Then he realized that he was supposed to deliver his ruling. Everyone waited patiently with happy smiles on their faces. _

"_Guilty. Punishment: death." Albel smiledwildly. _

"_Albel, this was a misdemeanor," Shelby the defense screamed._

"_Judge, jury, and _executioner_," Albel laughed. He glanced at Shelby. "Starting with you."

* * *

_

"I killed most of that year's graduating class. Shelby survived somehow." Albel clenched his claw.

"You were expelled for killing future lawyers, then?"

"No, actually. Another university was so impressed by my efforts that they gave me a free ride. I was celebrated for offing the lawyers. I began attending a new school and decided to become a teacher."

"That's worse than anything else. Corrupting the minds of the Elicoorian youth..."

"Nope, I dropped out of college and joined the military. I didn't think teaching was my thing."

Nel was surprised. "You didn't murder anyone?"

"No," Albel answered. "And now you know why I'm here today!"

"Nox," Nel muttered. "No one ever cared."

* * *

I read Aquios High and was inspired! Heh, I hope you like, Myst! Also, this entire chapter was written in between 1AM and 3AM. Ow. 

All the med school law school edumahkayshun junk is just the offspring of a high school senior who has been spending tons of time doing pre-college junk. Too much time. More ow.

Also, I used to have teachers who were insane about the no gum policy. The one woman could pick you out at an assembly of four hundred kids even if you weren't moving your jaw. I am still in awe.

Adios for now!

* * *

"Wait a goddamn minute here," Romero roared. "You can't do this to me!" 

"Who you talkin' to, boss?" Raxa asked, lazily opening one eye to observe his rabid commander.

"I am ALWAYS getting picked on! I've had enough!" Romero placed both hands on his hips and scowled.

_He's getting rebellious._

"I suppose you're right," Raxa sighed before falling back asleep in the corner of Romero's throne room/leaky basement.

"I'm constantly being portrayed in a negative light! Nothing good ever happens to me! And...and...someone took my chocolate again!"

Raxa must have been having a nightmare. He was running in his sleep.

"Are you listening!" Romero shook a fist at the ceiling.

_Nope._

"What!"

_I swore that I wouldn't interrupt my own stories._

"But you have no boundaries when you come to writing! It's a wonder you haven't been flamed by now! I call upon the Romero fans to flame the author of this story!"

_Not to be mean or anything...but I don't think you have fans._

Romero gasped in horror!

_I guess you do deserve a break. You have a harder time than Albel, after all, and he's the Beating Stick._

"Thank you!"

_So what do ya want, Rosemary?_

"It's Romero!"

_Don't get sassy with me, kid._

"Fine. Um, I guess I do want one thing."

_Yeah?_

"I want to get laid," Romero said.

_Wow._

"Yeah, my wishes are awesome."

_I don't think even I have the power to make anyone like you, let alone sleep with you. Maybe, I dunno, Raxa? Steve? _

"They are men! Well, I think."

_No one really knows for sure in this story. Man, not even me. I make everything up as I go._

"Figures. So what should I do?"

_Well, I'm free!_

Romero coughed violently. "WHAT!"

_I mean I'm available. Where do you want to meet, kid?_

"I...I...I TAKE IT BACK!"

Romero sprinted out of the room.

_Damn.

* * *

_

"Damn," Luther hissed, slamming the microphone down. Blair walked into the room and gave him a weird look.

"Were you hitting on people in the Eternal Sphere again?"

"NO I WASN'T!"

"Luther, Luther, Luther," Blair groaned, shaking her head.

"I was telling some people that I was the 'author' and I 'wrote' the 'story' of LIFE," Luther explained nervously. "One guy even called me 'narrator'."

"Luther, that's total crap."

"What if it's true for us? What if there's someone out there writing our story as they please? What if they are trying to pair us with _toasters_!"

Suddenly, the Space Needle impaled Luther, stopping him from finishing his speech!

* * *

Gotcha! There we go. That's a much better ending. 

Thank you for reading! AlbelToaster forever!

Peace out!


	21. BBTTBTROFLz0rz

**BBTT Bonus Theater: Part EIGHT!**

**Because numerical order is overrated!**

Note: Apologies go out to the creators of The Slayers, Rurouni Kenshin, and Host Club._ But not you, Mr. John Milton. You know what you did, mister! Epic poem this!_

_**Significant Announcement Time: I'll be accepting prompts for chapter 23! Details at the end, yo!**_

Yay?

* * *

**BBTT Bonus Theater!  
****Episode 124: The Slayers (Because I love it that much)**

"Why are we doing this again, Nel?" Shelby, wielder of the Sword of Light asked, glancing down at his companion.

"It's called revenge, Shelby," Nel snapped. "No one calls the beautiful genius sorceress Nel Zelpher flat-chested and gets away with it! So step back because if ya don't move I'm blasting you too!"

"But they were, umm, sort of right..."

Nel shot him a death glare.

"I mean go right on ahead," Shelby squeaked.

Nel was notorious for destroying everything that pissed her off. Things such as ethics and morality were only meaningless words to her. Shelby panicked and wisely dove for cover.

The sorceress closed her eyes and prepared to cast her favorite spell. "_Darkness from twilight, crimson from blood that flows; buried in the flow of time; in Thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness! Those who oppose us shall be destroyed by the power you and I possess! Dragon Slave!_"

Within seconds, the poor bandit camp was literally blown away into oblivion. Nel folded her arms, a satisfied grin forming on her lips as she watched a mushroom cloud rise above her target.

"Crazy Bandit Killer," Shelby grumbled. Nel's head snapped around and her eyes narrowed as they fell upon Shelby.

"What was that?"

"N-nothing." Shelby wasn't famous for his intelligence but he did know when to shut up.

"Nel," a gruff voice barked. A tall man shrouded in a slightly burnt tan cloak sprinted up towards the woman, eyes burning with anger. "Did you forget I had been captured by those bandits! You ruined the whole place without even rescuing me or The Man Who Plays Kim."

"Ah, don't get so worked up, Albel. You're a chimera. A little fire shouldn't harm you at all," Nel replied, trying to make light of the matter.

"A _little _fire!" Albel jerked his thumb back towards the bandit camp...or should I say towering inferno?

"But you're okay and that's all that matters!" Nel gave Albel a thumbs up. Albel growled.

"NEELLL!" The unfortunate The Man Who Plays Kim crawled his way towards the group, gasping for air. "That was NOT an act of justice!"

"Of course it was. Those horrible bandits had been harassing the town on the other side of the mountains for years. We helped the town out, you see?" Nel was starting to get annoyed with having to explain why she blew up something again.

"I suppose that works," The Man Who Plays Kim mumbled.

"Nel..." Albel groaned. "You set that town on fire after finding out all the restaurants had no empty tables."

"I was hungry and didn't want to wait," Nel moaned, hands clenching into fists.

"You should think before you act, Nel," Shelby advised.

"Shut up! You're one to talk!"

"Let's just pretend this never happened and move on, alright?" Albel suggested.

"That sounds good," the rest of the gang answered.

"Ahhh, inflicting massive property damage again, I see," an annoying voice said. A tall man stood behind the travelers, an obnoxious smirk plastered on his face. The infamous Trickster Priest, Duke Vox, hopped right next to Nel.

"Duchess Vox," Nel hissed. "Where have you been?"

Duke Vox squinted at her, pondering her words. Then his smile widened and he wagged his index finger. "Now thaaaaat...is a secret!"

"You ran away in the middle of our fight against the Lord of Darkness, Ruby-Eyed Arzei-anigdu," Albel shouted.

"You slunk off during the battle with Copy Clair. Damn Copy Clair. Pretending to be blind...then kicking our asses. Oh well, got her in the end," Nel grumbled.

"You disappeared right before we attacked Hellmaster Demetrio," The Man Who Plays Kim commented, highly disappointed in Duke Vox.

"You snuck away when we began fighting Chaos-Dragon Oddeye," Shelby said.

"No I didn't," Duke Vox responded. Everyone stared at him. "Wait, was I even an established character when some of those battles took place?"

"YOU TRASH!" Everyone spun around as they heard another person yell. It was the Golden Dragon Priestess, Schweimer. He ran up to Vox and beat him over the head with a mace.

"What the hell?" Nel appeared confused. "It's like a reunion of everyone we ever knew."

"Only one person is missing..." Albel closed his eyes...

"Shelby dearest!" A woman appeared in the distance.

"NO! NOT HER!" Shelby panicked and dove for cover for the eighth time in five minutes.

"The most annoying member of the cast," Nel whispered. "Ameena..."

"Let's run for it!" Vox followed his own advice and sprinted the other way. The rest quickly followed. Ameena cried as she saw them leave.

"Everyone hates me," Ameena wept. Then the Ancient Dragon, Tynave-gaav ate her. The world rejoiced. Then Tynave-gaav angsted because, well, that's basically what she did most of the time anyways.

By the time the viewpoint switched back to Nel and company, she had killed all of them except Albel and Shelby.

"That was random," Shelby said.

"Quite," Albel added.

"They deserved to be fireball'd." Nel kicked The Man Who Plays Kim's charred body. "Serves ya right, Champion of Justice."

"Now what?" Shelby asked, scratching his head.

"Well, seeing is how I'm left with the two guys I'm most commonly paired up with..."

"What! Shelby?" Albel's eyebrows shot up.

"We're going by Slayers pairings, hon," Nel explained.

"Right..." Albel rolled his eyes. Shelby looked delighted. He and Nel were practically the canon couple!

"Too bad the author supports the Lina/Zel pairing! Suck it!" Nel stabbed Shelby. He died.

"Is this going to end like the time we parodied The Last of the Mohicans?" Albel asked.

"Let's wait and see," Nel said.

They waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

"I think I'm going to practice Giga Slave," Nel announced. And she did. Sadly, she was possessed and went berserk, killing everything that existed in the entire universe. And then multiverse, too. Just because.

Everyone was dead and no one was surprised.

_Nel Zelpher as Lina Inverse  
__Shelby the Pansy as Gourry Gabriev  
__Albel Nox as Zelgadiss Graywords (Crispin Freeman strikes twice!)  
__The Man Who Plays Kim as Amelia wil Tesla Saillune  
__Duchess Vox as Xellos Metallium  
__Schweimer the Ambiguous as Filia ul Copt  
__Tynave the Stoner as Valgaav the Bird Dragon  
__Ameena/Sophia/Aeris as Sylphiel Nels Lahda...who I just plain hate_.

_(P.S. Almost every Lina shipping is cool. This is because Lina Inverse is just that badass.)

* * *

_

**BBTT Bonus Theater!  
****Episode 562: Rurouni Kenshin**

_Featuring:_

_Fayt as Kenshin  
__Nel as Kaoru  
__Cliff as Sanosuke  
__Peppita as Misao  
__Maria as Megumi  
__Adray as Yahiko  
__Luther as Shishio  
__Romero as Aoishi  
__Shelby as Saito  
__Sophia as Yumi  
__Roger as Kenji  
__Clair as Enishi  
__Farleen as Tomoe  
__Tynave as Soujiro_

"Damn stupid vow not to kill," Fayt hissed. He glared at Nel Zelpher. "Freakin' annoying Racoon Girl."

"Shut up or I'll kill you," Nel threatened sweetly.

"Heeeey Fayt," Cliff called, sauntering into the room.

"Why did you spike your hair, Cliff?" Nel asked.

"Yeah, you look like a stupid rooster," Fayt said, slowing drawing his blade.

"S-shut up! My hairstyle is amazing. I'm a trendsetter! I'm cool. Really cool. Uh-huh!"

"Someone is sounding _awfully_ insecure," Nel laughed.

"No I'm not! I'm awesome! T-totally awesome!"

"Then explain that giant-ass sword you used to carry around," Nel said. Cliff fell over crying.

"That was mean," Cliff wept.

"Yeah...it was," Nel agreed. Then she spun around to smack Fayt upside the head. He had been sneaking up on her and had flipped his blade, preparing to kill Nel. Now he was bleeding profusely.

"Bloody hell," Fayt groaned.

"Peppita is here!" Peppita, neighborhood ninja girl, dove through a window. She landed right on top of Fayt.

"My organs," Fayt cried.

"Whoopsies! Sorry," Peppita said. She jumped off of Fayt. "Any of you seen Romero around here lately? He ran away from home again, even though I tied him down to his bed."

Everyone shuddered slightly. They all pitied Romero. Peppita had been stalking him from the moment she was born. Romero tried to get away from her by joining the Dancing Elite of the Juppongatana Sisterhood. Sadly, their mummy leader Luther had...exploded.

"Sorry, Peppita," Nel replied. "Maybe he's with Shelby."

"Shelby!" Pepptia roared. Oh how she hated Shelby. He was a jerk, always calling her weasel-girl. If he hadn't been a police officer she would have killed him long ago. "What would he want with my Romerokins!"

"Ho ho ho," Maria laughed, gliding into the room. "Oh poor Fayt. You're always so mean to him, Nel."

"Listen slut, you can have him," Nel spat. She basically hated everyone.

"NO!" Fayt screamed. "I'll take Sophia! SOPHIA!"

"That whore died with her pimp, Luther. Remember? Luther stabbed Sophia so he could stab you," Cliff explained.

"Dammit," Fayt muttered.

"I'M HOME!" Adray bellowed, kicking down a door.

"Sup Adray," Nel called out. Adray was her only student. He was a psychopath. Also, no one was left to fill the spot of Yahiko.

"Yo Nel. Word up Fayt." Adray stopped once he reached Fayt. "Looks like Nel beat you up again, huh?"

"N-n-nooo," Fayt answered, crawling to his feet.

"Poor Fayt and his women troubles," Adray sighed. "You're never going to get a girlfriend, pal."

"I did have a girlfriend," Fayt yelled. "But...uh..."

* * *

_A while back..._

"_I love you Fayt. Even though you killed my other lover. But whatever," Farleen squeaked._

"_Um." Fayt stared at her._

"_I watched those Samurai X shows and I know what comes next. Eh? Eh?" Farleen beamed._

"_Uh." Fayt was feeling uncomfortable._

"_Come on, hon."_

"_Oh dear. Running out of ideas...STAB!" Fayt stabbed Farleen and killed her. "Oops."_

"_OMFG! MY SISTER!" Clair screamed. _

"_Who are you?" Fayt asked._

"_I'M HER BROTHER!"_

"'_Kay...?"_

"_I'LL KILL YOU!" Clair was really pissed._

"_Uh...now?" Fayt was a brooding swordsman. Clair was a little...ehh...boy._

"_Er...maybe in a few years. When I'm...yeah...older and bitter. Okay?"_

"_That's swell."_

* * *

"And now I'm older and bitter!" 

Everyone turned to see Clair land in the yard and step out of a hot air balloon. Tynave hopped out too and sprinted around the house a million times. Then she stopped and sauntered over to the Kenshin gang.

"Howdy! I discovered the meaning of life! Luther was totally wrong. It's all about Starbucks coffee." Tynave held up a mug and flashed her usual smile only now it wasn't secretly homicidal. Caffeine had replaced the homicide, you see. So really, nothing had changed. "And stuff."

"Adray," Nel whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Get the rifle."

"Isn't that cheating?"

"Not when you're about to shoot a shampoo thief."

"Clair? She stole your shampoo?"

"Maybe not in this alternate universe but I'm going to shoot her anyways!"

Adray handed Nel a rifle. Nel sniped Maria instead.

"YES!" Fayt was delighted. Cliff shrugged.

"No one really liked her anyways," Cliff muttered.

"It's true," Peppita added.

"Quiet ninja girl," Nel commanded. Peppita straightened her stance and saluted. "And now we wait."

"What?" Fayt demanded. "Why? You could kill Clair right now!"

"No! This has to end with all of us dying!"

"Not again..." Peppita slapped her hand against her forehead.

"Alright, who gets to be the killer this time, kids?" Cliff looked around the room.

"Why are you ignoring meeeeee!" Clair wept.

"We don't need someone to kill us all," Nel explained. "It won't take long for the filler episodes to do the job."

"Ah," everyone ah'd at once. She was correct.

"You mean they won't even reach the best story arc?" Fayt asked, looking depressed.

"Nope."

There was silence.

"Wait guys, if Albel wasn't Kenshin...then who was he?" Cliff asked.

"That's a good question..."

* * *

Meanwhile, on the other side of Japan... 

"Muahahahaha!"

A tall man sporting in a freaky white and red cape leaned over his latest work, a triumphant smirk on his face. He was in the middle of nowhere, surrounded on all sides by towering trees. In the distance, a tiny run-down shack could be seen. Bottles of all sorts of alcohol were scattered about the grass.

"MuahahahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He was very pleased indeed. "That's right! My goddamn pottery is the best in the whole goddamn world! Hahahaha!"

The pottery master raised a glass of tequila to the sky and cursed out a cloud before downing it. He hugged a giant vase to his chest. It was his masterpiece. He turned it upside down and finished the project by scribbling his name on the bottom.

"By Albel Nox, Master of Everything, Better than Everyone. God I love myself...where's my vodka?"

Then a small boy came running up. He flopped over onto the ground, panting hard.

"Who the hell are you, midget?" Albel demanded.

"I...I...I'm Kenji!"

Albel stared at the boy. "You look like a goddamn squirrel, boy."

"Kenji is my nickname. My real name is Himura Roger."

"No shit," Albel laughed. "What do you want?"

"I ran as fast as I could...to get...my cameo! You see, authors frequently forget I exist in the Rurouni Kenshin section!"

"That's a shame."

"I have SIX pages, bitch! You have eight! Why! WHY!"

"Look at me, that's why! I'm amazing."

"If you're so amazing, how did The Ambiguous and Noble Sisterhood Force of the Elite and Invincible Dancing Juppongatana Team X Featuring the Unbeatable and Undeniably Handsome Makoto Shishio, His Drop-Dead Gorgeous Lady Yumi, and His Monkey Boy On Crack Seta Soujiro defeat you!"

"HOW DID YOU MEMORIZE THAT! HOW! Who comes up with that shit anyways? Besides, you must be thinking of some other crazy-ass group of idiots."

* * *

Meanwhile, in an another alternate universe... 

Soujiro leaned in close to Kamatari and whispered the answer.

"STRIPPING!"

Soujiro nodded furiously.

"Where!"

Soujiro pointed to the local strip club. "I got a job there a few days ago. I've been working under the name Himura Kenshin."

* * *

In Tokyo, our favorite rurouni oro'd as he received his latest batch of mail. He cautiously opened one letter. His face immediately turned dark crimson. 

"Why does this one keep getting erotic fan mail...?"

* * *

"Whatever, fool." Albel tossed Roger into a bucket, filled it with cement, and chucked him into a river. "No one steals the spotlight from Albel Nox. Ever." Albel gazed at his reflection in the water. "Damn...I am so good looking." 

_(The actual Ruroken fic part of this parody was from my beloved Dancing Elite of the Juppongatana Sisterhood. Even to this day, the erotic fan mail joke still tops everything else I've written. I know I've come up with better junk than that, but it always, always gets me.)

* * *

_

**BBTT Bonus Theater!  
****Episode 7: Host Club**

Cliff, king of the Ouran High School Host Club gazed down upon the newcomer curiously.

The twins, Fayt and Mario, canoodled in the corner, much to the delight of the fangirls.

"Well, ya broke the vase so ya gotta pay for it," Cliff said. The visitor swallowed hard and muttered something that sounded remarkably like 'Spanish Inquisition'.

"One million dollars to be exact," Mirage added, holding up a calculator.

"What!" The newcomer felt tears building up.

"WHERE THE HELL IS MY GODDAMN CAKE!" Roger demanded. His cousin, Mackwell, rolled his eyes.

"Cliff ate it," Fayt and Mario squealed in unison. Cliff's jaw dropped.

"Did not!"

"I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!" Roger flew across the room at Cliff. Literally. It was magical. Mackwell removed a piece of cake from his pocket and ate it. Then he grinned evilly. Cliff saw this and pouted before Roger started gnawing on his leg.

"You can work here as a slave," Mirage said happily.

"This is a Host Club, right?" The vase destroyer asked.

"Yup."

"How come you're here. I mean, you're a girl."

"No one has ever been able to look past my emotional barriers to realize I have oodles of personality and love to share with everyone! They all just look at me and see another underdeveloped character and my gender becomes meaningless to them!"

"Um. I'm sorry?" The newcomer was confused. Cliff, who had just finished getting mauled, saw the new guy's confusion and was overwhelmed. This was because the skinny guy's short hair was all over the place and added to his adorableness.

So Cliff tackled the new victim and hugged/throttled him.

Fayt and Mario chanted 'assault' in the background. Mackwell ate more of Roger's cake and blamed it on the bluenettes. Roger ran after them and they let out a unison shriek.

"Report back here after school tomorra," Mirage said, patting the new minion on the head, even though he was still being...ravished...by Cliff.

* * *

The next day, the Host Club's latest servant crept back into the mysterious music room that was their lair. 

Cliff was frozen in a block of ice and the twins were standing around looking responsible for it.

Roger and Mackwell were chipping off the ice to use it to cool their upperclass drinks that were so fancy that this common writer couldn't possibly hope to describe the glorious sophisticated liquid without failing completely and utterly. So this writer didn't.

"Can you get him out of there?" Mirage asked, jerking a thumb in the Ice King's direction. The new guy shrugged. "We can't start almost-seducing women until we get rid of the ice cube."

"Er..." The slave ignored that and took a blow-torch to the ice until Cliff was free. Cliff hugged his savior and nearly crushed his organs. Then the manservant turned the flame on his king and...and...

"God, this is getting disturbing," Mackwell noted, watching the twins. Just watching them standing there was disturbing.

"He set me on fire!" Cliff shouted.

"This is getting way too dirty," Mirage sighed. Everyone looked at her/him. "The room, you dolts! New boy, start cleaning while we take care of the ladies!"

New boy did so and managed to seduce about a hundred women in the process. Mirage was impressed and decided to make him a Host Club member so he could work off his vase-breaking ass to pay back the debt.

"Holy shit," everyone but Cliff gasped as they saw the new guy after he had put on the official Host Club jumpsuit. It was orange and the pants were of the flood variety.

"He's...a girl," they whispered.

About a month later, Cliff noticed this as well.

"Yer a girl!" Cliff pointed at the new guy (but not as new as he was before, mind you).

"What are you talking about?" he asked. Everyone crowded around him.

"And we forgot to get your name," Mirage said, feeling a bit out of character for forgetting that. Then she remembered she had no character so it went unnoticed.

"You look exactly like a girl, you talk like a girl, your hair is pretty like a girl, and your nails are to DIE for," Fayt said. Mario gave him a weird look.

"What the hell? I'm a guy! My name is Albel Nox!" The new guy named Albel Nox scowled. Then they noticed some weird braids that fell down his back. This observation did not aid his case.

"Yeah, and Mirage is a girl," Roger chuckled.

"We're not convinced," Fayt and Mario whispered suggestively. Cliff moved in closer.

Albel shuddered. "I don't think I like where this is going..."

* * *

"Well, I guess you are a guy after all. And from this we learned about the timeless dignity that unites us all," Cliff said. 

"I preferred the endings where everyone _died_," Albel cried.

_(I wrote this last one at 4 in the morning. Now you understand.)_

* * *

**_THE BBTT 23RD CHAPTER RANDOM CELEBRATION-A-THON_**

I'm about to tell you what's going to happen in Chapter 23. Ready? Er...

Problem. I don't know what I'm going to be writing. Why? You haven't told me yet!

Here's the plan. You can write a prompt. Any prompt. I will use your prompt and make chap. 23 a festival of spazzy goodness! You can be as detailed as you want (and watch me twist it into a horrible comedic mess) or just leave one word (example: ham). Offensive prompts will promptly be ignored.

Leave your prompt in a review or PM me. You can give me as many prompts as you can come up with but I'll only use two from each person. I won't accept anymore prompts after chap. 22 is posted.

I can run with anything. Prompt writing with a dash of humor is my favorite cup of tea.

And remember, friends, Anarchy Sky ain't no romance writer! You'd be terrified if you demanded fluff! Don't take that as a challenge, either. Proceed with caution.

Thank you very much for reading.

Peace out!


	22. One Year Later

**The Black Brigade Theatrical Troupe Vs. The Aquarian Ninja Force**

Vox and his minions are plotting against Albel, who is busy forcing his troops to perform Miss Saigon, while the Aquarian ninjas plot against them all.

Note: Don't own Star Ocean. Anywho, this parody takes place before Fayt arrives on Elicoor. This story covers the epic battles between Aquaria and Airyglyph. But not really. Enjoy!

**Chapter Twenty: One Year Later...  
**

* * *

"And that is how the Answer came to equal 42..." 

Albel concluded his exceptionally long speech and folded his arms. The Black Brigade Plus Nel stared at him. Well, the ones that were awake. And technically Nel had left three hours after Albel had begun his monologue. She went deep sea fishing not only to catch fishies but to find herself somewhere between the blue sky and sea with only the stars to guide her on a mystical journey of the soul.

Or something like that.

"Socrates on a pogo-stick," Shelby cursed. The Man Who Plays Kim looked horribly offended. "That was the longest speech he's ever given."

The Man Who Plays recovered and nodded in agreement. "His speech was pretty long. It seemed like it lasted _an entire year_..."

The entire cast laughed nervously and Albel shifted his eyes back and forth.

"Well, uh, yeah," Albel coughed. He took off his top hat. Everyone gasped.

"What have you done Sir Albel?!" The Man Who Plays Kim gaped at his leader.

"Nothing, actually," Albel said. It was true. False alarm. The Black Brigade calmed down.

"So, what shall we do now?" Shelby asked.

"BURN IN HELL!"

"What?"

"Um."

"Who said that?"

"IT TWAS I!"

The Black Brigade gasped and turned towards the entrance to the Ky6t7uvbgf Training Facility Roof/BBQ Fiesta Stage to see three Aquarians glaring at them.

"I MEAN IT TWAS US! I MEAN, I WAS SPEAKING BUT THERE ARE THREE OF US. THEY WEREN'T SPEAKING. SO SAYING IT TWAS I STILL ACTUALLY WORKS." Clair paused, making sure her logic was sound.

"We're here to kill you and stuff!" Tynave raised her arms and two trained wolves dove over her head towards the Black Brigade. "Trained wolves, bitches!"

"Farleen, use your magical attack animals!" Clair commanded. Farleen squealed in delight.

"GO SHAAAAARK!" Farleen fell over. "Where's Sharkina the 562 Ton Shark? Where is SHEEEEEE?!"

* * *

"Wow, I can't believe I caught a giant 562 ton shark on my first try," Nel said as she tossed her catch into a bucket. It was a big bucket. And a big boat. Nel had learned from _Jaws_ that one should just always bring a bigger boat. 

Nel leaned back in her chair and stroked her chin. This shark was like a metaphor. Millions of tiny razor teeth. They symbolized the trials of life. And once you got past the teeth you got digested and...

"I need to find a better metaphor," Nel muttered.

* * *

"There, there, Farleen," The Man Who Plays Kim said. He patted the weeping zombie on the back. "I lost my belt once." 

"Was it 562 tons of pure aaaaaaawesome?" Farleen asked between sobs.

"Er, yeah..." The Man Who Plays Kim shrugged.

"STOP CONSOLING THE ENEMY!" Albel leapt down from his tower and stomped towards the Aquarians. "WHY ARE YOU HERE, WORM?!"

"To kill you!" Clair pointed her finger at Shelby.

"Well go ahead," Albel said. The wolves tore at Shelby's flesh as he let out a terrible scream.

"You're not supposed to help us," Clair hissed. "We're supposed to have an epic duel! The leader of the Shield Legion versus the leader of the Black Brigade!"

"I only fight main characters, sorry," Albel replied. He flipped his hair and smirked.

"But...I...shit!" Clair fumed. "You don't understand!"

"Nope. That's because I'm a main character, maggot."

"I gotta be a main character. Nel took off so shouldn't I naturally be promoted to main character status? Who else will stand up for the Aquarians? It's not fair of Airyglyph gets a main character and Aquaria doesn't! Look, I admire you for being a main character and all but-"

"We have two main characters, actually," Albel said. "Airyglyph has two. We're awesome."

"Two?!"

"I'm one and Woltar is the other."

"Old Man Woltar?! How?!"

"He's the obligatory old man. Automatically more significant than you, though I see you're trying to go the same angle with that gray hair crap..."

"And my father? He's a main character! But I'm more important to the story...makes no sense..."

"He's the shirtless man who is supposed to provide fan service..."

"OH DEAR APRIS NO!"

"I said supposed to provide fan service, fool! The only one who probably goes for that kind of guy is..."

* * *

"Commmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaanddeeeer, here is your triple chocolate chocolicious fudge brownie awesome cake!" 

"MY FAVORITE! Mmmmm, so good. So good. So shirtless."

"Shirtless?"

"I DID NOT MEAN TO SAY THAT ALOUD!"

* * *

Clair was vomiting all over the roof. Albel would have ordered Shelby to clean it up but he had been eaten by the wolves. Tynave and various other Black Brigade members were now playing fetch with the wolves by making them chase after tennis balls. The Man Who Plays Kim was trying to make his move on Farleen but Farleen only loved narcotics and caribou. 

"I'm sorry, Chadrolf, but I cannot return your feelings," Farleen began in a rare moment of pure lucidity.

"Is it another man?"

"No. I live for drugs and yearly caribou migrations."

"I'll never love again, Farleen," The Man Who Plays Kim whispered. Farleen took her hands in his.

"Chadrolfolus, if I could ever love a man, it would be you. But the druuuuuuuuuuuuuugsare kicking iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin! Duuuuuuude!"

The Man Who Plays Kim watched as the only woman he ever loved (besides Nel) slipped away in front of his very eyes. Her grip loosened on his hands and fell to her side. A strange silence overcame the pair and they gazed upon each other. After this moment their entire lives would be forever altered. She bowed her head forward and a tiny smile began to creep its way to her lips.

"I won't forget you, Farleen," The Man Who Plays Kim said softly as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrr," Farleen added thoughtfully. She spun around and skipped away.

"Are you alright?" Steve asked The Man Who Plays Kim.

"Steve?"

"Yes. I may be obnoxious and unnecessary but even I can appreciate such a heart-breaking moment."

The Man Who Plays Kim hugged Steve and cried on his shoulder.

Steve nodded wisely. "Your heart shall heal again one day, my friend," he said hopefully.

The Man Who Plays Kim suddenly realized he was hugging Steve. He threw him off the building and prayed nobody saw that. He scurried back over to Albel who was laughing at Clair's pain.

"Sir Albel!" The Man Who Plays Kim waved.

"Oh, now that you're done saying goodbye to your lover, Steve, would you help me get rid of this wench?"

The Man Who Plays Kim's jaw dropped. "Why did you see _that _part?! Bloody hell!"

"You there," Clair gasped. She looked at The Man Who Plays Kim. "I too have known true love. I too was denied." She glared pointedly at Tynave.

"Dude, I don't swing that way," Tynave said. "We had this discussion."

"Tynave you're making this awkward," Clair said.

"DUDE! You are! You brought this up again. This is the ninth time this week. I like men. In fact, I'm seeing Mackwell. There. Is that a plot twist or what?" Tynave stopped when she saw Clair's eyes burn with infinite rage. "Uh. That's not good. And stuff."

"I will kill Mackwell," Clair laughed. "Nothing will stop our love for long, Ty-Ty!"

"Now I know why Nel ran away and joined Airyglyph." Tynave turned towards Albel, who was starting to feel neglected. "Do you go through this stuff all the time?"

"Constantly," Albel replied.

"Oh..."

* * *

"_INSTANT NOOOOOODLES!"_

"_They're wonderful, sir," Schweimer said clearly, despite a mouthful of instant noodles. Duchess Vox patted the now empty shin ramyun bowl with affection. _

"_From now on I demand to be referred to as Duke Noodles! And you, you you ass-kisser, shall be Max!" _

"_Max?"_

"_And Demetrio can be Cockeye! He is rather shifty!"_

"_O-okay, but why noodles?"_

"_NOODLES!"_

"_Yes, noodles."_

"_And someone has to be Patsy!"_

"_Uh, what's the correlation between noodles and Patsy?"_

"_LEONE!"_

"_Huh?"_

"_Beans and cornbread, you are soooooooo ignorant, Schweimy! Oh shit! Since you're Max you're gonna betray me and take my woman, aren't you?"_

"_What?"_

"_NOOOOODLES!" Vox stole Schweimer's bowl and buried his face in the noodles. "NOM NOM NOM!"_

"_You don't even have a woman," Schweimer muttered. "You only have me. Am I good enough for you, sir?"_

"_NOM NOM NOM!" Vox was too preoccupied with the noodles. _

"_I'm trying to discuss our relationship! Is this ever going to advance beyond the workplace, sir?" _

_Vox suddenly stopped devouring food. He raised his head slightly. There was a noodle hanging from one nostril._

"_Mmmm?" Vox stared at Schweimer. Schweimer set his hand on Vox's._

"_Our relationship...?"_

_Vox looked down at Schweimer's hand. "Taking my hand, are you? You sly dog..."_

_Scweimer smirked and leaned in closer. "Well sir..."_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Nel screamed as she woke up from her nightmare.

She sat still, struggling to catch her breath.

Then she remembered the dream.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" She screamed again. "THIS IS NOT THE MYSTICAL JOURNEY I WAS PROMISED!"

* * *

Meanwhile, the showdown between Aquaria and Airyglyph reached its towering climax... 

"Ahhh, I don't know. I'm gonna open it!" The Man Who Plays Kim leaned over a mysterious package.

"When I said I admired you, I meant what I said," Clair whispered. Albel scowled.

"Fabric...? The Man Who Plays Kim gasped as he opened the box!

"Nox! Throw away your sword!" The Man Who Plays Kim yelled desperately, running back towards Albel and Clair.

"What?" Albel watched The Man Who Plays Kim coming towards him. "What's in the box?!"

"Here he comes," Clair said. She was sitting on the ground with her arms tied behind her. "I wished I could have lived like you..."

"Shut up!" Albel glared at Clair. He looked back at The Man Who Plays Kim.

"I'm trying to tell you how I admire you, Nox, and your pretty skirt..."

"What'd you say?" Albel turned slowly.

"I visited your room before I showed up on the Kirlsa rooftop...I took a little souvenir..." Clair smiled and spoke calmly.

"_GET AWAY FROM CLAIR!_" The Man Who Plays Kim warned, trying to reach the two before it was too late.

"ALBEL! THROW IT AWAY!"

Albel looked at The Man Who Plays Kim and the box.

"Your pretty little skirt..." Clair watched Albel in delight.

Albel's eyes widened in realization.

_The box contained the shredded remains of Albel's favorite skirt._

The Man Who Plays Kim finally made it to his side

"What's she saying, The Man Who Plays Kim?" Albel asked.

"Put down the sword."

"What was in the box? The box?!"

"It seems that envy is my sin," Clair said with a sigh.

"What's in the box!"

"Give me the sword!"

"I told you..."

"LIES!"

"No, Sir Albel! It's what she wants! If you kill her, she wins!"

"NOOO!" Albel through his arms up and paced. "NO!" He growled and moved towards Clair. "It's not true."

"Sin, Nox. Become _wrath_," Clair said.

"Shut up!" The Man Who Plays Kim yelled. "Albel. If you kill her..."

"You _bitch_!" Albel snarled, raising his sword.

"Am I interrupting something?" Nel asked politely. Three heads snapped in her direction.

"Um."

"Well.

"Hey...Nel..."

"She ruined my favorite skirt!" Albel pointed at Clair and pouted. Clair shrugged.

"Well get over it," Nel said. Tynave and Farleen stood in a corner looking confused. They had just been ignored for an entire scene, after all...

"Did you not feel all that tension? You just RUINED it all, maggot!" Albel scowled.

"And I'd do it again!" Nel smirked.

* * *

I cannot believe I just parodied Se7en and referred to Once Upon a Time in America. Two of my favorite movies, by the way. 

Anyways, it's been a year. I've graduated from high school, had a little knee surgery (it did not hurt and I'm serious about that), got accepted to OSU (I bleed Scarlet and Gray and I greatly dislike _that team up north_), and I've been working at a dry cleaners all summer. It was a good job but think of _anything_, no matter how disgusting, and I will tell you it has been found in the pants that people send to us for cleaning. I have too many work stories and hardly any explanations (why is there a sign that says 'people will want to see you naked' above the break room door, why does so-and-so add Hunter to the end of my name, how can there be so much drama at a dry cleaners, really, why do people send us such horrible, disgusting things?! Why?!). Etc.

Also, yup CAT and AMS, I go to Ohio State. Yeah Ohio rivals!

So I hope you've enjoyed this chapter. Have a great day! Peace!


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